Awkward in Australia

There was only one instance when I didn’t feel awkward in Australia. When completing the Declaration Form on our arriving plane, I listed everything, down to the chewing gum in my purse. After seeing my long list, passengers around me snickered: “You don’t have to declare every single thing!” But, I had the last laugh when in the customs line... After glancing down my lengthy list, the man in charge looked up, smiled at me, and said: “I can tell you’re an honest person. You can go on in. Welcome to Australia!” Feeling vindicated, I grinned at my fellow-passengers in the long line and gave them a little wave goodbye; as they were having to open up their luggage for examination. Little did I know that would be the last time I felt like I fit in with the locals, my entire stay. There’s a reason the nickname for Australia is “Oz”. It doesn’t take long to realize: “We’re not in Kansas, anymore!” I was totally blindsided by the culture shock! To be honest, I didn’t expect life there to be much different from life in the USA. But, boy, it sure was!

-You might get eaten: I had never worried about getting “eaten” before—until we moved to Australia! I loved the cute critters, like the Koalas (they are NOT bears, by the way, so don’t call them a Koala Bear, or you’ll get corrected). But, the big spiders that were the stuff of nightmares and wild emus that would chase you—yikes! There were lots of reports that made me afraid to get in the ocean; such as the guy who sold “Shark Repellent”—who ironically got eaten by a shark. When I went to the Great Barrier Reef, I opted for the glass-bottom boat view rather than scuba diving, after we had to sign a release recognizing that if this one type of jellyfish in the area stings us, we’re dead in two minutes—and we were 2-1/2 hours from shore! Don’t even get me started on the Tasmanian Devil, which looks like a big rat—but much more vicious.

-Get your arm in the boat: But the creature I was most scared of were the enormous saltwater crocodiles. I shouldn’t have watched the news about the veteran who got eaten checking his crab pots; or “Grannie Dundee”—the heroine who jumped on a croc who had grabbed her grandchild; or especially about the little boy who had been eaten—on the very same Crocodile Safari we later went on! The guide told us he warned the parents they shouldn’t have brought their little dog along because if he got away, the crocs would gobble him up. Welp, he got away. But, when their little boy ran after the dog (before the parents could stop him), the crocs ignored the dog and gobbled up the little boy, instead! During our boat ride down the river, I had my arm hanging over the side of the boat. When the guide spied it, he yelled at me: “Get your arm in the boat! This is not a theme-park ride… The crocs will shoot straight up out of the river and bite your arm clean off!” You can betcha I not only complied, I moved to the interior of the boat, where I felt safer. A Mate (friend) I made there had a close call when on a fishing trip. By the time they came back to shore, it was dark and the tide had gone out, so their boat was breached further from their campsite on shore, than they had intended. They discussed: “Are we safer spending the night in our boat, or making a run for it?” Since crocs could quickly rip them right out of the boat, they decided to run for shore. He told me: “If you’ve ever wondered if people really can walk on water, I can tell you it’s possible, for we were running so fast, I don’t think we touched the ground!” The next morning when they retrieved their boat, they saw saltwater croc tracks all around it.

-Bird encounters of the third kind: I had a hard time getting rid of the notion that I was in a theme-park, rather than in the wild. Once, I was with a group of people tossing pieces of meat (leftover from a cookout) high up in the air to a Kite (bird of prey), which would amazingly swoop down and grab it, mid-air. However, whenever I attempted a toss, the Kite grabbed it—but quickly dropped it, rejecting it rather than gobbling it up. Finally, an Aussie laughed at me, saying: “You’ve gotta use red meat or fish, not chicken… That Kite’s not a cannibal, Mate!” In our flat (apartment) I was awakened one morning by a very loud sound—I feared a dog had been caught in a trap or something. It turned out to be a parrot in a palm tree outside my bedroom window. When we were on vacation, wild cockatoos would fly right up to us on the little patio outside our hotel room. We loved all the birds we had never seen outside of a zoo; but the locals thought of them as pests. The one that they thought was most obnoxious (which we adored), was the Kookaburra; which had the wildest laugh. You had no need for an alarm clock, with the Kookaburra to wake you up in the morning! There are Magpies and Plovers which dive-bombed us if we got too near their nests; but what scared me the most were the demonic crows which would try to pluck out the eyes of newborn lambs!

