Why I Write

I write because I can. Those words may come across as somewhat flippant, arrogant even. And yet, there is so much meaning behind those simple words. They mean so much more than might first appear. Please bear with me while I explain.

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In my youth, about fifty years ago, hanging out around town with my teen friends, we often came across the legend 'Kilroy was here' crudely daubed on a wall or steel window shutter. We never knew who Kilroy was or why he or she wanted to write that seemingly worthless message. Our collective reaction to what Kilroy had written was, 'So what?' Now, half a century later, I think I finally get it, maybe.

Everything I write, a poem, short story, a novel, in a way, are all saying 'Ralph Emerson was here'. Whereas the ubiquitous Kilroy was happy to simply leave his or her name, I want to leave a great deal more. I want to bequeath the truth about who and what I really am. And in a way, that is exactly what Kilroy was doing. Kilroy was saying, with a middle finger salute to the world...

"Here I am, an outlier who stands apart from his peers, somebody who does not respect the rules or social norms of what is deemed respectful behavior. And I want to be famous for it."

Two other observations I would like to state are that I have absolutely no doubt that Kilroy was enjoying a dopamine hit in staking his or her claim to fame, and at the same time, Kilroy was committing an act of self-validation. He was saying, "This is who I am."

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Now before anybody jumps in to correct me about who Kilroy was exactly, I already know. I always do my research before spouting off.

'KILROY was here' is graffiti from the Second World War. James Kilroy was the senior shipyard inspector at the US Forces shipping depot at Quincy, Massachusetts, being required to sign for all equipment consigned to ETO (European Theatre Operations).'

However, the Kilroy I am talking about is the guy, or guys, who go around almost everywhere scribbling that legendary message. What these guys are doing is hijacking the message to put it to their own individual use. It became the leitmotif of the streets of the hood where I lived, an urban jungle if ever there was one.

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So, reason number one why I write is, because I can. Like Kilroy, I want to plaster that message everywhere.

Why is that so meaningful to me? Because I spent my entire childhood and teens being told that I couldn't. My peers, my teachers at school, and my first boss at a car repair garage, all wasted no opportunity to put me down. Even later on in my adult life there was no shortage of detractors, mostly people who put me down in order to put themselves up.

Another reason I write is, like the Kilroy of my neighborhood, because it gives me a big hit of Dopamine. I gain an enormous amount of pleasure from the act of writing, especially because, as I said above, it is something I was constantly told I could not do.

Also, it is an act of self-validation. Where no validation was forthcoming from sources outside of myself, I had to create my own. Obviously, times have moved on and nowadays I get lots of validation from other quarters, not least of all from other writers on Vocal Media and Medium who leave highly complimentary comments at the end of my stories and poems. I appreciate that very much.

I write because it is a cathartic release of far too long repressed emotions. Catharsis is accompanied by cognitive insight and positive change. And since I started to write authentic accounts of my troubled past, I have enjoyed enormous relief from getting everything out in the open.

It is also a way for me to bequeath the truth of my past, to counter the appalling lies told about me by embittered ex-wives, and their families and friends. However, it is also to leave a legacy of who I really am for the benefit of my four children, in terms of my humanity and creative ability. And of course, a legacy of the truth of what really happened when I had to hide what really happened. I had to protect those children from their mother's selfish, uncaring excesses toward them.

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I could add to those above five reasons for why I write. I do it to fill my so-called retirement hours of the day and to hopefully make a supplementary income.

Equally, I could add I see writing on a daily basis as a means of self-improvement. The more I practice, the better I get. I am also aware that I can perhaps help other writers on the same journey.

Perhaps I also write because these days, after a lifetime of writing, I do not know how not to. It has become like breathing, as natural as inhaling the fresh morning air on a beautiful Spring day.

If I had to distill all of the above reasons into one phrase, it would be I write because it gives so much meaning and joy to my life.