Shuffling Around Weird Places

Growing up I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I know the case of the Emo loner kid. The problem with the original profile is that it's usually some skinny white kid going through some angsty loner time. However, I don’t even fit the bill there. I am a big fat black kid who just wanted to belong. I am the black sheep of my family. I have always been naturally quiet, shy, glued to a book or weird show. My family never failed to let me know that I didn’t belong. Why aren’t you normal they would ask? Or what are you going to wear today let me guess something all black and a hoodie? They would laugh so hard, but it would hurt so bad because no one ever made fun of what they read, watch, or wore. So, when I had my cd player I never felt more at home or like myself. Most emo music videos felt like my life. Picked on for something stupid or overlooked for something crazy. Yep, that was me the emo black chick with the cool blue cd player. My first time hearing one of my favorite songs was when I was getting yelled at by my aunt. She said, “You don’t dance, don’t work, have any extracurricular activities how you expect to make it Victoria?” I didn’t say anything at the time out of respect and fear of getting kicked out of the house. She stormed off and I sat on the bed I literally heard something similar to the argument I just had with my aunt. “You like d&d, you can’t dance, and you can’t do karate how do you expect to make it? I don’t wanna make it I just wanna…. The intro to I’m Not Okay by My Chemical Romance I was hooked instantly so much so I almost missed school that day. I never heard someone speak like me or act like me. I was so thrilled that I found a genre of music for me. I HAD FOUND MY PEOPLE!!!! I’m not a hero I’m just a girl that’s it. Now that I found this band, I needed more hooked like a kid on phonics I searched for more music. I discovered Panic! At The Disco next with I Write Sins Not Tragedies I loved it instantly the weird themes the lyrics it was everything. A Fever Who Can’t Sweat Out is my life’s album. The lyrics, beats, and melodies on that album is insane. For example, in the song There’s A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven’t Though of it, Yet Brendon says I’m The New Cancer I Never Look Better And You Can’t Stand IT. That line is such a confidence booster for me then and now. It helps me keep my chin up even if I’m having a tough day. Every time my heart got crushed it was to MCR and P!ATD I rushed. Speaking of feeling inadequate especially around boys since I was a fat chick no boys looked my way except for when it was time for those boys to make a joke with their friends. Yes, because I am a big girl, I have no feelings, or desire to be with someone ever very funny guys. That’s when I discovered Fall Out Boy’s Sugar We’re Going Down as a young lady this song had everything I was thinking. I’m just a notch in your bedpost I hate to say this but sometimes I wanted intimacy so bad I did want to be a notch in a guy’s bedpost growing up, but this music helped me realize I should want more for myself. I discovered All American Rejects their songs Dirty Little Secret and Swing Swing called out to my heart. Though I wanted more for myself I still wanted a guy even if I had to be his dirty little secret which ended up with me having a broken heart. I would listen to Swing Swing every time too It took me a while to learn this lesson that I deserved more. Once I got this down packed, I fell for a guy that I saw a future with well as far as a 16-year-old girl could think anyway. I discovered Yellow card’s Ocean Avenue which is not just a good song but a terrific album. Though, I could not speak to him most days and when I felt like that, I listened to Avril Lavigne’s album Lets Go particularly the song Things Ill Never Say because I was so shy, and I wish I weren’t. Anyway, once I got the nerve to talk to him, I felt like Ocean Avenue was to be our song to run away to however that was not to be the case since he graduated and moved on without me. I went through a rough patch after that I would listen to Jimmy Eat World Sweetness, and The Middle it helped me remember that life can be sweet, and I’m not left out of things they will happen when they are supposed to happen. In turn, I wanted to have rebellious like Sum 41 in Fat Lip and Good Charlotte in The Anthem. Green Day made me feel like I can take down the government with the American Idiot album. Songs such as Holiday, American Idiot, and LetterBomb had me feeling invincible. My family saw it as a phase a weird one, but I was hardcore. In turn to dealing with school and boys, I mentioned family earlier that they made me feel like an outcast, but they also put more responsibility on me that they shouldn’t have. For example, taking care of their kids. I lived with my aunt and cousins since my dad was going blind, he could no longer take care of my sister and me. So, since I lived with them, they thought they could just do whatever they wanted and live me with their responsibilities. When I felt like it was too much to bear, I would listen to Simple Plan a lot of songs such as I’m Just A Kids, Welcome to My Life (I spent a lot of time crying to this one), Perfect (this one too), I’d Do Anything, and Shut Up! (more things I wanted to say but no gall to say them). I did my best to do whatever they wanted so I kept my mouth closed and my head down until I graduated high school. Later on, I got MCR’s The Black Parade album, it spoked to me because people have always put pressure on me about my mom’s death and carrying on the family name. I have no intention of having children, but this album said what I wanted to say to my family. The music that I grew up listening to help me be the cool person I am today. I learned it is great to feel empowered but have a direction with your empowerment. I chose to use my voice to write awesome stories and remember where I came from through the memories these songs created help me understand where I am going. A just think this all started over an argument about me cleaning my room and how I expected to make it.