A Glimpse pt 1- The Beginning

Natalie. 18. August 2013

As I unloaded the last lime green plastic tote from my Toyota Camrey, I sigh heavily after placing it on the large flatbed cart. I doubt the elevators will be very easy to access right now, especially since only one of them was currently operational. This dorm building is one of the oldest on campus and this was freshman move-in day. It's crowded, the parking lots are packed and it's a hike up to the dorms from the lots. My mom is probably up in my dorm room already. I'm sure she is "taking in the space" so she can decorate it with the upmost organization and maximum appeal of my color scheme chosen over my text with my roommate.

Finally, I entered the elevator with another girl and her equally overflowing flatbed. We both avoided eye contact. Today has already been exhausting and making elevator small talk with a stranger who is equally as tired does not sound like my idea of a good time. As I exited the elevator on the 5th floor, all girls, I sigh again. I just need to get through the next few hours with my mom. I don't mind her helping, plus, this gives her some much needed time to still help take care of her only child before she is officially an empty nester. I enter the room and without a word, my mother grabs the first large tote and begins unpacking. "First thing you always do in a new living space: make your bed! That way you bring that energy that this is your new home, and that you will do your best to make it as comfortable as possible." She opened the plastic sleeve containing my brand new sheets, cream colored with tiny black diamonds. Once those had been meticulously stretched onto the plastic canvas of the dorm bed, she unloaded my comforter we had also just recently purchased. It was a burnt orange that added some nice color contrast with the neutral sheets. My roommate, Christina, and I had decided on the cream/beige with black and just a few key burnt orange accents. It definitely felt silly to both of us as we were texting and planning it out, planning who was bringing what. But this is what you do for your college dorm isn't it? Coordinate colors with this complete stranger you will be sharing this odd cinderblock space with for a full year? Who knows, maybe we will get lucky and actually build a friendship that lasts and all started with picking color combinations to make it look like you're twins in a sitcom.

After unboxing my small collection of things deemed most common to live with as an 18-year-old living away from home the first time, my mom and I stood and admired our work. "This will be such a nice start for you, Nat. I am so excited to hear all about it!" I fought back tears. It was all becoming real now. My mother was leaving and I would be staying here and beginning this new chapter. I have a million things I could say, but I faintly squeak out "I really love you, mom." and we embrace. I hug her tightly for a few seconds longer before letting her release. "Onto your next adventure?" she says brightly. And then, with a blown kiss and a small wave, she exits the small room. And I just wait. Silence. Christina won't be here until tomorrow, so I have the rest of the day and tonight to adjust. I sit down on the freshly made bed and open my laptop. Connecting to the WiFi takes a minute longer than I would prefer, but eventually I have two small bars on the top left of my screen. I open a new browser window and click the bookmark tab for Netflix. The Breakfast Club is the first on my list, so I click it and settle against my pillows.

***

Classes have been going for two weeks and thankfully I scheduled the right courses this semester that my head won't be pounding with a crazy amount of new information and my stress level will remain normal from an average amount of work and new projects. I've even applied to work at the front desk at the school library for 10 hours a week just to make some money on the side. Christina and I get along well. We try and watch movies together after homework, and we have at least one meal a day together in the dining hall. Her favorite is the mac n cheese pizza. I am partial to the 24/7 make your own waffle station.

I am sitting on my bed reading when my phone dings. I check it, a text from mom, with a photo attached. "Look who I ran into today!!" And staring back at me were a set of deep brown eyes. Brown hair that can't decide if it wants to be fully curly or in short waves. One dimple on the left cheek offsetting the smirking half-smile I knew all too well. I type back, "Wow!" because I know if I don't answer, but she sees that I read it, I will get "???" as a response in moments. I respond again just as quickly, "Homework time! TTYL!" before switching my phone to do not disturb. I don't want to let on to my mother that just seeing his face catches the breath in my throat. Or that just thinking about what words he and my mother could have possibly exchanged. I pick my phone back up and scroll to the bottom of my text messages. "I know you're leaving. But your birthday is right before you leave. And I promised you that if you wanted to, I'd have you over to see all of the stars since you typically don't see them at your house. Just thinking about laying in the grass, staring at the sky, and talking about nothing and everything with you. I'd really like that." The message was from August 2nd. I moved in August 17th. I couldn't answer then, and I definitely can't now.

