For The Fandom

Many people the world over, myself included, consider British Indie Rock band Arctic Monkeys to be the greatest of our time. I speak for myself, but also, I’m sure for many others when I say that Arctic Monkeys got me through many dark times in my life with their music, their live shows, and the relationship I have with their fandom both online and occasionally in person. Through my 23 years on this earth I have seen and learned of music’s ability to both unite and divide people of all nationalities, gender and race. It occupies a special place on the high table of human connection, joined only perhaps by one other entity equally as powerful. That is of course: food.

So, it makes sense that given the opportunity, I should unite the two! Like Thanos and the Infinity Stones I will collect and conquer, with a dinner party that brings both forces of good together! And as I am the host of the event, I will effectively act as the master of human connection as well - combining the two Infinity Stones of human alliance in the ultimate event. One where I will get to celebrate the music I love with the people I know love it just as much. It’s an Arctic Monkeys themed dinner party, and my invite list is simple:

I have made many friends and found a lot of purpose in my life through being part of the Arctic Monkeys fandom, and so this will be an evening that celebrates that. It is for Artic Monkeys fans around the world, those that I know and those that I don’t. It is vital to me that this is a gathering just for those true fans of the band that have been there from the very beginning, elitist as that may seem. This is for those who care about the band more than they care about themselves. It's not just a celebration where any teenage girl on Tumblr can pledge her allegiance, no sir! This is a ritualistic event that will be thrown every year (but more on that later), and those in attendance will need to follow some strict thematic guidelines.

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“a rite is an action or series of actions that are special, unique, and have meaning for a community or tradition. They are usually, though not necessarily, performed in a special place, at a special time, or in a special way; or all three at once.”

So, I suppose you could say that my dinner party is not just an event, but a ritual. An almost religious-like coming together of people with one common belief that unites them. One that may one day be recognized worldwide as a true celebration and ceremony stretching well beyond that of any-old-dinner. It will effectively be a calendrical rite, as it will occur on the same day every year, as well as incorporating rites of exchange and communion, feasting, affliction, and even for many, a rite of passage. This is more than just a party.

But enough background! Let’s get down to it. My Arctic Monkeys Dinner Party will take place on the 4th May, every single year.

Why, you ask?

Because that is the 4th day of the 5th month of course! A day I now declare of significant calendrical importance to the Arctic Monkeys fandom derived from the naming of the band’s 2018 single “Four Stars Out Of Five.”

This may not originally have been a direct reference to the 4th May of course, but it sure is now! I mean, it’s the date of my dinner party for goodness sake! Star Wars fans also celebrate their fandom on the same day [May 4th- “May the 4th be with you”] but that is perfectly fine. We are not challenged by those in other fandoms. This event is designed to bring people together, not drive them apart. In fact, Star Wars fans may also attend my AM dinner party if they wish. We would be happy to welcome them in and expand the Arctic Monkeys fanbase outside of its already significantly wide border, though any of the newly converted will have to obey to my strict and precise rules.

And what are these rules? And how can an evening intended for enjoyment be enforced by such rigorous procedure? I’m glad you asked.

The first rule is dress code, and to some degree the way in which my guests must act. This is a formal dinner party, formalism being a vital characteristic of ritual that cannot be overlooked. All attendees must dress in the style of one of Arctic Monkeys’ 6 eras, defined by each of the 6 albums they have released so far.

The monkeys are a band celebrated for their ability to reinvent themselves, and so this dinner party will be an event where we celebrate reinvention, and a willingness to evolve as human beings. The dress code is vital because it represents this. So whether it is in the preppy, relaxed style of Arctic Monkeys first album [outfit example: ‘classic Reeboks’, or ‘knackered converse and tracky bottoms tucked in socks’ as referenced in the lyrics to A Certain Romance] or in the sharpened and more classically formal suits and sunglasses of the band’s latter work (‘sunglasses indoors, par for the course’) outfit is not to be overlooked. Attendees who do not dress for the event are quite clearly no die-hard Arctic Monkeys fans and can thus not be accepted into the fandom. I’m sorry, but I don’t make the rules, I merely enforce them.

Another formal element of this event will be the way attendees greet each other. We are a proud fandom and it is important that we recognize others within it as being one of us. When greeting another event attendee, the generally accepted practice will be to first make eye-contact across the room, before approaching each other and one person saying “stop making the eyes at me, I’ll stop making the eyes at you” [taken from debut single I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor] with the other replying “all I want to say is are you mine?” [R U Mine - 2013]. I believe this to be an exciting and on-brand method that will help us recognize others as being a member of the fandom, and welcome them to my Arctic Monkeys event. It’s a greeting that says, “I see you, and recognize you as someone just like me” regardless of where in the world they are from.

It is of course, a dinner party designed to celebrate all that we have in common, not that which separates us and so the greeting can be said in whatever language the attendee feels suits them best, whether that is in the English that Arctic Monkeys sing in, or a translation into the individual’s mother tongue. It is also my hope that after the dinner party is over, attendees and members of the fandom may practice this greeting outside of it and on days other than the 4th of May. Why not let allow some of the traditions to continue past this very special event?

Now, this next rule may come across as slightly ‘cult-esque’ but it is not intended as such. It is merely a means to move on. You see, it is understood amongst us all that during a calendar year, one cannot listen exclusively to Arctic Monkeys, but this does not mean that element of betrayal can be easily forgiven. So, before we move on to the feasting aspect of the dinner party (perhaps while my guests are enjoying a welcome margarita - the band’s backstage drink of choice) they should acknowledge and discuss the other music they have listened to in the past 12 months, that which is not made by the band we worship.

