Just Another Monday

Monday

It was a gloomy Monday morning, as my alarm woke me from my sleep. Snooze. I laid there with my eyes shut for about 2 minutes before I found the motivation to lift my heavy and tired eye lids. Hearing the faint Montreal traffic and honking, breaking me from my peaceful dream that I am desperately trying to stay in. My only true way to escape, well my healthiest way to escape. Time to face another day in the jungle with about 3 hours of sleep in my system, not like it's anything new to me. Another night spent awake staring outside my window at the stars, wishing I could be abducted from this corrupt planet. Since early in my childhood, I always felt like I was different, like I didn't belong here... Like I was from another planet. Some days, I am really convinced that I am. Other days, all I want is to feel "normal", whatever "normal" is. It's funny though, the days I feel the most "normal" are usually the days that I feel like I don't belong. I guess it's because that is when I truly see the reality of the chaos we have chosen and accepted to live in. We are living in this invisible mental and emotional war that our subconscious has learned to normalize. We now think to ourselves "C'est la vie!". But, is it? Really? Is this what we have to live for? Have we become so brainwashed and obsessed with ourselves that we forgot to find the true meaning to a happy life? We are living in a pandemic of narcissistic ways and it is only getting worse. I mean... the most narcissistic person I have ever known was elected President of The United States Of America. Need I say more? As an empath myself, I feel like I am truly living in a wasteland of sharks, trying to make with through while staying true to myself all at the same time.

My alarm went off again, which means I've been zoned out for ten minutes now, still in bed, losing myself in my mental rants. Snooze. Sometimes it feels like I'm Elliot from that show "Mister Robot". I mean, not that it's a bad thing, if I could hack the government and set us free from this broken system than I would. But yeah, I'm only a sound engineer, so that's that.

I've always been sensitive to people's energies and emotions. I've been told I was an empath many times before but never really took the time to actually inform myself on this. Now that I have, I've been a lot more observant to what is going on around me, in the most neutral way possible. Family, friends, partners, teachers, strangers and myself. How people react, how they move, how they treat each other. I observe the energies and emotions I am feeling whilst being with other people or in a public space. I observe the vocabulary people chose whilst expressing their thoughts and emotions. How they bounce back from hard moments, how they overcome life's challenges. That is when I realized that the reason why this epidemic of narcissists is happening, is because almost everybody is suffering to the point we are all living in "fight or flight" mode on a daily basis. This world is scary, we are faced with challenges and threats everyday. We are constantly trying to protect ourselves from any painful triggers, failures, struggles or rejections. Judgement, violence and discrimination has been so normalized that we humans have learned to lead our lives with fear, anger and power instead of love, empathy and understanding. We are all trying to find our place, to fit in somewhere on the chart of success and being acknowledged or important. We hurt ourselves and each other just to obtain the illusion of what we think we want. But this is impacting our generation in a negative way...it is creating the fear of making ourselves vulnerable and exposing who we truly are. It has become a form of anxiety for us, which is truly sad if you really think about it. Bullying and shaming has made us walk around with these different masks we put on for different people in our lives, afraid to be who we are. The internet and social media has only made us create more masks to carry around with us. Anyone can hide behind a screen and project their pain onto someone else. But now this vicious circle is growing more & more and everyday, hundreds & thousands & millions of people are living with the damage that this has caused. How did we even get here?

Oops, there goes another ten minutes, I guess I better get up and start the day. But before anything, I need my 3 cups of black coffee, my wake n bake doobie and my lo-fi music in the background. This is my morning remedy for starting my day off right and not losing my shit. Especially when your job is to put on a smile, serve food and belittle yourself to make your clients feel grandiose and important. I was never one to settle for a job just for the salary or the value and importance it gave me, last thing I want is to dread waking up every morning and hating my life. I am a dreamer, an optimistic... I mean I have my days where I just wanna say "F*CK EVERYTHING" but then marijane comes to my rescue and helps me deviate these thoughts & outbursts of mine. But yeah, here I am, working ridiculous hours, working the worst job possible for an empath and feeling pissed off about what this world has become. I graduated college in Sound Engineering, got myself in a 20k debt for my education and now I am a waitressing, struggling to pay back my debt. Not where I pictured myself at 26 years old, but this goes to show how broken the system is. Nevertheless, I do not regret my decision for my education.

Three cups of coffee downed.

One small doobie smoked.

Out the door I go into the abyss of chaos.

Happy Monday.