Truth be told

What's most important to me as a boy mom of three is keeping a honest, healthy, and emotionally connected bridge between each child. As someone who grew up without supportive and healthy emotional connections to parents and siblings because I was too emotional and sensitive, that is a personal mission. It has been quite uncomfortable and challenging for me with my children, oldest specifically because he is me (emotional and sensitive). You're probably wondering well shouldn't it be easy to give what I didn't receive and I have been wondering the same, but no it has not been that easy unfortunately. Has it gotten better? Yes! Does it wither? Yes! Am I giving up? Hell no!!

I've started creating intimate moments with my oldest through good ol honesty and shared interests. Honesty of my childhood, my 19 year old self when he was birthed, life lessons and anything else children should actually know. Honestly, I've been racking my brain every night when my boys are sleep as to "why is it so difficult to be more affectionate with the oldest as I am with the younger siblings?". I remember after having my third the oldest came home from his dad's after his stay and stood in the hallway crying saying "I'm afraid the baby will take up all of your time." Now to be completely truthful, it annoyed me because I just got done laboring an hour prior and my thought was like "damn there really is no break huh". I did assure him all of the my time wouldn't be consumed , but made it clear that a newborn will be needing most of my attention. Since than we have been succeeding with quality time together when we can.

Back to understanding why the emotional connection is met with discomfort. My belief and knowing now is brought back to the energetic telling of it all. When I was pregnant with my oldest I was 18 and in my freshman year of college. I simply had a crush on his dad which I've learned in time didn't share the same mutual feelings. In fact it was even more disturbing to learn he had a girlfriend after everything started coming to light. My original plan after finding out about my pregnacy was to get an abortion because what did I know about anything!!! The father was in agreeance with me, but the option became no longer once I told my parents. They didn't believe in abortions and so there it was, finalized of me having a baby.

"Energy never lies" as I've heard so many times and I believe it to be true. The energy of not wanting my child became more prevalent when I started my internal healing. My reactions and uncertainty of my emotions caused a divide in our relationship. At the time I was also experiencing post partum again from my second child. The unwavering energy was catching up and manifesting without my consciousness of it.

On my rough days of mothering the thought of him going to live with his dad runs through my mind. To be honest I have asked him out of curiosity how come he has never asked to live with his dad because they are different experiences. He's shared with me he has but the answer is "nobody is is available to watch him". Now although I'd like to say more, I am going to leave that right where it is.

I love all of my children and have walked through the fields of mom guilt. Sometimes I wonder when that information of abortion when or if it'll be exposed to him. Would I ever have the courage to be that open and honest with him? Would it be necessary to tell him? How would he begin to feel about me?

We are all here now and I haven't nor will I ever give up on doing my best while shedding so many layers. No matter how hard some days get, I am sincerely grateful for my boys. They ignited growth, truth, and compassion within me.

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May my reflections and words open the heart to healing and sincerity. May the exchanges flow in harmony between you and I. The love and support of my craft is appreciated by giving energetically, liking, or even subscribing to my work 💚