Forever Alone: The Soundtrack

*Disclaimer: This is my own personal experience with asexuality and not meant to be interpreted as a standard or blanket statement.

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" sums up perfectly what my teen years were like: girls having fun, with the occasional cameo of boys. This cheerful tune reminds me of the days when I would go to the beach with the girls, play Just Dance for Wii in my living room, stay up all night eating junk food, and hardly ever coming into contact with the opposite sex. Fittingly, this also describes Valentines Day for me as an adult!

Figuring Shit Out

I had my first boyfriend when I was fifteen. It was during sophomore year spring break and it lasted a week. To be honest, this “relationship” was anything but - I was much more in love with the idea of finally getting my first boyfriend than I was with the actual dude. This was made crystal clear during that week when he wouldn’t leave me alone and ended up telling me he loved me the Wednesday after we became “boyfriend and girlfriend.” Shiver. I couldn’t help but to put an immediate stop to that by ending whatever that was.

My next “boyfriend” happened the following summer and he lasted a month, getting kicked to the curb after I lost interest and never let him touch me. He also spent a whole date with pizza sauce on his face, which I had a much bigger problem with than you’d think.

I am now almost 25 and I have not since had a single boyfriend. I’ve had a few close calls, sure, but they’ve each ended in my losing interest, becoming nauseated by watching them eat, and feeling downright awkward whenever they touched me.

I’ve only actually kissed one guy - wait, no, correction: let one guy kiss me in my entire life when I was 22. Turns out I’m not a fan of the idea of sharing saliva with another human - or any of the other physical things he wanted to do. Alas, after some research, along came the realization that yours truly is…*drum roll*…ASEXUAL!!

I am a huge fan of this song, which embodies the concept of loving yourself for who you are! My sexuality will most likely hinder my ability to ever find a significant other, but I have since come to accept that and I’m well on my way to loving myself. I’ll take my own ass on dates, I don’t need a man to do that!

What is Asexuality?

It’s not very widely known to even exist, which made it extremely difficult to figure out that I am, in fact, asexual.

According to glaad.org, asexuality is a spectrum, and can present itself in several different ways with many sub-identities, including but not limited to: asexual/aromantic, grey-asexual/greyromantic, demisexual/demiromantic, reciprosexual/recipromantic, etc.

In my particular case, I fall into the grey-asexual category, meaning that I fall somewhere between sexual and asexual. I have extreme difficulty experiencing physical or sexual attraction to other humans, but it is possible and has happened before, though rarely.

To explain my experience, here is a food analogy!

Imagine every human is a donut, and I don’t really like donuts. Doesn’t matter what kind it is; sprinkles, jelly-filled, maple bars, apple fritters, etc…nope. The “grey” part comes in because the general idea of eating donuts does seem appealing in theory. If I see someone on TV eating a donut, I’ll think, “Eating a donut sounds pretty good right now!” I can also appreciate a good looking donut when I see one, but in reality, when presented with the opportunity to eat a donut, I don’t want to eat the donut. I don’t want to touch the donut. I don’t even want to look at the donut.

Unfortunately, this means that even when I do like the donut for its personality, more often than not, I am not attracted to it, which means that that relationship will be strictly platonic. I have ultimately friend-zoned myself FOR LIFE. Might as well listen to "One" by Three Dog Night on repeat for the rest of my life.

I had to include this one, because honestly Valentines day makes single people feel LONELY. Especially those of us who see no change in the near future because let’s face it: the odds of my ever having a significant other are extremely slim. I’ve accepted it and in fact enjoy it most of the time, but I also enjoy being dramatic and I like this song.

My Latest Attempt

My most recent relationship-close-call was with a guy I met on Match.com.

“But TJ, if you’re asexual, why were you on Match.com?”

Simple: I had a craving for donuts. It was a bad craving, too, like one of those cravings you would drive an hour through a blizzard for because it occupies every corner of your mind. I thought about all the people in my life who had their own donuts, and damn it, I wanted one too!

