How Online Chats Redefined my Relationship Needs

A man I used to work with at a place I no longer worked at contacted me on messenger. He was super attractive and I was willing to see where this would lead.

We had a great rapport at work, flirty with chemistry. He was a single parent, I was a single parent, and we enjoyed each other’s company. Once I moved on to another job, he reached out and we would chat daily on messenger. We missed working together and missed each other’s fun work camaraderie.

Over the next few weeks, our online chats became more flirty and he sent me ‘hearts and rainbow’ emojis daily. I enjoyed the exchange; I enjoyed the allurement of this pre-dating forecast.

Our chats were perpetually fun and upbeat. I remember my heart rate rising a little on more than one occasion. Yet, something was holding me back from taking the next step.

Something felt amiss.

I looked forward to receiving my emojis, but I began to feel a commitment to being a constant ray of sunshine. That’s not to say my days weren’t pleasant enough. Yet, on the rare occasion when I was not having a super stellar day, there would be radio-silence on the other end.

No reply.

The conversation halted, followed by a two-day silence. I didn’t let it bother me, though it was still off-putting.

Was it something I said?

Did I in some way offend him?

I felt like a dork.

Then like clockwork, he resumed sending me emojis.

This went on for a brief period, and the need to be fake and cheerful caused me to resent hearts and rainbows.

I noticed a lack of substance.

Through this light-hearted banter, I realized a truth about myself. It’s okay to want a relationship with someone serious; someone who isn’t happy all the time.

I realized I wanted someone who would come home wet and rained on from riding his bicycle through a storm.

This came as a surprise to me, who wouldn’t want a relationship with Mr. Sunshine?

I realized those online chats reflected a mirrored image of myself. This reflection showed me what I wanted in a relationship.

It wasn’t Mr. Sunshine.

Fast forward a few more years, I had another friend whom I privately referred to as Peter Pan. He is a successful man well into his 50’s and forever the life of the party. I realized he was another full-on fun in the sun kind of guy where life was perfect all the time.

I concluded once again that this quality wasn’t at the top of my perfect-guy wish list. We were two very different people.

That mirrored reflection became crystal clear.

I’m not as fun and light-hearted as I thought I was. I’m not the life of the party, in fact, I never even go to parties!

I realized I don’t like hearts and rainbows all the time, and that’s okay.

I want someone serious who appreciates deep conversation on the apocalyptic nature of our planet. I want a partner who can be fun and witty, but also vulnerable and not afraid to share his dark days. I recognized this to be the quality that is most endearing to me.

Fast forward to the present and I still prefer serious conversations. I still enjoy rainy, cloudy days over sunshine. Although we have a lot of fun, I appreciate the serious nature of my current partner. I love that he trusts me enough to share those dark days, and I love that he is genuinely interested in my mine.

It’s now been 10 years and we remain each other’s most trusted confidants. We may never send each other hearts and rainbow emojis, but in reality, we live on the Pacific West coast, rainy day emojis are far more appreciated!

You can find more of my work at Medium.com, and The Casual Bohemian!