Well, hello there, reader. I'm going to be upfront and tell you, this journal entry isn't for you. There are changes coming in my life, where I don't think I will be able to physically write down my thoughts as easily. A physical journal has weight, mass, and the ability to get lost; while a digital journal can outlast.
I am afraid to talk to boys. I have been conditioned to be afraid of the conversation. The fear that I speak of, is for those men of toxic masculinity. Put me into a gay nightclub setting and I can talk to anyone with no fear, we all feel safe in that kind of a setting. It’s the cute guy who sits across from me, in the cafe, that I am afraid of. I am not afraid of him, I am afraid of what he could say to me if I approached him.
I think my heart is sick… and I don’t mean in the classic term of being “heartsick.” I don’t miss someone, specifically, but the feelings that they used to awaken in me. I miss the feeling, of being connected, understood, and heard. There is a warmth in my heart that is gone since that love has left me. I believe that my heart is sick because it needs love.
Earlier today, on my Facebook feed, there was a meme that was asking it's readers, "What was the dumbest thing you believed in as a kid?" People were posting silly things, like Santa Claus, that sharks were in the deep end of the pool, monsters in the closet... I didn't post a response to that post. I didn't want to bring down the levity of the post, but I was going to say that I believed that my dreams could come true.