Dream Down Memory Lane

My eyes opened to white clouds engulfing my whole body. I was weightless, lighter than a feather. I swirled with the wind, suspended in the sky. During my time floating around I was limitless, time non-existent. Until the softest light started to pierce through the middle. The clouds split open, revealing the most beautiful pink and purple master piece of a sky you've ever seen. The moon shone on a heavenly gate, with words carved out in the silver, the gate read "Memory Lane".

I extended my arms towards the gate and tried to swim through the clouds towards it. I don't really know why I thought I could swim through clouds, but in any case it turned out I could. I landed my feet onto the cool cobbles of the path the gate stood on. In the distance, I could hear a song.

The metal bars looked so very heavy, but with a little push they opened up. Behind them was a town, it was a sunny day, with plenty of people bustling around. I stepped into this quirky little town, suddenly aware I was both barefoot and in my pyjamas. It didn't matter much luckily, as I quickly realised I could see them but they could not see me.

Walking through the streets I found the source of the song I had heard on the other side of the gates. A car up ahead to my right was parked. It was empty but the radio was still on inside. As I looked down at the handle I noticed it had this bright blue, iridescent glow to it. Curious, I reached out and grabbed the glowing door handle, but as I opened the door something peculiar happened.

Shockwaves travelled through my body like I'd been electrocuted. Every cell came alive and pulsed to the rhythm. The song got louder, and louder, until I felt like I was entangled in the very notes of the music. I blinked, and when I opened my eyes I was somewhere else. I was inside the car but I was so tiny. I realised I was in a car seat.

And thus began what I came to know as my trip through the dream world, down a place called memory lane. I'll tell you all about it as I take you song by song through the soundtrack of my life so far, in this place where every memory plays a melody. Buckle up, the clouds make for a bumpy ride.

1. "Breakfast At Tiffany's" - Deep Blue Something

Looking up at the car window I can see the sunlight streaming in. I was just born, and being brought home from the hospital. This was not a memory I have personally, but I've been told the story time and time again by my Mum. The story of how the radio played "Breakfast At Tiffany's" whilst my Great-Grandad drove us safely home.

2. "Take Me to the River" - Talking Heads

I close my eyes I'm sucked through time again. This time I wake up to a talking fish on the wall. I'm dancing with the same Great-Grandad who delivered me home. He laughs, and laughs as I dance to "Take Me to the River". An avid fisherman, the fake fish on the plaque on his wall sings away, and waves it's tail as I mimic it's actions. The air smells like rolling tobacco and Old Spice's classic cologne.

I hold this moment in my heart as the music plays out. Knowing I would go on to sadly lose him before my teens, but still so grateful for the short time I did get with him. His funeral would be one of my earliest experiences truly writing from the heart, to move people, as I would write a speech in his memory and deliver it at his funeral. An amazing old fashioned man and a true gent. How beautiful it feels to relive his presence for a few short moments with this song. I shut my eyes and again I'm whisked away.

3. "Blue Suede Shoes" - Elvis Presley

Upon opening them I recognise the opening beats to the next song instantly. Who wouldn't? It's the King of rock and roll. Mr. Elvis Presley, and it's my Grandad's favourite song. If I close my eyes I can just see him belting it out through his whiskey stained moustache, and shaking his leg to the beat. A tribute to the king himself.

But right now we're not singing Elvis. We're taking a ferry across the Mersey to a play area we can have lunch at. Elvis rings out in the background. I loved our days like this when I was small. We would always stop at this beautiful fountain afterwards and just stand for a while and watch the buckets of water tip into one another. Tired from the play area and the fresh ferry air.

It was simple and peaceful, nothing to do, nowhere to be. I could stand in this moment forever, but I know I have to move on when the song comes to an end. That's the thing about life, some chapters you wish could last forever, but you have to keep turning the pages.

4. "Waterloo Sunset" - The Kinks

On my next page, the sun is warming my face as "Waterloo Sunset" softly fades in. The happy melody fills the air along with the smell of freshly cut grass. A stream runs in the distance. I feel warm and relaxed sunbathing on a creaky old fashioned sun lounger outside my childhood caravan with my Mum and Dad. It makes me think about how effortless relaxation was before we all grew up.

