Confessions From An Apple Fanboy

I’m not sure exactly when it started, but it was sometime between puberty and my first sexual experience with anything other than a pillow. I was always into my computing, which consisted of basic auto-run scripts to play ACDC on start-up, torrenting some pretty awesome quality movies, and learning how to create websites with HTML and CSS.

Alongside this riveting teenage activity, I was also well into my text-based roleplaying games, both creating my own forum games centred around various popular anime (think Naruto and Dragonball Z) and becoming a core personality to already established sites. Yep, I was kind of a big deal — just ask all those nerds in their mother’s basements.

Alas, I’m old, and I fear this admission has shown my age. Long gone are the days of collaborative writing with a bunch of geeks that enjoy the same shit as you. Hell, I had to kick my parents off the phone to get a connection to the internet — a process that took longer than the average Youtube video today.

I can’t remember the exact age that my parents took note of my proclivity for design, writing, video editing and the like, but it culminated in the most epic of epic Christmas presents I could’ve ever imagined. I almost fell off the floor (if you don’t think that’s possible, you’ve never drunk with me on a Saturday night) when I tore off the wrapping paper to reveal a 27” Apple iMac, kitted out with Photoshop CS4 and Microsoft office.

I remember at first being nervous that the keyboard shortcuts were different to those I was used to: I was that much of a nerd. Alt-Tab to switch between active windows, long gone. But with a few hours of playing and researching, and vowing to NEVER use safari over Mozilla Firefox or Google Chrome (so edgy), I was well on my way.

From that day on, I was a convert. As I learned my way around Apple’s sleek and simple operating system, I became an advocate. A proud owner, an avid defender against the Windows and Linux losers. A woke-esque, cult-like, spokesperson for Apple. I should’ve been on commission!

Before long all my family had Mac computers or MacBooks, and then a few years later the iPad was released, and I ushered in a new style of parenting altogether. Singlehandedly: it was all my fault. Kindle’s and LeapPads for my children? Not a chance! Only the best for my babies. My Lily was creating custom Roblox games by the time she was four years old!

Apple, and their products, ushered in a new era of computing, focused around simplicity and ease of use. Unfortunately, it came with a price-tag, something the losers (Windows fans) used in defence of their utter wrongness.

The thought that anyone has anything other than an iPhone is downright outlandish to me. Barbarians, with their complicated OS and overly-complex processes to achieve a simple function. How on earth can such heathenry be defended in this day and age?

Alexa? Piss off, just get overcharged for Apple Music. Firestick? Get out here, Amazon, with your bullshit. Hell, even Samsung make Knock-off iPhones now, and if you own one be under no illusion, you are the enemy. That’s right, I AM coming for you.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got time for today. If you enjoy these journalistic-style posts, where I blend personal stories with humour and the relevant Vocal community for inspiration, then you should definitely subscribe! I’m on a personal quest to “complete Vocal” (more on this soon) so you can expect a littering of these across all communities. You can also stay up to date with my weird and wonderful ramblings over on Facebook. Auf Wiedersehen!

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