Inspire More. Perspire Less

Today I stared listlessly at the notification spat out from my phone. Only a few hours remaining to enter the #200 challenge. Ohh they have new challenges for the year already I thought completely forgetting that January continued to proceed despite the feeling of chronological stasis In my mind. My level of delusion not having grown to the point of affecting time and space outside of my perception yet, but it’s a new year perhaps I’ll get there and finally create an extra day on the weekend to relax by warping time and space with naught but the primordial pressure of my ego and self-assurance.

Anyway on the topic of an obviously dangerously fragile ego I considered the challenge. Maybe I shall vomit out some diatribe about my goals and resolutions, after all I had mentally set writing goals this year. Told myself and others I’m going to become a writer, a legit writer. Publish a bunch of works and take the world by storm!

Then my cat sneezed and the euphoria of daydream left me and I went back to eating the overly ranch splattered pile of cucumbers, lettuce, and coleslaw I was passing off as a salad. But the momentary thought managed to get a couple of the tiny cogwheels and spindles in my brain going with enough juice to motivate me to spend a small chunk of time to toss out a bit of honesty and possibly a unorthodox but genuine sentiment about my plans for Vocal.

Vocal for me has been a positive force, I really enjoy it, but more than the platform itself it’s been the people. The community is fantastic, and I do not say that lightly as I am a firm believer in most Internet communities being cesspools. It’s allowed me a first step into a community of writers which is a daunting prospect, but it's turned out to be an incredibly nurturing environment full of great people. I truly enjoy reading others works, and giving honest feedback. So here’s a cynical honest blurt of my goals on Vocal this year.

I’d say I’m going to give it my all and write everyday, enter every challenge, and strive to publish publish publish! Sounds super motivational and I can say it a million times but it won’t make it any more true. That would make me a liar and counterproductive to my goal this year which is to become a more genuine writer on Vocal. I can convince myself I will do everything possible to thrive but I know me, I actually have a terrifying understanding of how I work and I’m not going to give this my all as uninspiring as that sounds. I haven’t really put in true effort or given my all into anything in my life and I don’t see this being the point where that pulls a 180. I’m going to half-ass this I know I will, hell half-ass is a pretty optimistic estimate, quarter-ass more likely, maybe three-eights or one of the uglier fractions the imperial system is so fond of If I have enough coffee available.

This year on Vocal would potentially play out like this. I start off by telling myself I’m going to go in swinging and enter every challenge and write everyday because that’s what real writers do. I’ll start churning out words and content expanding my range, entering every challenge and compulsively checking the notifications. It goes great at first as I spread into new genres and my skills as a writer expand. I start following more and others follow me, I nab a top story here and there and the feeling becomes addictive, as I feel the warmth of value surge through me.

Watching the views increase feeding that little dopamine drip in the back of my skull, as I begin to chase the dragon daily. Skin itchy when I miss a challenge or don’t get a new subscriber day after day. Bruxism abounds as I wait for the digital high of another few views, but the diminishing return set in and I need more. Writing on that which interests me fades and I instead turn to that which is popular or topical, chasing the trends and mechanically producing story after story.

Until one day when I’m writing my laptop battery dies and I see my own reflection in the dimmed screen. My hair unkempt and my eyes lined dark as tar, by crescents of a gibbous moon and I, for the first time in a long time see the hollow-eyed creature staring back at me. A somber moment of sobriety hits me. What have I become? The phone to my left vibrates as I get a notification. Another subscriber, victory. I smile or I think I smile but notice the indentation around my jaw is the wrong type of arc. This used to bring me joy, where did my smile go? When did my passion become a metric of math. I weep gently, while taking an instinctual drink of the cold coffee guaranteed to give me atrocious heartburn. Rehab begins now, as I go silent on Vocal for a month while coming to terms with the fact all writing is subjective and views are a vanity metric that don’t make me a better writer. Eventually I return and scour the articles I felt didn’t properly express me as a writer, apologize for my absence and start life a new intent of being true to myself and readers.

So instead of going through all that, it not being a particularly interesting character arc (also me being somewhat lazy) I’ve decided to be honest with myself and save some time, effort and self-pity. Skipping to the part where I don’t care about chasing numbers or making popular content and am all the happier for it.