I pick out of my sweet bag a tiny burger made entirely of jellies. What more could a child need than the simple joy of cheap sweets and a wooden play area just seconds away. Friends dotted around the site to be called upon at any moment for an afternoon's dam building. A rope swing next to the river. Mountains to hike, and old church ruins to explore.

Images of the old fashioned wind breakers give me serious nostalgia. I'm reminded of the smell of old gas fires, and evening dew that would sweep though the site after a day of playing. The quiet of a childhood without mobile phones gave us so much room in our minds for imagination.

5. "Fascination" - Alphabeat

In the blink of an eye I flutter open my eyelids to a different scene. The place is the same but now I have a baby brother. The wind rushes past my face as my legs take me as fast as they'll go down the side of a steep, grassy mountain. We would walk all the way to the top, and then this was our special tradition on our way to the bottom.

We would start the speakers on my Mum's Sony Ericsson at the top of the hill at the bottom of the mountain. We would play this song as loud as her phone would allow, (which was pretty loud for us at the time because she had a speaker we had to plug into the phone's charger port) and run down the hill as fast as we could.

If you've never ran down a hill with this song playing before, I suggest you do so at your earliest convenience. There's something simply wonderful about it. The beat fits perfectly. As the song ends I close my eyes and lay down on the grass to catch my breath.

5. "Eye of the Tiger" - Survivor

When I open them again the energy is still high, if a little more serious. Nervous butterflies buzz around my belly. The song on the radio in my Dad's car can only mean one thing, it's race day.

See, I had always loved running, when I was little I would run whenever I could. In primary school my above average height meant a typical old school P.E coach would scout me out and demand I ran for the school team. My parents supported me fully, and on this particular day my Dad was making the long journey with me from the caravan to one of my races. Of course he was playing Rocky tunes all the way there to get me pumped.

I loved how much they supported me. Although it wouldn't be something I would carry into adulthood, I loved those days racing and training. The health benefits would set me up for life. My Dad would always be sure to remind me at future family gatherings that I "could have been an Olympian" and he "could have retired early".

6. "Never Forget" - Take That

Thoughts of Primary School whisk me away to the song we played at our leavers assembly. I'm so grateful that I got to go to a typical old fashioned primary school with "houses" that had crests, stereotypical teachers who had worked their departments for years, and annual summer fayres.

We would spend long days in the field in summer playing rounders, and Sports Day was a competitive all day affair. We had school discos and wooden benches, we didn't have tablets but we did have a TV with a big back that would get rolled in on a metal trolley for special occasions. And as we all came together to sing this song there wouldn't be a dry eye in the house.

It would also be one of the last times I'd see my Aunty Angelique who would make her way over after a panicked last minute phone call from me worrying that nobody would turn up. Leaving primary school marked the end of simpler times, a shedding of naivety a little part of me will always wish I could return to. But as with all moments, as quicky as I've wiped away my tears I'm being moved along to the next stop on memory lane.

7. "Proud" - Heather Small

On the next stop in our magical mystery tour I'm in my very first secondary school form classroom. The thing with teachers is to some it's merely a job, to others it's a way to make a difference. To inspire, to guide, to uplift. My first form teacher was in that second camp.

He would play this song every single day as we walked into class and encourage us to ponder what we could do in that day to really make ourselves proud. I suppose in a way this was my first encounter with mindset, gratitude, and manifestation. Walking into the classroom again in this tour of what shaped me, I can see how much of an impact this had on me. I hope he knows what he achieved, and the impact he had on us. I hope he thinks of us from time to time, and feels genuinely, purely proud.

8. "Number 1" - Tinchy Strider, N-Dubz

As anyone who grew up anywhere ever knows, becoming a teenager is far from rainbows, roses, and profound moments listening to Heather Small. As we settled into secondary school smart phones and laptops began to arrive. And as I open my eyes in this memory I can see myself tapping away on my school laptop downloading songs like these when I was supposed to be working.

Thank god I was blessed with a gift for communication and could basically talk me and my group through any project, with little to no actual work put in to the topic we were given.

9. "Bubbles" - Biffy Clyro

I blink my eyes a few times and look down at my hands. I'm covered in bracelets, and have ink "tattoos" all over my hands. My Dad definitely won't be happy when I get home. I made friends early in secondary school with other more alternative kids, and had far too many emotions for my under-developed brain to cope with.