This is not intended to be a confession, but rather a means to expand each individual guest’s horizons so that they may find more in common and more to discover in the months before the next dinner party takes place. They will then be cleansed from this sin by taking off their sunglasses [which obviously they are wearing, lead singer Alex Turner always wears sunglasses] and washing them in a bucket of Dandelion & Burdock [referenced in Suck It And See, 2011] before shutting their eyes and saying the name of each band member, Alex; Jamie; Matt; Nick BACKWARDS [Kin Tam Imaj Exal] as the band are renowned for doing after discussing it in a 2011 interview with KROQ. Once this is done, our guests will be given back their sunglasses and open their eyes again into the harsh strobe lighting I will have installed around the dinner table so as to remind us of our favorite Artic Monkeys concerts. It is time to move onto the feasting.

And feast we shall! Not just on food but also on music and understanding! As we eat we will be listening to every Arctic Monkeys album in full! With people who care! No unwelcome interruptions from our parents or the general monotony of day to day! Just us! The fans! As we come together as people, celebrating what is important to us and feeling accepted by those around us who believe in the same thing we do.

But outside of music and good company, what shall we feast on? And this is where things become more complicated. How can I serve food to a sea of guests from so many cultures and nationalities (the band’s appeal is truly worldwide) without offending at least some of my visitors?

I could of course choose to serve the food of Arctic Monkeys home-town, but I feel the pub-grub of Sheffield may not be exciting enough for a dinner party of this enormity. Perhaps I could look to Arctic Monkeys songs for inspiration, and serve drinks of “Smirnoff Ice” and “Tropical Reef’ as mentioned on their seminal debut album? Too simple. Too obvious! No. For food and drink I think I will take things into my own hands...

My hope of course is that as this dinner party will take place every year, it will come to be hosted by many different fans around the world and often with multiple parties taking place simultaneously, as different people choose to honor the band on their own timezone and with their own company. The best dinner parties I think are when the host cooks themselves, and his or her guests are welcomed into their life through the food they choose to serve and the love they put into making it. At my dinner party, I will serve food that I love, that represents my background and upbringing, so that my guests may get to know me better and I will know them better too. And my hope is that in subsequent events, other hosts will do the same. A great dinner party should take work. It needs love in the preparation and love for those attending, and where better to demonstrate this love and work, than in the food?

On the menu today: A chicken tikka masala curry. The national dish of England where I was born and from which Arctic Monkeys hail, but one that I only fell in love with during my time growing up in South Africa as it was served by The Raj, the curry house down the road that we would get takeaways from every Friday night. I have cooked this dish many times over the years and for many different people, but never for an event as important or as massive as this one. I’ll need to prep all day, and I’ll get some of my close-friends who are also avid Arctic Monkeys fans to come around and help. Chris and Kevin will join me early in the day, who I met in Spain and bonded with over a love for Arctic Monkeys second album, and we’ll cook together while discussing our favorite memories over the years, all of which have been soundtracked by the same band. A wonderful day of preparation paired with reminiscence it will be! Perhaps we’ll even indulge in a bottle of Bulleit Bourbon while we cook, Alex Turner’s (lead singer and songwriter) favorite whiskey.

For desert though, I think some further tradition should be put in place. And so I will serve Humbugs, a hard boiled peppermint sweet from the UK in reference to Arctic Monkeys’ 3rd album of the same name. They will be sweet relief after our spicy main, and will cleanse the breath of anyone who perhaps finds a partner at my dinner party which they have so much in common with they may wish to take things to the next level. Because on a day where we celebrate something we love so deeply, it is likely that love itself may become a consequence of the evening.

One of the more exciting and less rigorously implemented parts of my dinner party is that of performance. Once the food has been eaten and the albums have been enjoyed, I, the host, or any future host of such event, may read the room and realize that a party is on the cards. Why should the dinner party end at dinner? Let’s take it through the night! If such is the case, the evening’s host should stand up from the table and shriek, “LAAAADIEEEES” with as much power and gusto as they can manage after such a meal. This is of course in reference to how Alex Turner introduces the band’s biggest hit, I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor when playing it live.

At this point, all attendees join in singing the riff to Arctic Monkeys single 4 Stars Out Of 5 - the song in which the date of the event is inspired. Singing this riff in unison is a momentous moment at any Arctic Monkeys concert, and will be even more moving considering what it means at this particular event. The dinner is over, but the party has just begun, and so the music will be turned up and we will hit the dancefloor as Arctic Monkeys’ great hit always alluded we should.

We’ll dance the night away to all music of any band or any decade. For what would Arctic Monkeys be without their influences? And what would the future be without those that they influence? The DJ can play whatever they desire, and we will party to whatever they feel is right.

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For many, my Arctic Monkeys dinner party will be a rite of passage. A moment for new true fans to be accepted into the fandom, or for old fans to pledge their continued allegiance. And so, as each guest leaves my house it is my hope that they will pledge their allegiance to Arctic Monkeys for the next 365 days. Much can change in a year. Tastes alter, and those we surround ourselves with may expose us to something new and exciting. I understand this, but it is my hope that we will not forget from whence we came, and so as they exit the building, each guest in turn will remove their sunglasses one last time and recite the opening lyrics to Arctic Monkeys fan-favorite track ‘505’ [voted as so in 2017].

“I’m going back to 505, if it’s a 7-hour flight or a 45-minute drive” we will say as we leave the night of our lives. It is a reminder of what we experienced together, and that which we know we will experience again. Perhaps at someone else’s dinner party or maybe in the solitude of our own bedroom. The night lives on.