Beautiful Betrayal

When you realize your ideas of your own identities are not fully formed, merely faintly developed buds that first expose themselves to the perils of public life.

It’s not okay to give yourself to one person and allow them to have unwarranted, unrequested control over the way you look at things and the decisions you make about your own life.

It’s not fair to either of you, really.

In the stillness of the summer night, we lay awake under that tree, and we held onto our dreams.

We held on to what we wanted from each other.

We held on to a warm body—a warm, loving, and welcoming body.

A safety blanket in an uncertain, cold, and grating world.

We had a unified dream.

We dreamed of our seed, the one we planted in each other that day.

We barely knew each other, and we already saw our future together.

It was beautiful, and I still longed for that night under those stars.

That everlasting pretense of intense affection and dedication, emotion, and now an obsession.

But don’t you see?

It’s all just a beautiful betrayal.

Just another fleeting, self-defeating memory.

Just another chance at simplicity, gone because complexity is the driving force of creativity and beating naivety.

Remember the night I told you never to turn your back on me, and I told you I would not turn my back on you?

I said, my love, don’t you do it to me because we're too good to forget.

But to my chagrin, you did forget.

You're still in my heart, and I miss you so much, but maybe it’s for the best.

I do love you; don’t you see how much it kills me to let you go?

But my life is taking a back seat to our love, and it keeps me up at night.

I’m sick of it.

I’m sick of being alone.

I’m sick of crying for you.

I’m sick of the petty games and the selfish, childish ways you choose.

I’m sick of trying to understand why you left me here.

I need someone to accept my endlessly flawed personality.

I need someone I can accept.

I need not be changed to fit another's image of myself.

I am my own, different, I know, and your narrow-minded vision does not include me or my world.

I am complicated and flawed but still beautiful like everyone else.

We are all beautiful in our own ways, even with the ugliness of pain.

There may be comfort in simplicity, but it is not for me, and it won’t ever be.

There are more layers to me that I don’t want to be peeled off for my true self to be revealed.

I would feel a bit too exposed and not as composed as I’d like to be, and despite this, I still wanted to reveal myself to you in time.

My love, my sweet immersion, I must let you go, but I know deep down I cannot.

I have waited and waited in hopes of seeing you again, and I will always wait.

Even though it’s been months now, and you have yet to come back for me.

Even though you might not come back for me.

Even though you might never come back for me.

I will wait for you.