Somehow I Bloomed Under The Moon

She grew up in a cult.

A place where self expression wasn't a right. Jewelry wasn't allowed, girls were expected to wear skirts, and you weren't allowed to speak to or date anyone outside of the church. It was an extremely sheltered childhood that was sprinkled with trauma and abuse until at 16-years-old, a Renaissance of culture and freedom came. This is what helped create Angel Haze.

Sometime in college I stumbled upon her music and immediately fell in love. It's hop hip at it's very surface, but all you need to do is focus on what she's saying to know that her music isn't the same that other female rappers are putting out. It's raw stories about her life and struggles. It's attacks on those trying to come for her name. And sometimes it's a beautiful love story.

Born Roes, Angel Haze was raised by her mother who fell for a cult-like preacher of the Pentecostal Greater Apostolic Faith who told her that God wanted them to be together, they would just have to wait until his current wife died. Cut to 10 years of living with this man and his family. It's easy to see why Haze considered this a cult. Being young and trapped in a situation where your identity isn't your own, not to mention being a victim of sexual abuse which she raps about in heartbreaking detail in her version of Eminem's "Cleaning Out My Closet."

I had to deal with my shit, I had to look at my truth.

To understand that to grow you've got to look at your root.

I had to cut off the dead, I had to make myself proud.

And now I'm just standing living breathing proof look at me now.

But once her, her mother, and her brother finally left the church, they lived their life as nomads and Haze was finally able to be introduced to the music that would inspire her to take the mic. And she burst into the hip hop world unapologetically with "Werkin' Girls" on her New York EP. And yeah, it's a hard hitting song, but since then her music has evolved even more powerful and emotional, letting the world into her experiences.

Particularly with her album Dirty Gold which got even more complex, showing that not only can Haze rap, but she can sing as well. Her song "Battlecry" is an anthem of strength, and even features Sia. In the video, it's a visual story of her hardships growing up, but some of the lyrics have always hit me right in the soul:

You the only person alive who holds the key to your healing.

So you take it and you run with it.

And keep going even when your suns hidden.

Because the time we spend in darkness when the rain comes,

is where we often find the light soon as the pain's done.

There's songs on Dirty Gold like "Deep Sea Diver" which is a story of love that can't be returned. It's significantly softer than the others, beautiful even, and shows the depth of Haze's talent. And she brought more of her singing voice to the table on her next album The Woods that once again shows her pure creativity with tracks like "Gods" and "Moonrise Kingdom," two that I couldn't stop listening to the moment I heard them.

One of the things that I think people both focus on and also underappreciate is the fact that sexuality is tackled in a completed unique way all across Haze's music. For one, we're obsessed with people's gender and sexuality as a society, and usually in a negative way. Maybe one of the reasons that Haze hasn't become widely popular is because unlike many female MCs, she doesn't use her sexuality as a weapon. Sex sells, and Angel Haze doesn't fit in the box of femininity that people undoubtedly want her to. Her songs aren't about sex, they're about survival. They don't focus primarily on male or female partners, but flow between the two and sometimes remain genderless (which is far more inclusive). Haze herself not only identifies as pansexual, but doesn't exactly subscribe fully to a gender either.

In a world where everyone seems way too focused on gender, Angel Haze has on numerous occasions declared herself agender. Lately it seems like she's decided to use the pronouns she/they but in the past has also accepted 'he.' I think this is partly why people have struggled with her image. There's an androgynously element to her that other female artists don't have. She can play the part of an artist with a feminine singing voice and then turn around and have her rap rival that of plenty of male MCs. Maybe part of her identity comes from a desire to reject conformity after growing up so sheltered and repressed. Maybe she's here to prove that gender really doesn't mean shit when it comes to music.

And other artists have definitely acknowledged her talent because she's been featured on a lot of songs across all genres. Like on Nick Jonas's "Numb," Mary Lambert's "Ribcage," and my personal favorite, a version of Woodkid's "I Love You" that is arguably better than the original because she's added to it.

Not only has she been involved in musical collaborations, but she was also a guest host with Nev Shulman on MTV's Catfish. Because of her past experiences, she made such a good guest host that they actually created a pilot of a completely new show with her and Nev called "Truce" though there was only one episode ever aired. It was meant to be about mending relationships between people and the first episode was all about a mother who couldn't accept her daughter's sexuality, an issue which hit close to home with Haze. But unfortunately the series never continued.

She was also out there protesting during last summer's powerful Black Lives Matter movement that swept across the country, and the world even, after the outrage over the death of George Floyd. She was tear gassed by police and Tweeted about the experience. She was one of many celebrities and artists who were out there protesting and supporting the cause, which makes and even more poignant statement.

Recently, Haze even made an Instagram showing her painting called 'Hazepaints' which showcases her work, much of which are intense self portraits of herself and her experiences.

But what's unfortunate is that she sort of faded into the background for quite awhile. Her last album The Woods came out in 2015 and though it hardly felt like that long ago, everyone was sort of waiting for her to come out with something new....and she did. Only this last January she released "Weight" which will hopefully be the first track on an entire album. According to NME, Haze said: "“When I or anyone else listens to 'Weight,' I want them to partake in the experience. Every single instrument is a testament to strength and colour. It is about how we grow our power. It’s about where to and how we carry everything we’ve had to survive, and then repurposing that energy. It took me quite some time to realise my weight, but now I’m too strong to hold. You will be too.”

It's another musical punch, a show of strength, a very welcome step back into the spotlight after not having released music for years. The video even plays with her androgyny, sometimes showing her feminine style in juxtaposition to her masculine one. And the last full line in the song pretty much describes her music and message perfectly: "I gotta do what it takes to survive."

And that's what Angel Haze and her music is all about. Survival. Standing outside the box. Fighting against your odds. Rising above your oppressors. Being unapologetically yourself. And facing your demons no matter the cost.