Time Capsule

Dive deep into its essence, the emotions it evoked, and the message it conveyed. Then, contrast it with your present-day style and perspective. How have you evolved as a writer? How have your themes, voice, or viewpoints transformed over the years?

From Memory

This is surprisingly hard for me to go back to review.

Hard to the point that I began looking for all other possible options. How about delving into the psychology of the first story I ever wrote in primary school. But was that the Skeletons Next Door (which was a really cool-for-primary-5 illustrated book that someone in my class stole!) or the retelling of the Pied Piper that I wrote for some unknown reason in Olde English?! Both were around the same time. Neither are here.

So that’s out of the question.

And so, I am of course forced to instead question why I find myself in a state of such potent resistance.

Darn.

Is it because of the days it took me to write this story? Because of how excited I was about it? Because of the lengths I went to to make it historically possible? The hours and hours of research looking for the right historical characters who were alive in the same time period and could have crossed paths to serve the story I had in mind? Or was it because I genuinely believed it was good enough to place in the competition and yet it didn’t?

I had wanted it to be so much more than just a fictional story. I wanted it to be clever. And it really was. But I guess what I truly wanted deep down is what we all come here wanting; for others to see and appreciate our efforts.

But they didn’t.

It wasn’t read by a soul and it most certainly didn’t place in the competition. Even my friend (who had heard my overwhelm of excitement when I told him about this story) and had said please send it to me I’d love to read it, didn’t.

And that hurt.

Which is (of course) what hurt most of all. If he hadn’t asked me to send it, there would have been no expectation there. But he did. And there was. He made me believe my story was worthy of his time and then showed me that it actually wasn’t. Or of course he did read it, thought it was crap, and then just pretended I hadn’t sent it to avoid telling me that. That fear gripped my heart quite tightly, because, back then, I really cared what he thought. I valued his opinion. Apparently more than my own.

In writing this I found my answer.

Perhaps this is why it’s so hard to return to my story. It’s so hard because I relate it to the memory of losing that person from my life. Not because of the story! I feel I should make that clear. He had been creating a very constant pattern of breaking such promises over a period of many, many months and I had started to question whether he was doing so deliberately. It certainly felt deliberate.

I buried all of that perceived rejection from Vocal and strangers and my friend, and instead focussed my attentions to the next challenge. My Little Black NoteBook story. The one for Moleskine. I decided that perhaps my Bitcoin one has been too lengthy and had tried to be too clever. So this time I wrote something more emotive. I thought it a great story. I put a lot of love into it.

It also sat neglected.

All of that disappointment hit me hard. Far harder than it should have. Which is what I now remember when I look at this story title. Both of them actually. I remember disappointment and pain. I remember thinking I’m just not good enough. I have never read back either story since out of fear of confirming that thought.

It’s taken me days just to get this far in reviewing it, and I still haven’t reread it yet! One day for the title. Another to start this section writing. A couple of days of avoidance. And here I am now. Heart spilled. Ready for another tea break. Thinking I should put the link here for you to read and then return tomorrow to read it myself.

Yes.

Good call, Kayleigh.

Tomorrow is better.

I am thankful for the challenge prompt, Vocal, in spite of my strong apprehension to do this! I have learned enough to know that when I feel this level of internal resistance, there is a reason that needs my attention. I need to move towards it with compassion and curiosity. Not run away or hide from it. And this is why I’m choosing to participate in this challenge.

After the Re-Read

Today is Friday 29th of September.

I tried to go back to reread. I’m sure I even started. Then I declare to myself I really don’t have to enter this challenge. Clearly I didn’t want to, so why was I pushing myself?

I was trying to see the positive… but I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t feel good and I didn’t enjoy returning to the feeling of that time in my life. So. I didn’t.

This has been in my drafts ever since.