The majority of this memory seems to be me staring into YouTube looking for new emo kid music, and the rest is watching Twilight and trying to nail Bella's stony emotionless gaze. To be fair to teen me, I think I came rather close.

10. "Vic's Lament" - Vic Ruggiero

Hearing this song and seeing the warm kitchen lights I'm taken to the time I started writing my own plays, monologues, and poems. I developed an unhealthy obsession with a boy older than me, and would try at all times to remain as vibey as possible (sorry Michael!).

We would drink coffee for hours and eat ramen noodles whilst talking philosophy and writing my latest piece about a girl with wanderlust travelling the world. An artsy teenager with a muse, how cliche. But these were the days and conversations who shaped who I am today. And I'll forever be grateful I had a safe space to go to where I could completely be myself, whilst I was working out who I was.

11. "Love is Strange" - Mickey & Sylvia

Walking through the aisle of an old style cinema, one of the few of it's kind left, I can smell the popcorn and feel the felt seats. I had came on one of my first ever dates. I felt like every teenage girl in every coming-of-age romantic comedy ever. In true movie style I had a mix tape CD made for me, and watched an old film in an old cinema on Valentine's Day. I can feel how giddy I felt as the intermission lights came up.

Although this was one of those fleeting things that didn't workout, I'm still happy to sit for a couple of minutes watching the film and enjoying the gentle ease of the moment. Before I move on, I catch a glimpse of a quote my date wrote in my card, that would become somewhat of a mantra for life from that point onwards.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, you are my greatest shot" (Unfortunately I was young, and stupid, and definitely was not his greatest shot. But I think of the mantra any time I feel scared to plunge into something new).

12. "(Sittin' On) the Dock of the Bay" - Otis Redding

The sea air surrounds me at my next destination. I look up, and my Dad passes me a phone playing Otis Redding, and tells me to just sit and listen. This would become the place I return to every time I need to think of a happy place. Peace fills my soul as birds fly over head.

Life will be filled with amazing moments, but this one is truly perfect. As the song fades out I think about how my Dad just knew how to create the perfect moment with the perfect song, in the perfect place. I feel ridiculously content, and grateful beyond compare.

13. "Last Night (Beer Fear)" - Lucy Spraggan

I can tell in this memory I've discovered drinking because I can't see straight. I live and breathe theatre, and meet up regularly with other drama kids to drink and practice our latest plays. I'm in a room full of beautiful, creative, deep, boys and girls that I've known for years. My soul family. The place I got to when I feel like no one will understand.

Tonight we're laughing, meeting up outside of our local drama group and trying to stay in character. Something called method acting. We've spent the last few years deep diving into theatre and now we're all growing up. We'll go our separate ways sooner than any of us are prepared for. But these people, and our practitioners, will always stay a massive part of my heart.

For now, in my mind's eye, we're walking to McDonald's hungover in a Tiger onesie laughing so much our stomach's hurt. Swirling each other around in trollies outside the supermarket. I throw my head up and laugh into the sky.

14. "The Thrill" - Wiz Khalifa, Empire of the Sun

In the later years of my teens the days feel long. There's a heaviness in my chest, a lot has happened I'm struggling to wrap my head around. But laughing with friends always made it feel better. I lie on the grass and watch the clouds to Wiz Khalifa's album, but always this song in particular. Things don't feel so heavy, if just for a moment.

The clouds drift into sunsets. I spend long hours on busses to beach sides just watching the world out of the window. The guy from the kitchen I'd loved since I was 14 takes pictures of me running down the beach towards the sunset. An orange hue rises up through the curtains whilst GTA 5 plays on the TV in his room. I wrap myself in his favourite band hoodie and curl up on the bed. I live off takeaway food and ready meals but feel healthier somehow than I ever will as an adult. Tomorrow we'll sit on the grass and watch the boys throw a ball again, we'll find some kind of thrill to distract us from how serious life's getting. Enjoying the freedom, but nowhere near ready to grow up.

