Jagged thoughts

I stare at my reflection in the mirror and I hate what stares back…today is one of those days and no, it’s not a normal bad hair day, it’s more like a cloud hanging over my head…I shut my eyes tightly in a poor attempt to keep the voices in my head still even for a moment…

I’m trying so hard to reconstruct those mental walls to keep them out but I don’t have the energy and they’re aware…it’s why they’ve cornered me like a pack of hungry wolves that just set eyes on their prey ready to tear me apart. I have to get through classes today tho so I hurriedly dress up and head out hoping that if I stay around my friends I’d be able to shake it off.

I blinked several times as I heard the snap of fingers in my face, apparently I’d zoned out. I feel sick to my bones, my friends have worried looks on their faces and I know I’m the cause of it, I guess it’s cause I’m a talkative and it’s weird seeing me so quiet.I look away from them and pull the rubber band on my wrist so it smacks my skin, a habit I developed cause I read somewhere it helps calm the mind and as my skin reddens and tingles from the pain, all I can focus on is the stinging sensation and how it’s helped to quiet the voices but I know better, it’s only a matter of time till their back so I excuse myself from the classroom.

My best friend follows me out and he can tell I’m on the verge of breaking down,it’s all too much and the next minute I’m bawling my eyes out in his arms when he asks me if I’m alright, the simple question being the last straw and my own undoing…he’s surprised but he holds me through it anyway whispering that its going to be okay.

It’s in that moment I wonder how life would be if things had gone differently….If I’d have fought a little harder, If I didn’t embrace the silence…

Would I be this messed up??

On those days the voices in my head roar at me,ripping me piece by piece leaving me bare…

What if those voices stilled??

Would I grab onto the hands continuously reaching out to help me??

What if I didn’t let the thoughts win??

Would I be better??

I’m tired of feeling like I’m alone when I’m really not

I keep myself busy, working till my bones beg for reprieve, and as I lay down and the exhaustion takes over, lulling me into dreamless slumber..the voices hound me from my sleep as they get louder, their words as brutal as ever, punishing me for keeping them at bay….robbing me of the only peace I know.

But what if I was given a box of everything I’d ever lost and was asked to pick one thing?

I’d flip the box over to get a better look of it’s contents,frantic to get a hold of the one thing I ever lost that mattered…

Desperate to quell the voices…desperate for peace other than mind numbing silence…desperate to be anywhere else other than my head…

I’d grab onto myself…I’d grab onto that happier version of me for somewhere along the line I lost her…

You see it’s my birthday tomorrow and I absolutely hate my birthday because it reminds of how little I’ve achieved in the past year and how much of a disappointment and failure I am. As I looked up at my best friend I didn’t know how to tell him how utterly ugly I am inside, how everyday I go to sleep wishing I wouldn’t wake up…how I wish it’ll all end but he looked at me like he understood how I felt and told me it was going to be okay and maybe it will.