Getting Over the Fear of Going

Imagine, the moment has arrived. You’ve finally packed up the car, left the job you couldn’t stand and are about to begin an adventure that has been years in the making. It's about to happen, the key is in the ignition, but suddenly- you’re stunned with fear. The question “What the hell am I doing?” reverberates through your mind, and it paralyzes you. On September 15, 2022, that moment came for me.

I was leaving New Mexico, a place I’ve called home for over a decade, to road trip across the country to New York and then fly to Europe. In typical adventure fashion the first day didn’t begin as I had imagined, for one, I was embarrassingly hungover.

The night before had been spent playing Dungeons and Dragons with some of my closest friends, and yes, we did finally defeat our campaign's main enemy, Strahd, the dreaded vampire king, but the battle had taken us long into the night. So there I was hungover, waking up on my friends couch two hours after I had initially planned on starting my drive. The sky that morning was painfully beautiful, fat yellow clouds hung in the air, and the East Mountain towering over Albuquerque was glowing indigo and gold. I buckled into my little blue Toyota Matrix and I couldn’t tell if I was dizzy from the night before or just delirious with excitement and anxiety. Planning this had consumed my private life for most of the past year. So many things go into a trip like this from passports, savings, packing and mapping. I took a deep breath. Was I really ready?

Furthermore, who am I? My name is Emmy (like the award yes), I’m 24 years old, I love to write, and I have been desperate to see the world for as long as I can remember. I’ve worked consistently since I was 16, saving up and living as small as possible, all in the hopes of having enough money to travel as I pleased for a decent amount of time. This adventure is not one of luxury. I don’t come from money, I had no means of supporting myself with online work, I had - not so- simply saved up enough to at last go where I wanted. Even though exploring the world has been a huge dream of mine, the thought of not having my nose pressed to the grindstone abruptly frightened me as I started my car. Was I making a mistake? I thought about those endless nights waiting tables, scrubbing floors, and being yelled at by crabby wealthy people when their food took too long to come out. Was this trip really what I wanted to spend such a big chunk of all that effort on? Was this change really what I wanted? I looked to my hazel-eyed partner, the biggest supporter of my dream. I remembered when he was someone I had taken a chance on. After making the terrifying decision to escape an extremely abusive relationship, it was difficult to trust someone intimately again. But now he was strapped into the seat next to me. He smiled at the road ahead, a childish ecstatic smile, and I felt my doubts recede. I was reminded that some decisions that have scared me the most have also allowed me to flower.

Life is short, and chaotic; but for once, I had a solid plan and the opportunity to put it in motion. It can be daunting to leave behind a stable routine or people you care about, but as I drove under the “You Are Now Leaving New Mexico” sign, standing firmly in the desert sand, I knew that the people I love, the East Mountains, even the angry dinner guests, would all still be there to come back to. Yes the fear of going can hold you back, but allow yourself to feel it. Take space to recognize why you might be afraid. Recognize that feeling, then let it go by trusting yourself, and the planning you’ve done. There is so much pressure to live in a rat race, to work your youth away, but it is OK to not choose that path. It is OK to prioritize what you actually want out of life. When you honor what you really want it allows you to live in the world you'd like to see yourself in; and that world is worth the tough decisions it takes getting there- I promise.