-Serve him tea before the plumber fixes your toilet: Before the USA became a country, we drank tea just like Great Britain and all it’s Commonwealth citizens still do. The first time I had to have a repairman at my flat (apartment); when I started to lead the plumber into the loo (restroom), he looked offended, and protested: “But, usually we have tea first!” Later, I asked a Mate (friend) if that was so, and they looked shocked that I would even ask: “Well of course you should hospitality whenever ANYONE comes to your home!” So, I was glad that I did—and it was rather pleasant hearing each other’s story before he started his work. (It turned out that forty years ago, he had arrived on the pier right outside my Port Melbourne flat, when he immigrated to Australia from Hungary.) After I lived there for awhile, I noticed just how hospitable Australians were… I learned not to eat first before I went to anybody’s home, because you would be sure to be offered lots of biscuits (cookies) ad tea. Once, I made the mistake of voicing my admiration for their electric teapot. They asked: “Well, how do YOU make tea?” They were aghast when I said I heat up cups of water in the microwave. The lady of the house immediately unplugged her teapot, dumped out the water, and handed it to me, insisting I take it. When I kept objecting, my Mate whispered to me: “Take it, you’re offending her!” I eventually learned the importance of using tea leafs and how to strain them out prior to pouring; as well as how crucial it is to pour in the milk BEFORE you pour in the tea. I forgot to mention that whether you’re drinking tea or coffee, you’ll be asked: “White or black?” This indicates whether you want milk in it or not. I came to love High Tea at 4:00 p.m., a daily fancy occasion where you were served delicious scones with clotted cream, little sandwiches, and other goodies. The only problem is that they also call supper: “Tea" in Australia; so when I was invited to come over for Tea, I never did understand how I was supposed to know if they meant they’d be serving just tea or if they were inviting me over for a meal?

-Be careful what you say—it might be profanity: I embarrassed myself on a tram once before a big game, by asking a Mate (friend): “Get up off your fanny and let’s root for such-and-such team!” An audible gasp came from everyone around me. How was I to know that both “fanny” and “root” are pretty graphic profanities? Interestingly, in the USA we don’t consider other Australian curse-words, such as the often-used “bloody this or bloody that”, to be cussing. It took some time for me to get used to what Australians were saying to me… Even though we were both speaking English, I discovered there were several varieties of English… USA version, Aussie version—with a lot of slang, British version—which is more posh, New Zealand version, Ireland version… There are as many different ways to speak the English language as there are countries who speak English! To pass the time on a 2-1/2 hour boat ride out to the Great Barrier Reef, two young Honeymooners amused themselves by trying to teach me how to speak their “Shire (village) Talk”, which consisted of a lot of fun slang. The Australians struggled to say my name, “Karla”. Most couldn’t pronounce it, so I was forever known as “Cawlin”. I had never heard the Aussie women’s name: “Fiona" anywhere before but in “Shrek”. Likewise, I had never heard: “Ashley” used for a man’s name before, except in “Gone With the Wind”.

-Aww, you got me good—again: I never knew when Aussie’s were being serious or teasing. With all the kangaroos, I wondered if it was a problem hitting them with your car, like we hit deer in the USA. An Aussie told me: “Yeah, Mate. But if you hit a Sheila (female), you’ve got to check it’s pouch for a Joey, so you can take it to the Vet and save it. It’s the law.” Alarmed, I asked: “But, how do I protect myself from an big, injured Mama kangaroo?” Very seriously, he answered: “Just get yourself a cricket bat and keep it in your bonnet (hood of your car). Then, if you hit a kangaroo, just give it a good bash on the head to put it out of it’s suffering, Mate!” The crowd that had gathered around to listen to our conversation quieted to watch my face… As soon as they observed a look of horror come across it, they all burst out laughing at me. Yep, I fell for jokes at my expense constantly during my stay Down Under.

