The Top Ten Songs to Help You Feel Like an Angsty Teenager Again

Youth is all about emotion. Your brain did not reach full maturity until around age 25; before that, you were pretty much a walking bag full of junk food and hormones. Teased non-stop by your gonads and fueled on Mountain Dew, the world felt like an endless music video (minus the hot models prancing around for no reason). And the best form to re-live those years is to allow yourself the guilty pleasure of going back and rocking the tunes that enabled our addiction to drama, making us feel like rock stars for a day. So dig out those leather pants that you know you have hidden in the back of your closet, cut the sleeves of that jean jacket you don’t wear anyway, and let’s take a ride down memory lane.

1. Start your day by getting ready in high school style. Spend an unnecessary amount of time in front of the mirror, trying six different scarfs even though it is 80 degrees outside, and pretend to be weird and non-generic by performing an interpretative dance of Prince’s When Doves Cry.

2. By the time you get down to the kitchen, there will be no time for breakfast (since you used it all on your Prince tribute), so grab a protein bar between your teeth, pour your coffee in a thermos, grab your bag, and with the two fingers you have free play Manic Monday by The Bangles.

3. On your commute, get the vibe all high, prepare for the challenges of the day and see yourself as the underdog that will overcome all obstacles by playing Man In Motion (John Parr).

4. When you get to work, the day may start messing with your mojo. Your coworker didn’t do their part of the project because their cat got sick. Betty from human resources looks at your attire and makes a snide remark about some people taking Casual Friday too far. And the boss stops you in the hallway, making inquires about the half-made project that sounds like an accusation. You feel your blood boil, ready to pounce. Suddenly your boss’s face transforms into the tyrant principal from The Breakfast Club. You smile politely, then scurry off to your office (or a bathroom stall if you work on a cubicle), put on your earbuds, and rock the only song that will cut it right now: We’re Not Gonna Take it, by Twisted Sister.

5. After you flush the toilet to be inconspicuous, put some swagger on your step as you walk out, just like you used to do back in school when the reason to go in the bathroom was to share a contraband cigarette with your friends in between classes. As you stroll down the hall, give your best Joey Triviani nod to the most attractive person in the office. That will make them smile, and you will be right back to Senior Year when that nod made innocent ninth-graders blush and giggle. Punctuate that memory with a self-indulgent anthem, like Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone.

6. Lunchtime is the perfect space to get a few tunes in. Get a sandwich at that place with the charming barista that looks like the first crush you had freshmen year. Find a quiet corner table, pretend that your phone is a walkman, and play Lionel Richie’s Hello.

7. Chew slowly so you can get a few sighs in between bites. Man, that barista really looks like that old crush, right? But wait a minute. Why are they taking so long with that customer’s order? And what’s with the smiles? Why are they getting soo toothy? Are they flirting with that dud? Oh, this is not happening. It’s freshman year all over again, and your crush is on the run, spirited away by one of the plastics. Screw this. Time to play Every Rose Has Its Thorne, by Poison.

8. Well, time to go back to the office and get some work done. Pretend it’s detention, and imagine what kind of trouble you got in with your friends to land you here. Make it something worthy of playing Karla De Vito’s We Are Not Alone and make your feet tap dance under the desk.

9. Eventually, detention gets tiring; you can’t wait to be released. The angst is taking over again. When will the torture end? It’s time to play No Easy Way Out by Robert Tepper.

10. Finally, school’s out (I mean, time to clock out of work). Feel the joy of being free, hop on your car, call your friend and ask them to meet you at your favorite bar for happy hour (because being an adult has its advantages). And all the way there, make sure to rock out Nothing But a Good Time, by Poison.

PS: hopefully happy hour will go so well that you can have an encore, dancing on top of the bar to Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar On Me: