The Meaning of "Being Alive"

I first heard the song "Being Alive"—from Stephen Sondheim's musical Company—when Adam Driver's character in Marriage Story, Charlie Barber, performs it at a piano bar. I didn't really connect with the song at the time, but the poignancy of this scene has stuck with me since I saw the film back in 2019.

Charlie Barber's rendition of "Being Alive" is a kind of homage to his failed marriage with ex-wife Nicole (played by Scarlett Johansson). What I most remember about this scene is how much the regret Charlie feels for failing as a husband comes through in the soft, reflective way he sings "somebody hold me too close / somebody hurt me too deep / somebody sit in my chair / and ruin my sleep / and make me aware / of being alive / being alive." In this scene, Driver's character is a divorced man coming to terms with the fact that he was a detached and self-absorbed husband, and that cost him his "someone to need you too much / someone to know you too well."

"Somebody hold me too close

Somebody hurt me too deep

Somebody sit in my chair

And ruin my sleep

And make me aware

Of being alive

Being alive"

I didn't hear "Being Alive" again until it popped up in one of my Spotify Discover lists early this year, 2 months before 2020 became the year that everyone wanted to end. Spotify introduced me to the version performed by Raul Esparza for the 2007 revival of Company. Throughout the year, I must have listened to it 30 times a day, because I felt every word so deeply.

Esparza's interpretation is very different from Driver's in Marriage Story. Actually, this is something I've noticed about every version of this song I've listened to—each artist who performs "Being Alive" imbues it with new meaning. They emphasize different lines, approach the lyrics from different points of view. Apart from Esparza being a professional singer, the main difference between Esparza's rendition and Driver's is their characters' experiences. While Driver's character was going through a messy divorce, Esparza was playing a 35-year-old single man in Manhattan who is afraid of commitment.

That's what Company is about. The protagonist, Bobbie, is celebrating his 35th birthday, and all his married friends are wondering when he's going to finally settle down. As a single 31-year-old woman, I can relate to this societal pressure to get married, to focus on having a family. I wouldn't say that commitment scares me like it scares Bobbie; I've just never considered it to be a priority.

At the end of 2019, I decided that I wanted one of my resolutions for 2020 to be falling in love. It's not my usual brand of New Year's resolution—they're usually more professional and career-oriented. This resolution was personal, intimate, vulnerable. It would require dating in New York City, which I wasn't enthusiastic about and knew wouldn't be easy during a global pandemic.

I'm partial to Raul Esparza's version of "Being Alive," mainly because it made me fall in love with the song. Esparza's performance masterfully captures Bobbie's story arc. The song starts off with a cynical tone about love and marriage. Bobbie rattles off what he's observed to be the cons of any committed relationship, which is really just a personal list of what he's afraid of. "You've got so many reasons for not being with someone. But, Bobbie, you haven't got one good reason for being alone," one of his friends interjects. "Hey buddy, don't be afraid it won't be perfect. The only thing to be afraid of, really, is that it won't be," another friend adds.

I know that "someone to know you too well" and "to put you through hell" are meant to be Bobbie's criticisms of love at the beginning of the song, but I still tear up when I hear them because...I want those things. And as Bobbie's musical inquiry into what it means to commit to someone goes on, he realizes that he wants these things, too.

Someone to crowd you with love

Someone to force you to care

Someone to make you come through

Who'll always be there

As frightened as you

Of being alive

Being alive

Being alive

Being alive

From this point in the song, "someone to" changes to "somebody," shifting the tone of the song from an ambivalent critique to a passionate plea: "Somebody hold me too close / somebody hurt me too deep."

I've since listened to as many versions of "Being Alive" as I could find, including one from the popular TV show Glee.

A more recent version performed by Rosalie Craig in the 2018 London revival of Company is interesting because the character of Bobbie was reworked to be played by a woman. The dynamic of the show and song changes when Bobbie's a woman. The advice from her male friends about relationships might come off as mansplaining, her well-intentioned female friends might come across as sounding like they know better. And while Esparza's interpretation of "Being Alive" sounds like a desperate prayer for love, Craig's is more hopeful. It's more "bring it on, come what may" as opposed to "dear God, I want this."

As with most popular Sondheim songs, "Being Alive" has been performed by everyone from Barbra Streisand to Bernadette Peters to Tony Bennett. Each artist has brought their own unique style to the music, whether that's performing it with the accompaniment of a big band (Bennett) or giving it a jazzy feel (Cyrille Aimee). But no matter who performs it, so many people connect with "Being Alive" because it's about wanting, and that's what makes us all feel alive.

While I listened to Raul Esparza's version over and over this year, I decided to include different artists performing the Stephen Sondheim classic in my playlist. So you'll be listening to "Being Alive" over and over, but the experience will be different each time.