Until It's Exhausting

As I take on the daring challenge of quitting my job to pursue a career in writing and music, I can't help but feel like everything has changed with my passion.

For clarity: I love what I do, and will continue to love my creative efforts for as long as I live. Yet why do I feel an added bit of pressure when I write my stories? A slight weight on my shoulders that wasn't there before when I go on stage and sing my songs? 

Maybe it's the now added stress of perfecting my craft so well that I can continue to make a living off of it. Or perhaps it's the extra eyes being put on me from all directions that are waiting for a slip up; the friends, family, past coworkers that only see this as a hopeless obsession that will fall a part, causing me to return to my 9–5.

The thing is: I don't really have a reason to feel this constant worry. I have only been writing professionally for about three months now, both freelance and novel writing about some of my favorite topics in the world. Of all the random work I've picked up, the highlight so far has been writing articles about Old School RuneScape to various gaming sites; I can only think about myself back in 3rd grade, about how much I loved that game and how I wish I could have a career around it.

Personally I think my music still has a way to go, but people who are experts at what they do don't get there without failing a couple times along the way. Even with some failure, little compares to the fulfillment I get when I finish a song that has been on my mind for months. Being able to have a sound, a vision inside your head turned into reality is something special. Some people call this "manifesting". I just refer to it as an afternoon in my life where I don't have to worry about the rest of the world for more than an hour.

From a realistic view point my finances are fine. Sure, my income is nowhere near the previous six-figure salary I receive from my eight years of experience in the Information Technology field, but it's enough to keep afloat for now. Most of my IT certifications still don't expire for another year or two, and it's not like my experience is just "drained" from my head like I forgot everything. I was confident in what I did, and I'm sure I could easily find a job elsewhere in the same line of work.

Even than, why do I still feel worried about everything? Do I have an actual reason to feel this oncoming dread or maybe it's my depression getting the better of me? Nowadays I can't help but question why I would leave a nearly perfect job to pursue a silly dream, but I think the answer is what I described this as before: an obsession.

An obsession to do the impossible and me content with myself. An obsession with the creative arts and being able to express to the world how I feel. That's the only real reason I can think of why I would continue to write until it's exhausting into the late hours of the night, and why I would practice my music talent for 5–6 hours nonstop, only to practice for another two before bed in a single day.

That's really no other way to explain it.

~~~

Writer’s Endnote

Thank you for taking the time to read this!

If you enjoyed it, consider checking out my artist profile on my LinkTree!

Thank You For Your Time,

-Kadence <3