I wasn't sure how I became so depressed and self-destructive. I remember wanting so badly to be content with myself. But, no matter what I did I couldn't be. Not on my own. I believe now, that we are born with challenges that we must face to grow and learn about the beauty of love, or God. I didn't know this then the first time I cried for his help, his sovereignty.I was crying because I was lost, lost inside my mind where I've laid or relied on my entire life.
My childhood I remember being very imaginative. A daydreamer of life. But not only did I daydream about life, I was always scared to live it. I can't say why. I just was. I grew up going to church, a quiet child. Often, I still am. I'd rather play inside my head. I can also admit I'm one to feel things so deeply they affect my every action. So, a deep thinker and deep feeler is who I am. And was born to be. I felt different because of it. Different from my friends, family, and everyone. I hate myself for it, I can admit it. Constantly searching for a place to fit in.
So, when I self-destructed for these reasons, there was only one place to go. This god they talk about, I thought how do I know he's real. So, I prayed. I prayed so deeply that I called upon his name. No miracle happened to me. But, instead a deep shadow, darkness came for me.
I was gone from my family for years. And I went back to them because something became terribly wrong. My parents searched, prayed and fought for me to come out of this darkness. I wish I can say god gave me a better attitude or a feeling of happiness when I begged for it. Instead, he gave me darkness? I questioned it for a long, long time. Points of wanting to give up. I didn't understand what he was doing to me. Or perhaps, I was just a hopeless cause.
As, I'm sitting hear and I read the word of God. I once believed I was being punished, possessed, or just not not good enough for this life. Instead, I feel him know me and what I needed. One, I needed to get out of the place I was in. Two, I needed my family. Three, he knows that without going deep into a state of darkness I would never have tried even harder to get even more closer to him. So, I pray this truth is now seen. For once I was lost and now with him I feel found. Don't get me wrong I have so many questions and concerns. But, it took me long to feel his grace and be content with it. So, I understand it may be hard to believe. Every journey is different. I hope you feel his grace, it's there.
About the Creator
Cerina Galvan
I’m an active writer who dreams of writing tales that inspire people.
Enjoyed the story? Support the Creator.
Subscribe for free to receive all their stories in your feed. You could also pledge your support or give them a one-off tip, letting them know you appreciate their work.
Comments
There are no comments for this story
Be the first to respond and start the conversation.