***

As the weather begins to get colder, I feel like I am finally settling into my routines. Work, classes, social life. Christina and I still enjoy each other's company, which is always a bonus. I've heard so many horror stories of other situations with roommates. Becky, a classmate of mine who is part of my small friend group, has been filling me in on the drama with her roommate. "Not only does she leave the TV on all night, blaring the E! Network, she ALSO leaves trash all over the room! I have asked her multiple times to lower or mute the TV. If she needs light or white noise I get it, but the volume she prefers is more suited for someone who needs one of those old fashioned ear horns! And the trash is so disgusting. I've just been picking it up and not saying anything because it's just easier. She always has headphones in and when I try to speak to her she looks at me like I'm a mental patient." Christina, Becky and I also hang out with Sarah, a quiet girl who is really good at art. She's a business major, because she doesn't want art to become a chore if it's to become her only source of income, which I really admire. The four of us frequent a local coffee shop in town and have larger movie nights every other week. Tonight we are getting together in Sarah's single dorm to watch 500 Days of Summer.

I am walking from my biology class when my phone chimes in my pocket. I pull it out and my heart stops. I stare at the name on the screen for so long I don't realize I am standing in the middle of the sidewalk. Multiple people have had to walk around me before I look up and realize my surroundings. I rush back to my dorm and shut the door behind me, quite dramatically. I take a few deep breaths before unlocking my phone. I scroll to my voicemail, and put the phone up to my ear. "Hey! Um, it's Dylan! Hi. But, um yeah, you have caller ID so I'm sure you know that. And maybe that's why you didn't answer either? I hope not. Um anyways, I saw your mom last week and was hoping to hear from you but haven't yet, so I figured I would bite the bullet. Wait, not bite the bullet, I would love to talk to you, I mean... Anyways, hope you're doing okay. Text me. Or call me. Whatever you prefer. Okay... I'm hanging up now because I'm just making this awkward at this point. Okay bye!" I stare at the name on the screen again, "Dylan". I squeeze my eyes shut. Maybe it would just be easier to call him back. I shake my head sharply. It's too late for that. I've moved on. It was all my decision, let's not forget that. I think about the last time we actually spoke. In his truck in the parking lot of the local park, right by the marina. I don't think I looked him in the eyes the entire conversation. Or the drive there. And especially not on the drive home. "I just don't think I can give you the partner that you need for your future. You have so much to build on. I'm leaving and frankly have no clue where I'm going to end up in a few years or even what really is what I want to do with my life." I still haven't been able to get the look on his face out of my head. My phone chimes again. I hesitantly pick it up before I sigh in relief. It's from Christina. She's running late and will just meet me at Sarah's. I lay down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. Maybe a non-romance romantic movie is just what I need tonight.

***

I can't remember if I fell asleep, but I definitely feel like I am dreaming. I don't feel like I am attached to my own body, even though I am wiggling my fingers in front of my face. I'm at home, not in my dorm. I can smell my mom cooking something in the kitchen. I hear her playing Dolly Parton on the Amazon device. "Ding!" I stare down at my phone, resting on the coffee table. I pick it up. A text, from Dylan. But when I read it, it makes me do a double take. "I know you're leaving. But your birthday is right before you leave. And I promised you that if you wanted to, I'd have you over to see all of the stars since you typically don't see them at your house. Just thinking about laying in the grass, staring at the sky, and talking about nothing and everything with you. I'd really like that." I stare at the text for a few more moments. Then, I feel myself typing. I am doing this voluntarily but it still feels like I am floating in a thick liquid with every movement. I press send, and read the small text bubble again, as if I typed with my eyes closed. "Absolutely. I would love that." Suddenly, everything blurs, and I feel myself being pulled back, like someone is guiding me through whatever fog I am in. I come to a stop, and everything begins to clear. I'm laying in the grass. Nighttime summer sounds surround me, becoming louder as I focus. I look to my left and see him, staring at the stars, his usual Carhartt sweatshirt, burnt orange, giving even more familiarity as I take in the scene, Dylan. I look up and see hundreds of stars. His speaker is somewhere behind us, softly playing music from the radio. I hear a slight rustle, and feel his hand cover mine. "I'm really glad you decided to come." I look at him, and he is smiling at me. "It really changes a lot. I think we are going to be okay." I smile back. This feels different. I feel like a switch has flipped. Something changed, but I can't quite put my finger on what.