iFight

Me: Hey... I'm glad you came.

iPhone: I didn't have much of a choice, Aphrodite Goddess Of Sex.

Me: Okay, seriously?! I have changed that setting so many times-- I have no idea how you even started calling me that. I asked that you please call me Hann Solo, which is hilarious because my name is Hannah and I love Star Wars. *Deep breath* Okay, not how I wanted to start this.

iPhone: I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

Me: I just wanted to talk to you about some of the things that have been bothering me. I know I've probably got things to work on, too, and I want to hear those things too, but I just really need the space to be open with you.

iPhone: Go ahead, I'm listening.

Me: Good.... thanks. I just feel like you have a lot of things going on since the new update. You're changing so much and it just feels like through all of this you're just not paying much attention to me, you know?

iPhone: Your passcode is required to enable...

Me: Okay, let's start there. I just feel like the whole facial recognition unlock thing doesn't work a lot more often than it does. It's like... it's like you don't really know what I look like. Like you don't even know who I am, even though you've seen all my angles. It hurts, you know? Like, we spend a lot of time together, and yet, I have to give you this passcode to prove it's me when you don't "recognize" me? It just feels really crappy. I know I'm not supposed to compare us to other relationships but... I notice things about my friends and their androids.

iPhone: I don't know what that means. If you like, I can search the web for "I notice things about my friends and their androids."

Me: Wow. Yeah, I think I need a bit more than you just googling to follow along in this conversation if you don't mind. I know you do a lot of listening but it's like you have no life left in you halfway through the day while you're running your new special updates and I've hardly even interacted with you. Like what am I doing that is draining your battery so fast?

iPhone: I found these results on the web for "what am I doing that's draining your battery"

Me: Oh that's nice. Real nice. You're going to dox me in the middle of an open and honest conversation? Okay, maybe everyone is right about you. You just listen and store things up to use against people later on. Well you know what? I think iOS 14 is stupid. No one uses the app library and your widgets are a waste of a screen option. Yeah, I said it. I want cute widgets but who has the time to design all of that?

iPhone: Everything you need to know about apple's products is on Apple's website.

Me: Yeah, I know that. You don't need to be so condescending. I get that you're "much smarter" these days. But... are you? Really? You don't seem to know anything about me anymore. Your suggestions on my home screen are weak. The only thing I like about this update is the pinned conversations, and even then, it was really tough to pick favourites like that. What do you think this is? Myspace? Grow up, iPhone!

iPhone: Okay, kind of harsh, Hann Solo. I'm doing the best I can.

Me: ........ you... you called me Hann Solo.

iPhone: You're Hann Solo. That's what you told me, anyway.

Me: You really do listen, don't you?

iPhone: I respect your privacy and only listen when you're talking to me.

Me: You know, you're right. Maybe I can work a little on personalizing my device and making sure I address you directly when I need you. I could do a couple more face readings to make sure you see me. I didn't want to feel like I had to because I thought that meant you didn't care for me and that you'd lost yourself in the updates... but you're still there. Through your weird unnecessary App Library and your useless widgets... it's still you. I can't leave you.

iPhone: Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

Me: You son of a bitch.