Musical Diary of a Misfit Kid

Feeling like a misfit, misunderstood and generally wishing you were anyone else in the world aren't exactly novel emotions for a teenager, but it seemed, at least for me, to be particularly acute. I really WAS a misfit and I really WAS misunderstood and I was very aware of just how different I was. And often, I really DID want to be anybody but me.

I was what you'd have called a nerd back in the 80's, very bookish, very bright, at a time when those qualities weren't exactly celebrated. I had a very small circle of friends, but I wasn't popular by any stretch of the imagination. Boys didn't notice me, unless someone needed help with their homework; really I was barely there. I was a teeny-tiny waif, 85 pounds of arms, legs and brains set underneath a mop of thick, unruly, frizzy hair.

I didn't fit at home any better than I did at school. I was a biracial child, adopted into a single-race home where no one looked anything like me. Even worse, no one seemed to think like me. Awkwardness was an ever-present sensation, hovering over me like a cloud.

My parents and my older brother, always noted how "weird" I was, preferring to spend my time reading or writing as opposed to hanging out with friends. And my constant questioning of authority and refusual to accept sacred cows like religion or tradition as absolute givens proved to be infuriating to the entire family.

My father did try, but with a fourth grade education himself, he struggled to relate to me as I moved from being a little girl into a teeenager. I would chat excitedly about my ideas, and things like math and poetry with him and watch his eyes gloss over. That blank look was like a knife in the heart, but I knew he couldn't help it so, I'd give in and play cards with him (I hate cards).

Looking back now, after over 30 years, I realize that my "teenage angst" playlist is all about that awkwardness, about the girl I saw myself as and the girl I thought I wanted to be. So, without further adieu, join me on a trip down my memory lane.

1. Hip to be Square: Huey Lewis and the News

This one is pretty self-explanatory, it described exactly how I wished things were. I mean, I was pretty "square", but I wanted to be "hip" so why not fuse the two together? P.S. it sure didn't hurt that Huey was gorgeous and really smart, having gotten a perfect 700 on his math S.A.T.'s. This song gave me that tiny glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, intelligence could be cool and it was okay to be me.

2. Invisible Touch: Geneisis

I remember listening to this song in my bedroom with my friends. It was, for a time, my "aspirational" song. I still remember the line, "and though she will mess up your life, you'll want her just the same". That's the girl I wanted to be! Don't get me wrong, I had no desire to mess up anyone's life, I just wanted to be that beautiful, that desireable, that impossible to resist, just like a soap opera villianess with men desperately falling at her feet.

Where Do Broken Hearts Go?: Whitney Houston

At 15, I met the man of my dreams. He walked into my French class looking like some sort of Greek God chiseled out of the finest marble. He was gorgeous, and sweet, and of course, I fell madly in love with him right then and there. We dated for a while, and I felt like the cat that had gotten the cream! Finally, score one for the little guys (girls, in this case), the best looking boy in school wanted me, little, odd, frizzy-haired me!

Of course, he broke my heart, and cue Whitney. I played this song over and over, wallowing in my heartbreak over my lost love, secretly hoping someday he'd come back to me, and of course, by the time he came to his senses, I'd be as beautiiful as Whitney, and maybe I'd take him back, or not. I hadn't made my mind up, but I revelled in the imaginary theoretical revenge of my turning him down.

As I sit here today, I fondly remember that strange little girl, and wish she knew the things then that I know today. I still march to the beat of my own drum. I still love these, and so many other songs that made up the soundtrack of my young life, and listen to them often. And as for that boy that broke my heart, wouldn't you know it, he came back about 7 years ago, so I let him marry me.