Earnesta's Will

Lord I am trying to make it through. Lord I am trying to overcome. My soul is weary. And my soul is in need of rest. O Savior I need thee I pray for thee. And the choir sung over and over Lord Lord Lord I've been through Lord Lord Lord I've been through Lord Lord Lord I've been through. I never heard that song before on the radio. It made me feel happy so much I wipe a tear from my eye. It reminded me of the songs they used to sang in Momma's church. Momma used to love repeating those songs when she was stressed. Momma would sang so pretty and loud that people outside could hear her. Even when she washed the clothes, she would be humming in the fields. Sometimes I missed Momma so much I would go by our old house and remember. I better hurry up get to church because you know church doesn't wait for you. And I love praise and worship and Pastor Clay's preaching. I usually am good at getting ready but it just lately I have been feeling it. Going through a divorce, loveless marriage ending. And not yet ready to give up. Like stormy weather, I am frightened at public confrontation. Even though I am not ashamed because it was not me but the relationship was just turning for the worst. I can't keep feeling this way. I can't keep letting these emotions get to me. Sometimes I would have to walk in the rain just to relieve my stress. Sometimes I would run in the rain. Something I used to do as a child because it was fun. And I like laughing and playing. Momma said I was a curious and adventurous child. Yeah whatever happened to that, being fun and adventurous. Hebert just was too strict and he cling too much. I need space. I need independence. I need a life. Anyways I am dressed and on my way to church. I can't seem to get that song out of my head. Momma said when you are hurting He knows. There will be times of depression, times of anguish, times of stress. When you need a word, that's when it time to go to church. You gotta know when to be preach to and when to preach and when to teach and when to listen. Many people don't feel preaching. Many people don't feel like listening I guess. Many people don't think about God or ignores His existence. But I was raised better. Momma would put me in my place if I ever thought that. Lord knows, wait don't rain now. I am praying Father in Heaven I love rain but no storm. And you said we have dominion and power. Give me dominion and power right now to tell that storm not to come. I never liked storms ever since I was a child. I remember the thunder, the lightning, wind, and the damage. I could not play even in the house. I had to stay quiet. I was soooo afraid about being struck. My heart stood still as I clutch my favorite stuffed French Bull Dog doll. I called him Puddles. Puddles would help me to sleep at night and on time. I love Puddles because he kept me safe. I would not cry with Puddles. However I somehow lost him. Oh good it did not rain but I am running late. I got passed everyone to get a good seat. Good they are still doing praise and worship and singing We are Healed. The lead sing twice He was wounded for our transgression, He was bruised for our iniquities, the chastisement of our peace was upon him. With his stripes we are healed. And the choir joined Augusta the lead who was classical trained repeating for the third time. But something happened to me as a social worker I never thought I needed the help. Helping all those people for 20 years on the job and i could not save my 20 years marriage. Telling everybody it's okay and not feeling okay. Was I living in vain? Was I a liar? Was I living a life of lies? So worryingly I walked out of the sanctuary covering my tears into the women's bathroom and I chose a stall. I heard to church friends talking. You know Teresha you should not go around spreading gossip and rumors. It is not becoming. You know you will reap what you sow. As they both were fixing their looks in the large mirror. The other said So what you are suppose to speak the truth. And they both stood quiet oddly. I did not want to break the conversation or be questioned by them so I stood in the stall. Merea you should mind your business. The truth will come out. Teresha the truth belongs to God not to you and you will reap what you sow. Why do you want to hurt her so bad? Why do you want to be so ugly? Put yourself in her shoes. I just could not stay any longer plus Pastor Clay might be speaking. So I got out quickly washed my hands in the third sink and quietly left. And the two women were shocked and offended. And as I was walking in the sanctuary, Pastor Clay was speaking. You say I am hurting. You say I am offended. You say Lord why? But do you really want the answer. Do you really want to know why. God is trying to get through to you in a loving way. He is trying to tell you something that you need to know. God is trying to change your life, change your direction, change your position in life. Though you live, you strive. Though you seem okay, you faint. Though you struggle, you close yourself. God is trying to get through to you. God is trying to speak to you. He wants you to know that hurt is not life. Offense is not life. Struggling is not life. He wants you to live. For God so loved the world that He gave His only Begotten Son that whomsoever believe in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. If you need healing from the past come to the altar. If you need healing of abuse, come to the altar. If you need healing of hurt, come to the altar. The altar is here for you to meet God. the altar is here for you come to God. The altar is here for you to humble yourself and seek His face. Amen. And the church was in an uproar and many people came to the altar even I. As the choir sang Is your all on the altar of sacrifice? Is it laid? Does your heart let the Spirit take control? You can only be blessed and have peace and perfect rest when your all on the altar is laid. And Pastor Clay prayed on me and I fell into the arms of the ushers. I blackout and had a dream just a light and hearing this voice of God saying Is your all? Do you give up everything to me? Forgive as I have forgiven you. And the storm of your life shall subside. And I woke up covered by a sheet from the usher. And I told the minister what I saw and hear. And the minister prayed on me and encourage me. They gave me the church number to call for guidance. And as I went home I was singing that song on the radio and I had to pull over and say to God I will do what you will. I give up my will for yours. And a driver came to see if I was okay, it was my brother Peter and he told me about Momma. After talking for sometime, he gave me some Fried Fish Dinner that he just brought saying that he had extra dinners. I told him about Hebert. And he asked me if I love him. And I tried to ignore but my brother Peter is persistent. And I said yes I do loved him. Peter said God can fixed it Earnesta. Do God's Will. Ask God if you should go back to him. Tell God you will do whatever He says. Then Peter left to see Momma. i tried to fix my makeup and prayed. i felt better. I felt alright. My marriage needs God. I need God. I feel healed in my right mind and I feel like my storm has passed by Jesus' stripes. And whatever happens happens. I will let that man know that I love him. And I will leave it in God's hands.