My goal for Vocal in 2024 is to avoid that mire and just be the most genuine version of me I can be with my writing. I’m going to write what I want because I like writing without concern for accolades or an audience. I’m going to write out of passion for people like me, and continue being a truthful writer (if there can be such a thing for all writers of fiction are liars in a sense). My writing is unusual and not for everybody but it is those traits that I am told inspire and make it what it is. My goals on Vocal and writing in general is to be less censored and defeat the idea of perfectionism in general.

I’m not aiming to win challenges, If I do that is rad but I’m not going to worry about it. I’ve had a couple of top stories in the past year, and a runner-up which were all incredibly shocking and heartening as none of them I wrote with any type of intent of success. It’s always just been entertainment for myself and others. My writing goals for 2024 are to amuse and confuse and if accolades shall reign upon me for it all the better, maybe I will finally not feel like a fraud.

Last year was great on Vocal, it helped me get over my fear of posting anything online as I received unexpected praise and support but as is tradition that simply translates to imposter syndrome as everyone reading this knows to be true. The fact that feeling occurred I took to mean I was and am in fact a writer for whatever that means. It’s not a term I cling to, just one of the many descriptors that can be slapped upon a person.

My goal in the community is different but quite simple. Every time that little bell pops up with a notification that Addison M has birthed another literary abomination, or allowed some mental drizzle in the form of a comment to slither its way onto Vocal I want an honest emotional reaction. I wish to inspire and become a known entity.

Like an overstimulated puppy, I want the reader to pee a little. Not enough to be gross or uncomfortable; just enough to prove there was an immediate unstoppable emotional response to my writing. Now if that little tinkle is from excitement or fear that's less important to me. I’d be happy with either, as long as it’s inciting emotion and inspiring.

Omg Yes! I cannot wait to see what he’s created!

Or

Dear god, what literary crime on a keyboard has he wrought now?

Both of those are utterly delightful responses.

That being said, I shall try to become a more active member of the community, as it's full of people. Wonderful people, and actual people. Not a bunch of brands or people in the odd chrysalis phase between a person and a product. You can be both but it’s a balance and as long as Vocal has people I will continue to support them and the platform. Should it slump into brand spam territory I shall pull the classic vermin on a sinking ship maneuver,but such is life.

The platform has led me to be a better writer so far. The people I follow had inadvertently led me to discover poetry which is not something I would ever have done on my own. This year I shall continue to dabble in it, as the eternal pretender feeling out of place in the space of poems. I can admit now I sort of like poetry which is not something I would have ever imagined years ago.

I’ll be taking my occasional emotional detritus, pickup up a dictionary and bescumbering my feelings through it with enough force to see what smattering of words comes out the other side to be dusted off and labeled as poetry.

So I shall continue to dabble in poetry in the coming year, primarily when I’m feeling emotionally volatile and need an excuse to be vaguely vulnerable online in a flowery passive aggressive manner.

I’d like to say I am going to expand my genres and try other forms of writing like romance or non-fiction,or reviews but chances are slim. I’d like to make some grand gesture about writing some proper novel or academic paper, but once again that would be a fabrication. That ain’t the type of matron fornicator I am. I have no desire to write properly or chase popularity. I'm going to keep doing what I do, just do it more often and more effectively.

I’m not going to be careless with my writing but I am going to care less about it. My goal is to keep on writing and not lose my passion in the process. I plan to write more overall but it won’t always be on Vocal.

I have a multitude of different projects going that require more than just writing and most of them aren’t suited for Vocals format unfortunately so no the journey as it goes moments to be shared but I shall still make time for the occasional mental deluge in the form of a story or two. I try and read a couple of stories a day and will continue to keep that up whenever possible.

My aspiration is to produce writing to act as a muse while being a positive influence in the community and increasing my writing skills. That sounded like a bad line from a CV but it's honest so I’ll permit it to remain. Being genuine and all that.

So I’ll keep leaving honest comments, and never paying lip service. Write as often as I feel is true instead of worrying about word counts and deadlines. Obsess on personal satisfaction with my work instead of visibility.

I’ll summarize this overlong post as such.

• Write more
• Write weirder
• Write genuine
• Write better
• Be kinder
• Care less

I wish you all the best of luck with your aspirations and goals for 2024, whatever they may be.

Cheers,

Addison