A Simple Tattoo Can Go A Long Way

My life has not been the worst, but most certainly not the best. A lot of my issues seem to come from the lack of self confidence, but there are some things about myself that I have not felt insecure about at all where most people would.

I think that one thing is certain, and that is we all have something about ourselves that we don't like. Growing up, accepting myself as the way I am has been very difficult, and I am still learning how to do it. There are many times in my life where I felt the need to lean on other people to assert my value, but it's the value that you have on yourself that is suppose to count and what can rule over everything inside your head.

I had my first boyfriend at 18 years old, and didn't realize that I was leaning on him so much for a feeling of approval and self-respect. My opinion seemed not to have mattered to me, it was only his that did. My insecurities were not much about body image or hair because I've never struggled with my weight and I only had to suffer the stereotype of 'dumb blondes,' but most people actually thought my dirty blonde hair was cool because of the variety of colors. I was more paranoid with my face and personality.

I am a little bit of tom-boy, I never cared so much with makeup and I have no idea how to apply it most of the time. I don't really try to make my hair look pretty, because I think it's too much effort trying to detangle it when it's always going to be tangled, and I don't want to use heat because it gets easily damaged that way. I don't mind getting dirty, because I know that I can always be washed. My personality has been something that I struggled to find for a long time, because I've been stuck between who I want to be and my toxic family traits that seem to have rubbed off on me. I want to be a good person, but I am now always trying to see everyone's reaction to me that I don't really know how to be me sometimes.

The one physical trait that I have struggled on accepting as myself for the longest time is my nose. I hate it. I never felt beautiful every time I see a side view of myself because I believe it's too big for my face. After my first boyfriend broke up with me, I went on for years trying so hard to accept myself as I am and rebuild my confidence up because it was then completely destroyed. So, I had to start where I hated myself the most. I don't want to change my nose because that's not acceptance, that's changing myself because I am incapable of embracing my traits. So the only way I thought I could bring myself to actually like my nose is to turn it into something beautiful in my mind. The result: I finally got my first tattoo at age 21.

The design is very simple, it is just the image of a sea horse located on my left hip. I chose a sea horse because they too have long noses, yet they are such beautiful creatures. So, to me, I thought "if they can be beautiful in their own way, then maybe so can I." Ever since then, I have loved seeing the picture on my body and it is now my favorite physical appearance about me. I still struggle with dislike of seeing my nose in the mirror, but I will never change it because I know that everyday I come closer to seeing myself as beautiful just the way I am, and actually approving of who I am becoming. My opinion is the only one that should matter about me, and I am much happier by myself with the closest I've ever come to liking me than I was with my first boyfriend and just hoping he would compliment me so I could believe in myself.

I am thankful for the friends who have been a family to me and who have helped me through such a long journey and still continue everyday to stick by my side. They have showed me what love and support truly is and now I will apply it not only everyone around me, but also to myself.