15. "My Head Is A Jungle - MK Remix/Radio Edit" - Wankelmut, Emma Louise, MK

Things take a darker turn, but through the dark, the room pulsates with strobe lights. I catch glimpses of friendly faces as the lights dance through the pitch black room. I'm enjoying myself, I think. But darker events of my teen years have taken their toll and I'm struggling to deal with... anything at all really.

The beat pulses through my chest. It eases some of the piercing pain that has taken residence on my solar plexus, so do the drinks. This doesn't feel like me. Still I don't regret these memories. I've come to learn people are generally just doing the best they can with whatever resources they have available at that time.

16. "Glitterball" - Sigma, Ella Henderson

One night dancing through dark rooms a friend picks me up and spins me around, and in an instant a friend is no longer a friend. A trajectory is altered, and time will never be the same. A tangent is created, with more weight to it than could ever be conceived at the time. I see first hand how quickly everything you ever knew can be turned on it's head. Never to be turned back again.

17. "Mirages" - Mitis

Songs without lyrics, I'd never listened to songs without lyrics before. They feel lighter. I'm living in the moment instead of in the chaos. I spend six months falling in love and living moment to moment without regard for anything other than the present. Being guided through it by a boy who's thinking style, so opposite to mine, feels like a cooling balm to my frazzled mind and exhausted soul. Being so deep all the time comes with consequences.

Every day feels like the saxophone melody to an Ibiza beach mix. We make plans to do fun things in foreign countries over drinks with his family. We sing, we laugh, we sleep. We plan holidays, and avoid my boring flat mates. I get a job in a bar and move into a house share. He looks at me like I've never been damaged, I start to forget I ever was. We talk about summer work in Spanish party destinations. I'm violently sick in the toilets of a run down old bar in the city centre on a spring day. And then suddenly I'm looking at a pregnancy test, it's positive. This wasn't on the agenda for summer...

18. "Chained to The Rythm" - Katy Perry, Skip Marley

Bright lights pierce my eyes as the next song blurs into my ears. It's uncomfortable, unsettling to listen to. The most perfect little baby is placed on my chest. He's beautiful, I love him instantly with every cell in my body. I spend the next year looking after him whilst simultaneously fighting a crushingly intense, and seemingly never ending bout of postnatal anxiety. The panic attacks assault every muscle, every sense, multiple times a day.

I'm experiencing the most beauty and the most pain I've ever experienced, and it's all happening at the same time. I'm so thankful for the gift of my baby boy, and yet begging for help. I've never experienced anything like this before. I wish I could tell that girl she'll get through it. And that her little boy would be fine, more than fine. He would grow into the kindest, smartest, most amazing little soul. And he would teach her every day more than she ever thought possible.

19. "Never Grow up" - Taylor Swift

The next stop starts similar to the last only on an operating table. A little girl born nearly 10 whole pounds. I cope better this time. I see her cheeky little grin, and her feisty personality. I see all the times she showed it to me, like when she refused to use a pram barely over two years old.

She's smart, I think she's smarter than me. I hear her delicate little voice that never stops, and see the montage I made for her birthday. Pictures of her growing. My baby. My eyes are amazed, but my heart begs her to grow a little slower.

20. "I Am" - Satsang

Finally, I come to a big open beach filled with people. My back sits tall, my heart filled with courage. I get the urge to bottle this vision. To take it back through memory lane to all the versions of me that came before. To tell them it will all be okay. Then I realise it's those versions of me that got me here in the first place. They know the way, they're walking it. And they're closer than they think.

I chant, I dance, I give thanks, I gaze at grandfather sun and give a nod to grandmother moon. I feel myself gently supported by the universe, the cosmos I emerged from, and will eventually return to. I stand and walk towards the sun as the vision starts to fade into pure light around me. The bell dings, the conductor calls "last stop!" from the clouds.

I walk into the light, the clouds engulf me once again, leaving me suspended in their graceful embrace. The song my Dad showed me as a child, words to live by, plays gently echoing through the sky. I rest for a moment, feeling the pace of my breath. It's tranquil and slow.

Spending the night being transmuted through time was raw, insightful and beautiful all at once.

Thank you for sharing the journey with me, down memory lane and beyond. Thank you for being a part of reliving my life through song.

If ever you'd like to revisit your own memories, for insight or for fun, your ticket sits closer than in your pocket, all you need is to turn the music on.