22

11:50

10 minutes left to understand the meaning of what 21 was for me.

I accomplished so much in a span of 364 days, and yet, nothing at all.

Sitting in this red office chair that continues to sink down every time I keep raising it up.

I feel the scratches of the arm rest, like someone carved a new life from it and the broken chair is all that remained.

11:51

There's so much to say in just 9 minutes.

I could've done my hair a bit better, made sure every inch was straight as possible.

I could've put on a different outfit. Or just anything nicer than my PJs.

I could've just not taken Labor Day to work all day and spent the entire day figuring out what to do to celebrate my day of birth.

Instead, I was unlocking bathroom doors, talking to people who clearly had no idea of the war going on inside my head, and getting yelled at left and right by people who forgot that I am a person too.

11:52

Maybe that's the omen.

Maybe that's the reminder that life is meaningless until its counterpart takes hold.

Maybe that's why I took Labor Day.

Knowing that my day is just another one in the month.

That's not fair.

Can't I be happy too?

11:53

Stop. It's fine!

7 minutes left, make them count.

Film something.

Say something.

DO SOMETHING!

Why am I stuck?

BREATHE!

11:54

Wasting time like I wasted my 21st year of life.

STOP IT!

Just focus on the good that happened!

You met some amazing people!

You traveled!

You did all the things you thought you couldn't!

...so why aren't you happy?

Why aren't you excited to celebrate another year?

11:55

11:56

11:57

I sit in the office alone wondering if anyone remembers what the day is in 3 minutes.

I'm up because I have to be.

I wonder if anyone is up because they want to be.

For me.

11:58

I try hitting record on my phone multiple times to get the video just right but keep deleting it.

11:59

One more try...

12:00

I wait to see the flow of messages of a happy birthday appear.

12:01

12:02

12:03

12:04

12:05

I suddenly recalled why I hate my birthday.

It's a reminder of how much I care for others and would do absolutely anything for,

...but that's never the case for me.

I shut the recording off.

12:06

12:07

12:08

I sink down into the lifeless chair.

"We're the same you and I", I say to the chair.

"We're both mistreated, unwanted, and a potential life was taken from us."

12:09

12:10

TING

I scrambled to sit up in the chair to get to my phone and see one message.

"Happy Birthday!!"

That one message made the ache disappear.

To someone, I matter as much as they matter to me.

I hope they know I appreciate them beyond words.

I didn't get any other messages until later in the night and in the morning when I didn't want to open my eyes.

And maybe it's unfair to have the expectation that someone would do something for me in the same ways I have done for them.

...actions are more important to me than the words themselves.

Just knowing that I was worthy enough, would have been enough.

In my 22nd year of life,

I vow to put myself in the spotlight of my own life.

I am trying my best and I guess that is all anyone can ask for.

Happy Birthday to me.

22, Day 0.