EarPlosions

Sam Spinelli has set us a challenge: Introduce him to songs that he will hate just as much, if not more, than we, ourselves, do.

I hereby present to you a deeply unbearable musical mixture to displeasure your senses and madden your mind, set in the order of least to most despised.

5. "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen (sung by Jeff Buckley)

The titular word is used in contradictory ways. I do not understand the overall meaning of the song, except that it's meant to be deep and important. My main question is: How can there be a holy and a broken hallelujah? From Bible Study Tools, "The word hallelujah is a transliteration into Greek of two Hebrew words: halal and YHWH. Halal means to 'extol the greatness or excellence of a person, object, or event.' It is often translated to 'praise.'"

If you're praising, I take that to mean that you're giving thanks and worshipping, which doesn't seem possible if the word is broken. Maybe the worshipper himself is broken...but the word itself can't be without becoming a new action or word, right? And the lyrics don't lend themselves toward a consistent state of brokenness that gets redeemed in the act of worshipping God. So...why use the word at all?

I could keep waxing on about this song, but I'll stop here. I just cannot make sense of the overall argument. Is it to deconstruct a word of deific praise? Is it to bring nuance to both sides of human experience without landing anywhere constructive?

I don't know. But I hate post-modernism.

4. "Memories" by Maroon 5

I hold negative respect for musical artists (or group of songwriters) who take a beautiful classical composition like "Pachelbel's Canon in D" and use it for something so subpar as "Memories." Why couldn't they make up an original hook, one that would've been just as catchy, and that wouldn't have tarnished an historical masterpiece? Where the Canon is languid and romantic, taking the strings and weaving the notes into a state of peace, contemplation, and movement, "Memories" is plucky, simplistic, and percussion-heavy, yet still sounds like it wants to capture a more contemplative vibe. It simply clashes.

Lyrically, it's saccharine and more of the same. It clashes with a sense of authenticity, bringing vague aphorisms to an intention to remember someone who has gone. How can I, though, when the "you" in the lyrics is not specific? It brings the focus back to the music, and we start all over again.

4. "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen

Dear rare listener who likes this song,

Please pitch it to me.

Where's the redeeming line or note? The lyrics make no sense, the music is so repetitive that it eats my brain into wanting to sing along, and it has a really stupid music video.

"And now you're in my way" completely clashes with the setup in the first verse. Supposedly she's lusting after a guy, but the phrasing makes it seem like an inconvenience—a true inconvenience. Yet, she's obsessed. On top of that, he doesn't seem to acknowledge her existence, and all we have is her word that she gave him her number...Like I said, it makes no sense.

2. "Dance Monkey" by Tones and I

Confession-time: I've never heard the entire song. I can't get past the voice, like a child's: whiny. It's classic pop-annoying—high pitched, repetitive, danceable, stuck in your head when you want anything else to be there. At least "Call Me Maybe" has some changes in the melody and verses.

One saving grace: lyrically, it makes sense. I believe the message of using people for personal pleasure or gain is quite common in relationships, if not more so in the entertainment industries. So perhaps it's sad that it blew up as much as it did.

1. "Unholy" by Sam Smith (feat. Kim Petras)

So, correct me if I'm wrong, but this is about a husband cheating on his wife with a hired woman of an explicit description, yes? But it's phrased as though it's addressed to their child; i.e., "Mummy" and "Daddy." That adds a repulsive nature to the lyrics right off the bat. Creepy. To the max.

Then you get the choral echoes/overtones of the backup singers, sounds that are traditionally in Christian chapel music. This gets us an overtly sacrilegious tone which, combined with the "story" it's telling and the performances of it I've seen clips of (indirectly), communicates a reverence for sexual deviancy. Why would I like it? Why would anyone?

This industry seems to prioritize sexuality above artistry, songs and performances, mixing in Satanic imagery (red, devil horns, group violence, etc), leaving the viewer in a state of violation.

I don't know why this song was written, but I would guess the intentions were not pure.

Bonus: "The Partisan" by Leonard Cohen

I actually like this song. It's got a good balance of prosody and a solid poem for the lyrical base. I also enjoy the chord progression; depressing with enough hope to match the story.

Not a big fan of this artist, but this is a good exception.

(THANK YOU to Alex McEvoy for the introduction to this piece. Go check out his profile, especially the story that was inspired by it, aptly named, "The Partisan.")

Conclusion

Despite the larger world of music being largely awesome, I do find myself living in a time where the popular genres are not for me. I really can't stand most of the hits, from about the 90s onward. Don't get me wrong; I can find music in every era that I like. However, I dislike what's popular because I've concluded that the general population has terrible taste in music.

Thank you so much for reading slash listening! I didn't think it would be, but this was a hard challenge.

Cheers!