Mars: Now Open for Vacations

The COVID pandemic has caused problems with foreign travel on our home planet; now’s the perfect time to consider the Red Planet for your next getaway.

NASA, the Chinese and the United Arab Emirates all provide trips to Mars. Their passengers are currently robots but there’s no reason not to add a few humans to the manifest. No one has yet worked out how to get back; I’m sure they’ll figure this out very soon.

​The advantages of a Martian holiday

The benefits of taking your next break on Mars are manyfold:

Mars is COVID free. There’s no need for vaccinations, quarantine or PCR anti-body tests. There’s absolutely no risk of contracting coronavirus there. In fact there are no diseases at all, it must be the most healthy place in the entire Solar System. You won’t even need an FFP2 facemask. OK, you will need a full space suit with oxygen pack, but these things are always a trade off.

No need for visas. No officious border and passport controls to navigate when you arrive on Mars. You won’t get a nice stamp in your passport to show off though — you won’t actually need a passport.

No duty-free limit. You can take in as much alcohol and as many cigarettes as you can carry. It’s probably a good idea to stuff your suitcases with these items as there are no shops there. Or bars. Or anything.

Summers are six Earth months long. Temperatures can reach a balmy 20C/70F on the equator in the afternoons so pack your sunglasses and factor 15. Nights can get a tad nippy, -73C/-100F, so don’t forget the hat and scarf. I suggest you avoid winters; they’re also six Earth months long and get down to -125C/-195F. Pack a good set of thermals and a hot water bottle if you go offseason.

No hayfever problems. There’s no nasty pollen floating around in the air to make your summer break miserable with those streaming eyes and runny noses. That’s because there are no plants. No life at all. No oxygen. You can’t have everything.

​How to get there

ourney times from Earth can be up to 300 days. This might sound a lot but think of it like a cruise. Instead of being surrounded by nothing but water for days on end you’ll be surrounded by nothing at all. Pretty much the same then.

You shouldn’t dwell on recent newspaper reports that 50% of all vessels sent to Mars crash-land into the surface at 10,000 miles per hour. You know what the press are like, they always focus on the negatives. They never say 50% of all trips end successfully, do they. Glass half empty, that’s journalists for you.

​What to see

Olympus Mons

The Olympus Mons volcano is three times higher than Mount Everest. Unlike Everest, you won’t need the hassle of having to put on breathing apparatus halfway up. Conveniently, you’ll already have it on.

Astronomers think the volcano might be active. But they don’t really know so it might also be dormant. Be positive. Glass half full, remember?

The Valles Marineres Canyon

This canyon is 2,500 miles long and almost as wide as the entire United States. It makes the Grand Canyon look like a small drainage ditch. And they don’t sell cheap tourist trinkets at the top either.

Hellas Planitia

For a small planet, it’s got a lot of big things. Hellas Planitia is the largest known impact crater in the entire Solar System.

The crater is 50% wider than the Mediterranean sea, north to south. And there’s no risk of drowning because there’s no water.

​Reserve your spot now

Don’t delay. Book your place now for the holiday season.

There’s so much to see and do on the Red Planet: there are plains with rocks, mountains with rocks and deserts with rocks. There are also lots of boulders and stones and everything is a dull shade of red.

A relaxing holiday is guaranteed for every tourist although a chilled glass of wine on a hotel balcony might be out of the question.

(This story first appeared on Medium.com)