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Reclaiming My Mom Bod In 2020

And the divorce that made me say I had enough.

By Kayla LindleyPublished 3 years ago 6 min read
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Let me be honest here for a moment, COVID-19 wreck shop in many people's personal lives this year. It brought many together, but it also caused several people to see their true colors and go their separate ways. For me it unpacked a lot of personal truths I wasn't prepared to have come to a head and did. After 5 years of being in a mentally and verbally abusive relationship, I decided for the sake of my kids and myself it was time to finally file the paperwork and leave for good.

We had been going back and forth for almost 5 years, and the entire time I felt like I had fallen into the same abusive cycle that I saw my parents had gotten into. And I knew that it was only going to get worse. There was no out, or fixing what was to come. So I left. I knew it had taken a toll on me because I couldn't loose weight. I had become so anxious and stressed from being in this relationship that my body was coping, ultimately surviving a day to day situation.

I felt truthfully dead inside for some time. Just going through the motions and taking care of my kids to the best of my ability. I knew physically my husband had lost attraction to me because he would bring it up to me constantly, telling me how it truly affected everything to the core of our relationship. Even as far as to tell me to not take my mental health medications, because they would cause me to gain weight.

When we met I was 145 lbs and had just joined the Navy. I was really fit, but eventually after we got married, I got pregnant with my oldest and had a C-Section. It was a really invasive surgery. But after having our second son, my body just never went back to normal. In fact it bounced slower to almost a screeching halt. Now I'm in my prime, all 215 pounds of me. I'm in pain all the time due to my Fibromyalgia and Ehlers Danhlos Syndrome, and it truly has decreased the quality of my life. I just wanted to be normal and happy. This healthy mom that could chase her kids around.

I began to realize being stuck in this unhealthy relationship is 90% of why my issues were happening. I was stress eating all the time. I found myself going to the gas station daily to get Little Debbie Snack cakes and sodas. I was eating out of boredom, and panic eating due to COVID-19 with stay at home orders. Not to mention, I wasn't drinking enough water so I was tired all the time.

I also was constantly focused on my children. Both of my kiddos have special needs, and I found myself having care giver burn out on a regular basis. It was like my brain wasn't able to think clearly anymore, and I kept thinking is this all there is? But after filing the papers, it has been a weight off my chest. Once he left, I was finally able to focus on doing what I needed to get done in my day to day routine. I truly have been focusing on self care, and learning to be patient as the days come and go. Finally I started working out.

I didn't start because I am looking to get with someone, I did it for myself. I stopped so much focusing on loosing weight, but rather becoming stronger. I am tired of physically feeling weak all the time. So I started lifting weights so I could feel stronger. I have more energy than I have had in a long time. I'm sleeping more at night, and I am doing all the things I need to be successful. Plus not to mention, the YMCA has child care included in your membership you pay monthly, so I get 2 hours of being kid free and it's fucking amazing.

I love my kids, but do you honestly know what it's like to reliably be able to drop my boys off and mentally recharge for 2 hours daily? I get to forget about parenting and doing this form of self care, so I CAN be a better mom to the kids. It's like putting on your oxygen mask first, so you can help others. And best of all, my kids are seeing me happier. I don't have a specific routine or eating plan, I just go. Because that's 90% of the battle is showing up daily even when you don't feel like it. So if I do cardio only, that's fine. If I bike and do all the machines, perfect. If I just do free weights, awesome. I still made it that day and that's all that matters.

There is one consistency though, I go in with a play list. I purposely bought these awesome Samsung Ear wireless ear buds and they are truly amazing! They help cancel out all the noise and help me focus on being present. And if you're curious on what I am listening to... well it's a little bit of everything.

1. Be Like That-Kane Brown

I met someone who showed me there was possibility out in the world after marriage. He lit the spark and abruptly left. While it hurts, this song reminds me of the time we spent together. I'm hoping some day he will come around so I can thank him for everything he did, because he reminded me of what hope was.

2. Wolves- Selena Gomez & Marshmellow

Can I honestly just recommend this because of how sultry and personal this song sounds? Sounds mesmerizing and sucks you in.

3. Pretty Girl (Cheat Codes x Cade Remix)- Maggie Lindemann

Found this song on TikTok, and it's catchy as hell. Most teens could be found shuffling upstairs with this, you'll just find me hitting that treadmill hard instead.

4. Kill This Love- Black Pink

This song is such a powerful female anthem. I ended up doing Just Dance one day, and happened to stumble upon the K-Pop scene as a whole, and this is one that I can never fully get out of my head. I think it's seriously the trumpet and the zero fucks given attitude is what initially hooked me.

5. Lost Within- FiveFold

This band you may have never honestly heard of because it's a local Saint Louis, MO band. But their live shows are amazing and there is so much passion when Ryan sings.

6. Sound of Madness- Shinedown

I mean... does this need an explanation?

7. Lose Yourself- Eminem

Or does this?

8. Saying Sorry- Hawthorne Heights

I loved this band. My Christian parents had a field day, once they found out I was listening to emo bands so this CD was immediately returned to their owner.

9. Facedown- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

10. MACKLEMORE & RYAN LEWIS - THRIFT SHOP FEAT. WANZ

I had to write that one in all caps, because this song is so catchy. I have the entire song memorized. And I used this song to win a contest in a bar one time!

So yeah, while all these guys are getting buff around me, this is what's usually blasting in my ear buds. It may be boring to some. But I love it. It keeps me in a good mood, and I show up every day to the gym.

- Kayla

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About the Creator

Kayla Lindley

Kayla is a neuro-spicy single mom, and writing is her therapy. When she isn't writing, Kayla is out collecting crystals, growing her sticker collection, and hiking in the mountains of Northern Washington with her Corgi Morty.

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