When Rhinos Attack

My dream vacation is to take an extended safari in Africa. I'm talking crazily colored birds flying around my head while a silverback gorilla forages for food in the bushes nearby. I want a once-in-a-lifetime, in your face African experience.

I've read amazing accounts of people staying in the famed Giraffe Hotel, having wild elephants trample through their camp, and viewing a myriad of animals that can only be seen watering themselves in the African landscape.

One of the strangest things I've come across is the way to survive aggressive attacks from these animals. If, by chance, you come across a rhinoceros on the African plains, it turns out that you can dodge the animal with a single sidestep. Rhinos are large and cumbersome; unable to make tight corners or swift maneuvers.

In my head, I'm picturing a bullfight. Stand calmly while it charges you before sidestepping at the last moment.

WHAT?!

Who can stand calmly while you're being run down by a freakin' rhino?

Anyway, stand calmly, sidestep, and then use your precious time while it stops to turn around to get to safety, or repeat as necessary.

Okay. So, I'm sidestepping my rhino until I get to a stunted tree to climb to get out of the way. As it turns out, there's a cheetah hanging out in the branches. The best way to get away from a cheetah is to make eye contact and back away slowly...

Should I do this before or after running from the rhino? Which one is more likely to kill me? Do they even live in the same area?

What if I run into the jungle to escape the cheetah and the rhino and come across a family of gorillas? My research states that if a silverback stands and beats its chest at me, I should act submissive and groom myself.

If I'm curled into the fetal position licking my arm, will the rhino and cheetah ignore me? Or eat me faster?

Maybe it's a better idea to stay with the giraffes. The only problem is the predators that eat them: hyenas and lions. Both will often go after wounded, weak, or newborn giraffes. In case you are attacked by a hyena that mistakes you for a baby giraffe, the best defense is to make yourself appear larger (ie. swinging your arms around your head) while making noise. If the hyena still comes after you, kick and punch its head.

Again, WHAT??!!

Yeah. I'm going to be so calm that I can kick and punch the head of a freakin' hyena. Okay.

Anyway, as long as you can escape the hyena, lions are typically the only animals that will attempt to take down a full-grown giraffe. If for some reason the lion thinks you're with the adult giraffes, the best way to survive is to stand your ground, make yourself appear larger (remember the arm swing trick?) and to make noise.

If you've never seen any movie involving African animals, I especially recommend avoiding watering holes. Water is so scarce in the African savannah that many species of animals call a truce and get their water from the same area. It's all fine and dandy on television to watch birds, crocodiles, prey, and predators sip from the same pond, but I'm telling you, if you throw a human into the mix, you're asking for trouble.

In short, Africa is full of animals that will f**k you up. Keep a guide on how to survive animal attacks if you can't keep all of the above straight. When in doubt, appear larger than you are in the fetal position while sidestepping. That should cover it.