The Big Teenage Feels

Big. That is the one word that accurately describes my teen years. Big feelings. Big experiences. Big drama. Everything felt big.

When I was feeling big and angsty and inevitably retreated into rebellious silence, music did my speaking for me.

But back in the day, I didn't make playlists. I made mixed tapes. Making a mixed tape was more of art than a science. There were radios and cassette players involved. And the timing. Oh, the timing of it all! The key to a monster mixed tape was pressing the record button at the exact right moment to get the song in its entirety without including any annoying radio commentary.

If my record button trigger finger didn't get the timing quite right, the mixed tape was ruined. RUINED! Just when I had the timing down, CDs came around. My record button trigger finger skills lost forever. Okay, so maybe I'm still a little dramatic. Sigh.

Regardless of the medium, when it came right down to it, my taste in music was all over the place. Much like how my life felt as a teenager. It was more about matching my mood to the music than committing to one particular genre, band or solo artist. A song had to express exactly how I was feeling in a moment.

The songs I've chosen here are significant to me and storied. This is the narrative of my teenage life.

Opening act...

Zombie - Cranberries

That's exactly how I felt during my teen years. Like a Zombie. There was so much going on above and below my neck. Pimples. Boobs. Wanting to be seen. Not wanting to be seen. Boys. School. Parents. Eye Rolling.

I found solace in Dolores O'Riordan's vocal style. It felt odd and out of place. Exactly what I needed it to be because I felt a little odd and out of place.

Not to mention, the Cranberries' No Need to Argue album was the first CD I ever purchased. That entire album will forever mean something to me.

The Freshman - The Verve Pipe

This song came out when I was a literal freshman in high school. I think that's why I liked it. That's probably the only reason. I was too young and naive to understand what the song meant. All I knew was that "We were [ALL] merely freshman" in that moment. The perfect excuse, really. Don't blame me, I'm just a freshman.

I'll Be - Edwin McCain | I Don't Want To Wait - Paula Cole

I was obsessed with Dawson's Creek. I didn't miss an episode. I Don't Want To Wait by Paula Cole was the show's theme song, and I'll Be by Edwin McCain had some air time.

Now, when I hear these songs, I'm taken back to one of the greatest love triangles in pop culture. There were others before it, I'm sure, but because I started exploring my own romantic life at the time, Dawson, Joey and Pacey is the love triangle that will stick with me. Team Pacey forever!

I longed to have a group of friends like the Cape Side crew. To this day, when I need a good cry, I watch the Dawson's Creek series finale. It makes me tear up. Every. Single. Time.

That's how it started. This was how it was going.

Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money In My Hands - Primitive Radio Gods

This song. If Dawson's Creek and the songs from the show fueled my ideal teenage fantasy, then this song brought me back down to earth. Listening to this song made me feel 'cool.' Gritty cool. Badass cool. Like I had seen some things. (I hadn't) Like I had conversations like the song described. (I didn't) But I was learning about disappointment and closing the gap between unrealistic expectations (ala Dawson's Creek) and reality. "I've been downhearted, baby..." I felt that.

The Way - Fastball

This song always came on when I was driving. Every time I hear it, I get major 17-year-old driving vibes. It reminds me of the very first day I got my drivers license. I was so excited! Driving meant freedom. Freedom meant 7-11 Slurpee runs whenever I wanted. I was about to embark on one of these runs, when I realized I forgot something inside my house. I parked the car in the driveway. I left the car running. I got distracted. Distraction lead to dinner, which lead to winding down from a pretty exciting day. Yup, I left the car running outside the entire night. We woke to a dead battery. My pops was none too pleased. We laughed about it later. But man, what a start to my driving career! I've never left a car on like that since!

Party Like It's...

1999 - Prince

With Y2K just around the corner, this song was inevitably played at every formal dance when I was going through school. An iconic song for a hyped up iconic time. We were living it.

Tubthumping - Chumbawamba

Shortly after 1999 would come on, the formal dance DJ would start spinning Tubthumping. This song would inspire crazy jumping and screaming our heads off all over the dance floor. We had all been knocked down at one time or another. It didn't matter that we didn't really know what "pissing the night away" really meant. We had all been knocked down, and we all got up again.

Love Fool...

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing - Aerosmith

Armageddon was a weird movie, right? Oil riggers sent to space to save the world? But man, did this song hit the mark. My high school sweetheart took me to see this movie at an old time-y drive-in. We weren't necessarily the kind of couple who had "a song" but when this one came on the radio, we would both sing this song out loud. Whenever I hear it, I think of that super sweet time and the innocence of first love.

"It's all happening." Penny Lane from Almost Famous

My love for live music started when I was a teenager. My first concert was seeing Lenny Kravitz open up for the Black Crowes.

Fly Away - Lenny Kravitz

Lenny Kravitz spent more time smashing his guitar on stage then he did playing his set. Regardless, I perked up when he started singing Fly Away. As a restless teen, I was jonesing to get the hell out of my hometown, and Fly Away became my anthem.

She Talks to Angels - Black Crowes

Aww, yes. This song brings up a delicate balance in loving someone despite or because of their crazy.

American Girl - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers was my the second real live concert I went to see as a teen. American Girl felt like it was written about me.

"She couldn't help thinkin' that there was a little more to life somewhere else. After all it was a great big world with lots of places to run to..."

This lyric came to define my young adult life. It shaped the road I traveled for years to come. Boy, did I make good on all the places I ran to.

I went on to go to at least 2 other Tom Petty concerts later in life. When he passed, I spent the day in bed. I was upset that a musician that influenced so much of my young life was gone.

Closing Time...

Graduation (Friends Forever) - Vitamin C

Cheesy with a capital 'C.' For sure. But aren't all graduation themed songs supposed to be cheesy? They played this song at the end of our All Night Grad party. They made us form an inner and outer circle in the middle of the gym. We had to go around and hug and say goodbye to each of our classmates. A bittersweet moment.

Even though I don't consume much cheese anymore, whenever I hear this song, I can't help but smile to myself and remember the awkward, sweet, confusing, confounding time of adolescence and all the music that helped me get through it.