Writing about my life, and sometimes about lives more fantastical than my own. Thank you to anyone taking the time to read!
Telling My World I'm A Lesbian
(1) I was in sixth grade when I first saw two girls kiss on TV. I was watching Pretty Little Liars with my mom, transfixed as Emily and Maya lost control to the click of a photo booth. My mom didn’t look up from her color-by-numbers app, but I was stunned. (2) I noticed that the way I felt when my hand accidentally brushed my best friend’s wasn’t normal. I shared a xylophone with her in band class. She smelled like eucalyptus and her hair was shiny. (3) I went to church with my dad and stepmom the weekend of the Pulse Nightclub shooting. Nearly 50 people had died, and the priest said they were probably in hell. “We’ll pray for them, but they made their choices,” he told a crowd of nodding heads. My stepmom told me I misinterpreted what he said, her haughty tone echoing from the car’s front seat. I couldn’t stop my leg from shaking long enough to protest. (4) I told my friend group that I thought Lucy Hale was pretty. They laughed and told me I wanted attention. (5) My best friend told me that she thought I was pretty during band class. She whispered. (6) I told my dad while we were driving home from seeing Potted Potter in Chicago. He loves corny Broadway shows. We were stuck in traffic because there had been an accident, but once that cleared up it was a quick drive home. (7) Heaven by Troye Sivan convinced me that that priest was full of shit. Laying in my bed at two in the morning with my earbuds blasting, I felt more sure than ever. (8) My mom asked me if I liked girls while Castle on a Hill by Ed Sheeran was playing on the radio. That song was way too overplayed, but it grows on you. (9) I told my grandparents last, sitting at a table, eating waffles for breakfast. My grandma has always made the best waffles, so they’re reliably on the table any morning I stay with her. I burst out with it and their calm, knowing reaction made me cry. (10) Taylor Swift sang “all these people think love’s for show, but I would die for you in secret,” and that’s what I did while I waited for my girlfriend to come out. (11) She finally told her parents after three years of dating and two before that of pining friendship. We were free. We broke up seven months later. (12) Watching Pretty Little Liars again, my mom’s face scrunched up as a teacher-student relationship is further romanticized on screen. A love ballad blasts as the student waits five minutes to follow the teacher to his apartment, looking over her shoulder as she walks through his door. “You can date whoever you want Emma, you can date an alien for all I care, but never let someone treat you like that,” my mother would rant. To hide my smile, I made fun of her for having a “teacher moment” while curled up in sweatpants and eating pizza rolls. (13) I never actually told my stepmom, but she started talking to me about how much she liked Ellen and Kate McKinnon, so I was pretty confident I didn’t have to. (14) What I didn’t tell my mom was that my best friend was my girlfriend. Three years later, when I finally told her that, she stormed into her room and we didn’t speak for two weeks. (15) When I was in preschool, I heard my grandma say the word “lesbian” while we were in the car. I asked what a lesbian was as I reached over the consul to get more M&Ms, and my stepmom uneasily answered “a girl who likes other girls”. “I like all my friends who are girls, I’m a lesbian!” I realized excitedly. The two made faces at each other and laughed; “No, no you’re not” my grandma told me. With that, they closed up the bag of candy, not wanting to spoil our dinner. I tilted my head to look at the blooming trees outside, not pushing the subject any further. (16) I rewatch Pretty Little Liars sometimes, because the coming out never really ends. Your hands still shake and you still notice every reaction. It doesn’t get easier, but the list goes on.