I Wanna Be Yours.

by Erin Shields 2 months ago in humanity

The Start Of Something Beautiful.

Mid- Summer I found myself sitting online, blogging on Tumblr unaware of what would unfold. The day that changed everything. This story is about how I met my partner; the long nights talking away, time flying - yes it really did fit all those cliches.

It wasn't exactly a 'fairy tale'. I had just been diagnosed with Bipolar and he was under social services care/homeless due to an unlivable environment at home. One of the first things we connected over was music. He sent me his Spotify playlist asking me to listen to it all. It had HOURS of songs on it. I remember thinking to myself how will I listen to all this in a day?!

I did pick out a few songs though and shared a playlist I had previously created as well. Music has always been a very big part of my life even more so when I started experiencing symptoms of what I now know today is Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder.

I have felt deep connections to music and specific songs. So why did I pick this particular song to write about? Well, this was one of the songs on his playlist. I enjoyed it, at the time my music tastes were more that of The Amity Affliction and Dead By April as opposed to the Arctic Monkeys and The Neighbourhood. The two bands that featured heavily on his playlist. In fact the reason his playlist was so long when he sent it to me, was because days prior he had decided to add pretty much the entire discography of The Arctic Monkeys available on Spotify to this one playlist.

We spoke early on mostly via chat on Skype. Oh yes, those days when Skype was the 'in thing', as the best way to message and/or call online. I have major anxiety so when he called me without warning early on I had a mini heart attack. At this point we didn't know each other well. Just by pure chance we ended up in the same group chat. It was mostly made up of Americans, so we got a bit more time to talk in the group as many were asleep during hours we were not.

Panicking I answer his call yet very quickly in I feel at ease with him. I find myself suddenly spilling my guts about everything troubling me. I have been a person who for 20 years had kept most of this inside. Eventually he had to end the call as it was getting late. I instantly really truly felt this connection to him - as I said cliches galore but it is true!

At this point you might be wondering 'But Erin what does this have to do with the song?!'. Well I found myself listening to the song more and more as the days went by. I just felt the lyrics so strongly so deeply in relation to this boy I barely knew, that I had never met. Crazy, right? But I couldn't help it. Again more cliches - every lyric truly became about him in my mind - queue the eye rolling- I get it, I do.

Skip forward a couple months; my dad had driven hundreds of miles to offer this newly turned 18 yr old boy a job and found him a place to rent near their work. One night I have had a couple drinks and again on comes Arctic Monkeys - I wanna be yours.

I am listening to those lyrics again:

"Secrets I have held in my heart

Are harder to hide than I thought

Maybe I just wanna be yours

I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours

Wanna be yours, wanna be yours, wanna be yours.

I just keep listening to it over and over and over. Those words ringing in my mind. I just want to be his and after spending a couple weeks in person with him, hanging out getting to know him even more it was harder and harder to keep these thoughts inside.

I was nervous but the couple drinks of Vodka and coke I'd had earlier helped calm my nerves. So not the most romantic of ways but hey it was the 21st century everything is technology based now. So I sent him a text telling him how I felt. Those minutes waiting for a response felt so much longer the utter sheer panic ensuing as I had hit send, the realisation of what I had done and not being able to undo that.

Melodramatic? Maybe, again it is how I felt in that moment. He too liked me 'YES' I thought to myself. The next day after work when he came to hang out at my parents like he usually did, it was a Friday at this point he was staying over Friday nights in a spare room. We stayed up late, we didn't address the situation too much until he goes in for the kiss. The awkward nervous first kiss but to me it was perfect.

Skip forward two years to 2018. The Arctic Monkeys are touring the site crashes and I cannot get tickets to see them in the UK. I make the rash decision of buying tickets to their Paris gig. So we set off that year to see them in Paris. Getting to see them live was amazing. Whilst they did not play I wanna be yours they did play a few other songs from that album ones that also now have become what we associate with 'our songs'.

This song listening to it over and over that night taking in those words, in my slightly tipsy state had me there thinking about how much I wanted to be his. How much I wanted to tell him and how hard it was to not say it and see him almost every day with this just weighing on me. This song is truly our song. It will be our song for the first dance at our wedding. Whenever this song plays it brings back the moment that changed my life in more ways than one. This wasn't just about finding love. This was about finding someone who has helped me through everything. The day we started dating is the day I stopped self harming for good. For four years now I have not made any new scars on my body. For four years I have been strong because I have had Kade right by my side, for every sleepless night for every tear that's fallen down my face. He has been there to calm me, hold me, and wipe away every tear.

This song changed my life and reminds me of the events and the person who has changed it. This song gives me tingles every time I hear it. It is my happy place when I hear this song, whenever I struggle I put on music and now I play I wanna be yours. I get to relive some of the happiest brightest moments. I tie this song to those moments in my life.

Now I get to say, that 'I wanna be yours' turned into 'I am yours' - and I wouldn't have it any other way.

humanity
Erin Shields
Erin Shields
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