In all seriousness, I was craving companionship and I thought to myself, “what if I try one more time and it actually works out?!” Spoiler alert: it didn’t.

Unfortunately, I found a guy I seemed to click with. We had a fair amount of things in common and got along really well, but eventually the same old shit crept up from my subconscious. I had hoped that the more I got to know him, he might become attractive to me, but of course I began to be physically and emotionally super turned off and somewhat repulsed by all the attention this guy was giving me. Cue "Therefore I Am" by Billie Eilish - that was the attitude I developed.

Honestly every time I listen to anything Billie Eilish, I feel like a bad bitch who can take on the world through sheer willpower with the help of no one, and that’s exactly the kind of mindset I’d like to take with me into Valentines Day. Plus the lyrics to this song are absolutely brilliant at describing your emotions when you just want someone to get lost!

Can you guess what happened next?

Imagine "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd blasting from my car speakers as I drive down the freeway with the windows down.

For lack of a better word, this song just feels…freeing! There’s a reason I blast it in the car with the windows rolled down. It’s a great song to remind yourself that you are a free bird who doesn’t need anyone, especially on a holiday dedicated to love - JUST LOVE YOURSELF! I do!

My Experience with Couple’s Holidays and Events (Like Valentine’s Day)

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with my independence! One thing I learned from Match Guy was that I really don’t need someone blowing up my phone with a play-by-play of his very boring day, and if that is the epitome of a relationship, COUNT ME OUT. Instead, you can find me dancing by myself in my living room to "I’m Every Woman" by Chaka Khan.

Fun Fact: I actually saw Chaka Kahn sing this live at a revival tour in 2019. I can’t think of a better song to dance to on Valentine’s Day, especially alone in my own living room! If ever you’re feeling down on yourself and like you’ll be alone forever (like some of us), put this on and even the boys will feel empowered!

As comfy as I am with myself, when stupid events like Valentines Day, New Years Eve, or a casual barbecue where everyone brings their SO rolls around, I dread it.

Let’s bring back the analogy, but put yourself in my shoes: you don’t like donuts, but suddenly you’re craving one.

Now imagine you’re in a room full of people, and they’re each eating a donut. There are no extras, no donuts for you! It’s not like you’re going to go take someone’s half-eaten donut - that’s not sanitary (particularly now, thanks COVID)! And imagine each of those people was also intensely craving donuts five minutes ago, but now they have their donuts and they’re all severely enjoying them, savoring every bite. All you can do is watch, swallow the extra saliva your mouth generously overproduced, and swim in your jealousy.

Some of these people are talking to you nicely and normally while eating their precious donut, but some of them are judging you because you don’t have one. Their eyes bob up and down as they size you up before rudely asking, “Where’s your donut?”

You don’t like their attitude, so you get defensive: “None of your business why I don’t have a donut. I don’t even want a donut!” Oh, but you lied, to both the judgey person and yourself, because in that moment a damn donut is all you can think about. You’d give anything just to have one amazing donut for yourself.

What’s crazy is that you know perfectly well that you normally don’t like donuts, and if there were any more donuts for you, it is extremely unlikely that you would take one. The only reason you’re even craving a donut is because you’re at this event, surrounded by people enjoying their donuts.

This, folks, is why I choose to stay home and listen to "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera.

I realize this one is technically about a relationship, but I love this song because it portrays the beauty of a breakup. Even though Christina talks about her ex for most of the song, she’s really talking about how strong she is/already was. Not every relationship is right, and sometimes you just gotta cut the guy loose and relish in your alone time.

The Rest of the Soundtrack

When your life isn’t surrounded by mushy, red and pink ads and discount chocolate in the shape of hearts, single life can still be difficult. I tend to spend my days reading horror stories and watching Grey’s Anatomy, among other things. I’d much rather judge the lives of overdramatic surgeons than analyze my own.

I also spend my days cranking up Spotify and listening to pumped up music by Panic! At the Disco (my favorite band), Halsey, Alicia Keys, Kelly Clarkson, and Queen. And for holidays such as this, as much as I love her, I definitely steer clear of Taylor Swift.