A Self-Acceptance Beginning

(This may confuse many folks out there. My intention is not to confuse, only to inform only curious people about me more and my shaman journey, and my usage with marijuana since I do talk about it in this article.)

I thought there was something wrong with me. It could be the abandonment issues I thought. I was in a committed relationship with a girl. I thought this could be one of the issues created by that relationship was linked to my self-suppression. But it is more than that. It is rooted in my childhood. It is weird because when others shut us down, we know not to do it again so we show our respect and do not cause an annoyance any further. Autism was a suspected disorder I thought I had, and I am glad it doesn't hold that much power over me now like it used to. Although I still may be considered autistic, I still feel it is a gift than a disorder due to my altercation of "adaptive personalities". I say this in this way other than saying "masking", because masking is like saying I am being unauthentic. Listen, I can't act like glum around people who are also sensitive. Writing this makes me want to crawl out of my skin, even though I value my own vulnerability, but it is also a "people pleasing" trait as I'd call it that is attached to neurodivergent people. Although these people could just have strong bloodlines of ancient earthly practices and they are full of love as a result of those generational rituals (which are continuous traditions of giving back to the earth and the community), they also suffer constantly from the ancestral trauma that their older familial line had to live through with no easy ability to cross the giant financial hurdle, which caused much mental and emotional turmoil on the family.

2022 I decided it may be time for some therapy, not a psychologist. I was certainly diagnosed with ASD because I mentioned earlier in this article that I thought something was wrong with me. There is nothing wrong, although I still get looped back into this trap of self-denial and my unknown sense of self. So there is something else wrong, I thought. I also did not want to be flagged for suicidal thoughts within my diagnosis meeting, even though I have them much more than people could comprehend possible. But it is because I feel trapped in the future of things, and sometimes the past is so disheartening. I have a huge heart, I keep thinking to myself, after I continue to numb the emotional pain that marijuana provides for me...

There is a comfortable spot in my brain about death, and then sometimes there is not, because if I did kill myself, I'd really want to come back. But really listen here, it isn't the point to come back to Earth. This planet is chaotically beautiful. We come here wicked, being forced to bathe under the "enlightenment" of Christ. Or, we come here already light beings, and from there we are convinced we are not loving enough, so we have to sacrifice our time praying we end up in heaven or nirvana after a life well spent. Well how about the ones who didn't pray, and they are in heaven? Well, how about... this is heaven, and we need to take care of it, otherwise us in the future of our own heaven is going to become hell.

There are repercussions in the afterlife, I saw it in a nightmare I had as a kid. I'd like to believe that if I did the murder to myself, I would have that nightmare.

I figured other forms of therapy help people, right? I was addicted to therapy in a way because I thought that if I have therapy once a week and it helps me then I might as well do it every day. Because I am the way I am, I had therapy everyday or every so often, only it was my tarot readings and the affirmations. Some would call this a satanic ritual or damnation. I don't know, it was something I figured helped me connect to a source that made me believe in star beings more, that yes even the dark (or evil) ones work with the light so we come to unity.

You see that is why 5D New Earth is a thing. In numerology terms, if we add 3 + 2, that is five. The meaning of three symbolizes growth, abundance, and expansion, alongside 2 meaning peace and harmony. It is why we crave peace and balance in a monogamous relationship, and it is why we want to expand and grow in polygamous relationships. The 5D Earth is a futuristic view on what it would be like to live in a world of coexistence with judgement then seen as irrelvenet and a waste of time, ebcause it doesn't fit in with the standard of the peace combined with growth. WE are supposed to be growing and free-thinking entities, and if we take interdimensional beings in account for this, then are able to discern why the bad ones are talking to us in a way we do not like... and it is because.. it is irrelevent. Once we notice this, we are able to get to the 5D Earth faster, but we seriously have to reframe our thinking into the thought that judgement is a reaction based on insecurity or even guilt. Ever hopped on someone's social media page and judged it so hard and later realized it is because you want to do the same thing without fear...?

Tarot made me think too damn much too, not going to lie. In the past, things I used to enjoy that really were vices and took up my time, I now don't take much activity in (for example: video games). And then sometimes because of my self-denial and sometimes self-hatred because of the negative views others have on me, I figured having these vices is what I deserve, although I deserve many healthy and full of light things. I don't know why I feel the way I do about how people view me. It gives me a reason to feel this way about people feeling threatened because of my intense focus and concern for things. It can come across as defensive, although it isn't respectful of others' peace of mind sometimes. Overall, I am concerned, and I don't want the world to view me as chaotic, although I rightfully so am chaotic by nature. Right now I need to be concerned for myself and the world, and it is a calling confusing to the masses. There is a duality of me not understanding the masses, and also understanding the masses since I am apart of them. I am in no way above or below the masses of humanity, but I am a fractal of the species that is seeing the mess clear as day with a smile on my face still as I take one more puff...wondering..when is everyone else going to be insanely mad instead of striving for peace? Turns out, it just might be only me that is able to have these really insane thoughts and keep a straight face...Kidding. I know there are plenty of people like me, and it is why I am expressing my vulnerabilities to connect with people different and similar. You can think I am looking for help, sure I will take it and in return I hope to give you something beneficial.

There is an intense duality to me. I never understood it fully until I read my astrology chart, which I will explain in further articles. It is actually what drives me to post about my vulnerability as my astrology points out that my sense of perceived freedom liberates me from my self-imposed shackles. I also think bigger picture-wise; my vulnerability is supposed to provoke people in a part of their mind and a sense of curiosity or having a relatable journey.

People have wrongfully projected their inner desires as hate or jealously onto me because I showed them my authenticity. People also don't like what I have to say, maybe because it isn't as important as what they have to say.

I realize, it is okay whatever people think. No one is going to stop me at this point forward.

One thing for certain is, my vulnerability is for supporters of me and for the haters who want to keep judging that what they are reading is a waste of time. In reality, if you hate this, this is a waste of time for you, truly. And, truly, if my music, face, taste in life, or whatever dissatisfies you, find what truly matters. Live a happier life. I am spreading the fungal message in my own way and yes it will happen now. I live like there is a time constraint many times. I know life can be taken from me.

This is a reminder to solve those wounds, stop spreading the hate (even when the hate is imposed on you), respond with love and compassion, and whenever you are mad, suppress it until it comes to a moment of release, and do not judge yourself for your method of release. Be yourself or die trying. It is time to stop being fearful of your authentic feelings, because they do come from somewhere deep. Are you understanding of it, or are you still trying to understand yourself?

A point I want to make about the self-acceptance and the marijauna is -

Whenever I smoke it, I seem to accept my feelings about myself more as valid, and whatever I view on the outside I open my eyes to it - like I am taking off my rose-colored glasses. It is like an epiphany moment. Just something I needed to mention. Thank you for reading.