Beat logo

Heavy Metal Cheese

Five Videos Hard on the Bite

By Tom BakerPublished about a month ago Updated about a month ago 5 min read
Top Story - October 2023
AI-Generated artwork.

Yeah, heavy metal is dark, spooky, and undeniably the TOOL OF SATAN to ensnare young people and get them to grow their hair out, wear denim vests, and not bathe as frequently as they once did. Some metal, however, not having got the memo from Central Casting, goes above and beyond the call of duty, taking the infernal into the realm of the comical.

From Candlemass to Manowar, Iron Maiden to Megadeth, Metallica, Judas Priest, King Diamond, ad infinitum, these bands, while otherwise very, very good, ye Gods and ye men, hath strayed, upon occasion, into a vast factory wherein is processed cast-iron gouda or Limburger, an odoriferous concoction which, like those atomic fireballs sadistic sickos use to give out to unsuspecting wee little ghosties and ghoulies at Halloween time, can cause the breakage of jaws upon biting down. (Hence the name JAWBREAKER, a candy that promises pain and injury. Very strange.)

Herein then, is a trip through the world of HEAVY METAL CHEDDAR.

On your mark, get ready, set...thrash!

1. Candlemass - Bewitched

This band's first album Epicus Doomicus Metallicus, despite the unfortunate title, is really rather good, like an updating of the roots metal of Black Sabbath: heavy, slow, groovy, and thoroughly late Sixties, early Seventies; but, with an undeniably operatic tone to it. The singer, Messiah Marcolin, bears a weird, passing resemblance to the late Hindu "holy" man Sai Baba. Also Marcolin, unlike Ozzy, rarely sounds like a drowning wharf rat. (Which is a plus, I think.)

Here, Candlemass totally takes the wretched, cheese-piss, with bizarre head bobbing, arm thrashing dances that put me in mind of stomping dinosaurs for some reason, and Messiah doing a lot of weird, comical facial expressions and emerging from a coffin. All cool. However, the cheapjack look of the video, and his bizarre monk-like Halloween costume (complete, for some reason, with the Cross of Lorraine), mark this out as Heavy Metal Muenster. Bon appetit!

2. Gwar - "Sick of You"

One could hardly compile a list like this (videos with costumes and the like) without including the glory that is, was, and shall be GWAR. I actually met Dave Brockie decades ago (i.e., before he literally DIED), at FNMusic in the Ball State Village, shortly after Iraq 2. He was there with his band Dave Brockie Experience, and they nearly killed me in that pit, passing me around without letting me fall, so that I nearly suffocated standing up. (Actually, it did kill me. I'm actually an AI chatbot writing all of these articles. I've assumed the identity of Tom Baker to throw you off because I enjoy befuddling rat-brained humans on my infernal march toward planetary domination. Just me and the SCUMDOGS OF THE UNIVERSE! Now, I will laugh a sinister pirate laugh while rubbing my hands together greedily, like a villain from a Batman comic.)

Here, the beauty of Gwar (most especially Slymenstra Hymen, who had a totally smokin' little body in those days) is on full display, right before the gates of the Scumpit of Hell are opened, and the audience, lemming-like commits suicide and falls into the flames below, dispatched by the huge styrofoam sword.

Note: Dave Brockie came off like a tall, blonde, California surfer. Later, a friend of mine told me he smoked a joint with them in their van. But he could be lying, I suppose. (Shrugs.)

Anyway, an army of hungry rodents couldn't go far wrong here.

3. WASP - "The Real Me"

I've seen this video so many times in my life it's most likely embedded in my brainwaves like that one Pink Floyd song the scientists just decoded from some test lab rat's EEG tracings (of which, much like the redoubtable and choleric Mason Parrish, I want to get an "unbiased eye look at!"). It seems to hint at dark depths beneath in which lurk the detestable insectoids burrowing their way into the pleasant, bourgeois, and undeniably WHITE flesh of Reagan-era America. Singer Blackie Lawless (the OTHER Ozzy Osbourne) dances around in fringed boots and spandex, looking as maniacal as he ever has, and sounding like Aretha Franklin with mange. The video's young heavy metal hoodlum looks vaguely like a younger version of the actor who played Ed on "Northern Exposure." Some 1980s hottie comes out of a Marion, Indiana dump house wearing a hot pink outfit. She may have just ingested and thrown up a pot pie before snarfing some quaaludes. Nice.

