I Have Alopicia

If you were to meet me in real life, you wouldn't know that I have Alopecia as I tend to cover it up with my other hair.

However, if I were to reveal my left-sided hairline, then you would know because I have a fine receding hairline along the side of that scalp.

There is no known medical cause for my hair loss, other than it started during pregnancy and I was told it would get better after I had my first child. It didn't, and I have been dealing with it since 1993 when I had my first child.

There are medical treatments available, but what is the point if they are not proven to work for everyone?

You can't get most of these treatments on the NHS, and I'd have to pay for most of them anyway.

That is money down the drain if there isn't 100% proof they work.

My hair is colored, but there is a reason for that.

I never use bleach on my hair. I opt for natural options such as Stargazer, because using bleach risks ruining my hair, and can make it fall out more.

During my younger years from age 18 upwards, my hair started to go silver and that was three years before I started coloring it.

I am now 47 years old, but I don't look my age. I have a young face, and the natural silver that my hair develops does not look good on me.

I feel ashamed, upset, and bad about it. I washed my hair tonight, and large clumps of my hair covered the bath and blocked the drain. When I brushed it, it filled my brush within minutes.

I like my hair, and I love styling it; though I don't use many styling products because they can add to the problem.

I might not lose my hair completely, or it might be many years before I lose it altogether.

That doesn't take my fear away, nor does the risk of having to wear a wig make me feel good in any way.

I find hair on my pillows and my clothes. I also suffer from an itchy scalp which is common for someone with my problem.

My hair used to be thicker than it is today. It still grows back in length, but I will never get my thick hair back. I can only grow my hair to my shoulders without increasing the hair loss.

I have a haunting past where I was bullied enough for being vulnerable, having mental health problems, and dyscalculia which means I have a problem learning and processing maths and numbers.

The bullying still happens today.

I didn't want to talk about my hair loss, and I have only just told my husband about it because I was worried that I would be bullied for this too.

This story wasn't easy to write, but I felt that if I could write about it then it would help me to accept it. I don't think that I ever will accept it completely though.

I will still take care of my hair and try to keep it as healthy as I can, but part of me feels like I am losing a majority of my feminine side with each strand that I lose.

My husband made a reference to 'pasta-hair' when I showed him what had come away from my head.

The jokey comment was only made because of the following story that I wrote recently. The link is below:

I could laugh at those jokes before the reality about my hair loss had sunk in, but today it hit me hard and I couldn't laugh at all.

We come to love our hair as we grow up. We learn to style it and enjoy taking care of it. I don't think any of us, whether male or female could accept the fear of going bald through Alopecia, after having hair for most of our lives.

I don't think I will ever see myself properly again if I do lose it all, and every strand that falls out, every time that hairline loss gets bigger; I feel a little sadder.