And Of All The Things I Was Looking For.

I was standing in the middle of the room with my heart in my hand. I gently caressed all my wounds of a time past when I never knew what love was. I felt emotional, as I sensed gentle hands caressing my heart like a guardian angel. Tears fell from my eyes as I looked into his warm blue-green eyes and finally kissed him.

I felt nervous that he might walk away, but he didn't. He was still standing there, right by my side.

"Thank you, I've been waiting for you to do that," he told me as he took my hand.

I remember the electric current that ran through my body at that time. It felt strange and scary at the same time. My heart and head were full of a warmth that I couldn't describe, and I wasn't used to that.

At the time, I lived in a loveless world, where everybody who came into my life used me and then left. Up to now, I had no idea what love was, but at this moment,

I was sure this was love.

This wonderful man I remember as I write this memoir, had been to the end of the world and back for me. He had done things that I had never expected. He had bought my clothes after I was admitted to the hospital, encouraged me to eat, and even helped me when I was left unconscious and ignored by staff in the hospital where I was staying.

My heart filled with a joy that I had never known, and my cheeks flushed in ways that I wasn't used to.

It felt like my entire heart, soul, and body were dancing, and I never wanted it to stop.

When I was first admitted to this hospital, I couldn't feel happiness or love. I felt numb, void of any emotion possible.

Today, I realize that past trauma and traumatic relationships can do that to a person; leaving them feeling numb to the core and worthless.

I remember wanting this so much, the dance, the fire from the intimacy, the need to understand how love felt.

Every touch was fire, every kiss was breathtakingly beautiful, and the feeling of being close to him melted faster than butter on a hot day.

Then he asked,

"Will you marry me?"

I said

"Yes."

And this is where my beautiful memories continue to the next page.

Could this be a life full of love? Will he leave me? Will he find someone new? Will this love last forever? What if he finds out I'm vulnerable?

He already knew the answers to these questions.

There was music in the air at our wedding as color fell all around us. This was the happiest day of my life. But happiness comes with sadness, heartbreak, and painful moments too.

I guess I must learn to get through those moments, and could he be feeling the same fear?

I wanted to run, run into the woods, and flood the ground with my tears; tears of fear, hurt, pain, shame, and confusion.

I almost called my wedding off

Where will this get me? Can I be a wife? Am I worth it?

As these memories continue, I carry on creating beautiful moments which means as I reflect on these feelings, this is not the end, it is the middle, and every thought counts.

Will we make or break it?

Have I ruined my life altogether?

Who really knows?

Maybe the answers will keep flowing as my journey continues, from the heart and into the depths of love, for this never ends...