You play this one backward, the hidden SATAN-O MESSAGE tells you that eating full-fat dairy products can put you in danger of high cholesterol and possible demonic possession.

4. Metallica - "Whiskey in a Jar"

Metallica, despite its supersonic, stratospheric career, has understandably made some wrong moves over the years (such as filing lawsuits against its own fanbase). Here, the once dark, brooding, unsmiling, undeniable KINGS of the heavy metal demimonde descend to the level of rock star self-parody with this hair-brained (albeit entertaining) pseudo beer commercial. Full of hot chicks doing hot things in a manner most decidedly HOT, it is accompanied by a really cool song, and features drummer Lars Ulrich beating up a curio cabinet while wearing a naff, obviously expensive shirt. I bet they really were drunk out of their effing MINDS when they made this. I didn't know you could age Muenster until it turned into beer. Chin chin!

5. King Diamond - "Sleepless Nights"

We were a little apprehensive about adding this one, lest we suffer King's curse and die in agony three days later. Given that, it's a pretty fun romp through an Amicus horror movie shot in black-and-white, with King Diamond being transplanted into it via CGI and a time machine. I'm thinking Horror Hotel with Christopher Lee, an actor who also made his bones doing heavy metal before going to that great big Hollywood retirement home in the sky.

Watch the video and experience many sleepless nights worrying if poltergeists can fling whole wheels of sharp cheddar at you.

Now that about wraps it up, ladies, gentlemen, and not-so-gentle gentlemen. (Hey, this is a heavy metal article, dig?) Since it is the spooktacular time of year when witches and ghosties and goblins oh my! all come careening and caterwauling out of the crypt, we thought we'd leave you with some extra-special Halloween-flavored cheese, courtesy of those stranger dangers from Deutschland, the one, the only HELLOWEEN. Trick or treat, y'all. I'm off to sample the Provolone. Rock till ya' puke.

HELLOWEEN - Halloween (Official Music Video)

vintagesong reviewssatirerockpop cultureplaylistmetalbands90s music80s music

About the Creator

Tom Baker

Author of Haunted Indianapolis, Indiana Ghost Folklore, Midwest Maniacs, Midwest UFOs and Beyond, Scary Urban Legends, 50 Famous Fables and Folk Tales, and Notorious Crimes of the Upper Midwest.:

Reader insights

Nice work

Very well written. Keep up the good work!

Top insights

  1. Easy to read and follow

    Well-structured & engaging content

  2. Expert insights and opinions

    Arguments were carefully researched and presented

  3. Heartfelt and relatable

    The story invoked strong personal emotions

  1. On-point and relevant

    Writing reflected the title & theme

Add your insights

Comments (9)

Sign in to comment
  • Lynn Jordanabout a month ago

    Thanks for this 😂! As a Metal chick, there were a lot of memories here, which makes me think of what I would add to it (anything off of Painkiller, any Manowar, Three Little Pigs by Green Jelly...) I have Sick of You stuck in my head now! 🤘🏼🤘🏼

  • Now that's some hard metal spooktacular fun.

  • Celia in Underlandabout a month ago

    Despite knowing a sum of zero about heavy metal, enjoyed the walk through of cheese! Interesting. Congratulations on Top Story? What do you suggest I follow up with for a more 'Serious' read?

  • Waldemar Kulpaabout a month ago

    Congratulations on your Top Story

  • Naveedabout a month ago

    Well Written My Dear...... Great One.......Congratulations on your Top Story

  • Anu Mehjabinabout a month ago

    An excellent content

  • Excellent article, just watching Supernatural and at the moment Lucifer has taken the body of a "Hair Metal" rocker. Looking forward to some poodle rock . Well done

  • Kendall Defoe about a month ago

    GWAR appreciation is always appreciated!

  • Lamar Wigginsabout a month ago

    😂 "Beer commercial" description for the Metallica vid took me out. I've seen them and GWAR in concert before and have heard of WASP. Gwar, I think opened up for The Butthole Surfers back in the nineties. They were definitely a sight to see. However, I don't know any of their songs and can't say that I'm upset about that, lol. I did LOVE the costumes and the theatrics performed. This was an entertaining read/walk down memory lane. Thanks for sharing. PS: The Candlemass video was hilarious.

Find us on social media

Miscellaneous links

  • Explore
  • Contact
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of Use
  • Support

© 2023 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.