SOS Suddenly Disabled: My Epilepsy Journal Pt.1

PLEASE SHARE. This is an emergency SOS. FAMILY IN NEED, NO STATE, COUNTY, PRIVATE, or PUBLIC SECTOR WILL HELP. LIHEAP won’t open till October 2. SHUT OFF NOTICE September 8th!

I must put my pride and dignity on the back burner for this one D, and let you in on another very private, very sad, very defeating detail of my life. Do you know why I feel comfort modeling? It’s my truth. The truth that I control. The expression of my soul that is unadulterated, untainted by society, or circumstances, unspoiled by the past, ultimately present.

What I’m about to tell you is the naked truth that no one should have to see. The truth that I should be able to work out, earn on my own, and struggle for on my own like I always have been able to. I’m in a position where I don’t have a choice now. I’m completely exposed here before you now, because my choice was taken away.

I don’t even know where to begin. I received a shut off notice from AMEREN for the 8th. TWO DAYS from now. I was in the hospital when my daughter’s medical payment arrangement for Ameren came due.

Much of that week was a blur. I remember the pain of having to lay in a hospital bed 4 days, 3 nights not allowed to move without help. An IV in my skimpy veins burning, someone coming I to my room after every meal to draw more blood from already tapped out, blown out, bruised arms and hands. I was trapped in my own hell and I didn’t know why. Trapped under crushing guilt that my mother and my family had to witness such a grotesque scene, one that I couldn’t stomach if it were my own kids. Guilt for putting my mom and my family through more sh*t after a lifetime of struggle. Always needing but never having enough of anything. Now, look what I’m putting them thru.

I still don’t know why. Or how. Sh*t happens…for some reason, I used to believe.

I had a seizure, my first unprovoked seizure. No warning, no symptoms, no medical or environmental reason why. I had a severe head injury from the fall. I can’t remember anything. I’m lucky. I could’ve easily died having swan dived into asphalt. I lost so much blood I’m anemic. The Edwardsville Fire Department had tossed spray off the parking lot where I fell outside the children’s museum. I remember hearing someone call my name. I remember seeing the cars next to me with blood splattered hubcaps and doors. I remember being told to keep putting pressure on my head. I also remember not quite understanding what was being said, but I heard it. My eyes were open, but I have only few visual memories.

Now, I can’t remember big chunks of my life and my short-term memory is suffering.

I came home yesterday to a letter saying we have 2 days to find $1800, or at least $400 for a down payment, to prevent shut off.

Illinois Referral Line, warm neighbors, cool friends, Urban League, Catholic charities, riverbend ministries… calling and talking to every “supervisor” at Ameren for several hours for them to tell me I’m screwed. EVERY CALL I MAKE results in another referral to the same numbers, the same people that pass me around in circles to tell me the same tale, “YOU DONT MEET OUR GUIDELINES. THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN.” I hope to God there’s a class action lawsuit on the horizon.

None of our government programs have anything available for people who suddenly become disabled, unable to labor, lift, walk up a staircase, or shower by themselves, who can’t drive, but are required to fill out paperwork applications. People with children, who also have health issues DO NOT HAVE OPTIONS.

IF I made moderate income, $4100 monthly, i would qualify for help today thru local community development programs. IF I WAS A PREGNANT TEEN, I’d qualify for assistance. IF I WAS AN ILLEGAL ALIEN, I would qualify for assistance.

If only they could defer the payment, prevent shut off for 1 MONTH, I would be fine…but they can’t do THAT?! A utility service that should be free, a NATURAL RESOURCE that should be free for everyone in the 1st place!

I’m unable to drive to fill out applications. There is no backup plan or emergency funding. I’ve called every number in Madison County and Illinois. My doctor and my daughter’s doctor have sent faxes, made phone calls, but they’re disregarded. Their opinion doesn’t matter, I’m told. There’s no help for single parents, for disabled, not NOW when we most need it.

Funny, ironic maybe, if I made $4100 a month I would qualify for assistance. What is wrong with this country? I’m a veteran. I’m a Native American (not on tribal lands). I’m a widowed mother of 2. One of my kids has a disability, severe asthma, who can’t go without power.

I can’t get in my car and drive off, not only because some entitled pig stalker tampered with my car and I have no working vehicle, but that I would be putting lives of other families at risk by illegally, immorally getting behind the wheel and driving to fill out these applications for assistance that wouldn’t prevent the shut off.

If it meant saving my own family, helping my own kids, I would get behind that f***ing wheel.

So, I need a jump…or a good faith SHARE. PLEASE. Thank you for reading. Blessings to you and yours. I pray no other family has to endure injustice like this, tho, I know many are. I’m praying for you, too.