-Melting Pot: In the cities, it surprised me that most people I met in Australia are from other countries. It’s a melting pot with diversity that must be similar to what the USA was like 200 years ago. I think I met people there from every imaginable country in the world (except Mexico). I especially enjoyed meeting Maori from New Zealand, and seeing them perform a fierce Haka (posture dance) to intimidate opposing rugby teams. [The rugby team from New Zealand (called “The All Blacks”) was the favorite sport team of the Aussie’s who became my Mates (friends).] However, I embarrassed myself by screaming the first time I was startled when the Maori’s on that rugby team glared and stuck out their tongues during menacing yells; and the crowd laughed at me.) Trying to intimidate other sports teams prior to a game was something I never experienced before living in Australia. When I asked my Australian Maori Mate why the men greeted each other by touching the bridge of their noses, she explained: “If we share the same breath, we're family.”

-The man from Snowy River: You have to travel to rural areas to meet what many of us think of, as “Aussie’s”—those descended from the convicts who were sent here from Great Britain. (Many of them surprisingly chose hanging in England, rather than being sent to Australia, I learned.) When we were invited to a Sheep Shearing, I was so excited when I saw the Grazier approach wearing his long Drover coat and bush hat. My heart skipped a beat, as I thought to myself: “It’s the man from (the film) Snowy River!” Farms and ranches are much MUCH bigger, in Australia. This guy must have had 10,000 sheep—so many that they rounded them up using helicopters. It was so awesome seeing the sheep dogs in action, too… They are not your typical dogs, these are dogs who love to go to work. How the sheep dogs quickly and efficiently organized those sheep, blew me away! Another surprising thing I stumbled across when visiting the community of Bowen (where the movie “Australia” was filmed), was nude beaches!

-Grocery shopping is strange: The first time I went to the grocery store in Port Melbourne, I couldn’t find a place to park and ended up having to push their buggy (shopping cart) way down the street to my car. Finally, I discovered parking was on the roof of the store! It was funny walking down the aisles and seeing familiar products, but with unusual names; such as Rice Krispies cereal is called “Rice Bubbles”. But, most products I did not recognize—they were new to me. Eggs are not kept in refrigeration, they are on the regular shelves, so I worried if they were fresh; but, everybody told me they whip up better at room temperature. I was constantly embarrassing myself, such as when I asked where the cans of green beans were, and the check-out gal replied: “Why do you need canned green beans when we have fresh ones for sale?” Another time I was searching for a tin of Bay Leaf for a stew, and she laughed: “Why would you want old dried up bay leaves when all you have to do is go outside and pick a fresh leaf off of one of the Bay trees?” Duh. Nobody stocks up on groceries, like I was used to doing back in the USA. Like everybody else, I soon learned to walk to the grocery store for my daily needs, pulling a cart I found (that looked like something you’d put golf clubs in) to carry my groceries home.

-You’re on the wrong side of the road: Why, oh WHY don’t all countries drive on the same side of the road? It would be a lot safer for everybody; but, I guess that would make too much sense for the world’s governments. I was required (by husband’s employer) to take a week of driving lessons after moving to Australia. I hate to admit it, but I needed it! I couldn’t get the hang of why you had to go clear in the left-hand lane in order to turn right in downtown Melbourne, due to the tram tracks. Finally, my instructor took me out into the rural Dandenong’s (a low mountain range), to keep his blood pressure down. At the end, when I asked him if I was the worse driver he’d ever taught, he said: “No… Once a had a Sheila (woman) from a Middle Eastern country who said they don’t have to obey traffic signs where she was from. At least you stop at the stop signs.” So, I guess I have that going for me.

-Ridiculing people from USA: I knew I was in trouble when I noticed a recurring clip on a TV show about: “Stupid People from the USA”. They would interview random visitors from the USA off the street… It was embarrassing to hear them give totally wrong answers to easy questions, such as: “Who won the Vietnam War?” As I yelled back at them through the television set, I vowed to never be so dumb—at least not in public. But, the very next day, when a new acquaintance asked me what country I was from and I answered: “America”; they inquired: “So, are you from Brazil? Canada? Mexico? Which America are you talking about?” That was the first time I realized how arrogant those of us from the USA can seem, the way we assume WE are the only Americans; forgetting that Central Americans, South Americans, and Canadians also live in American continents. (Speaking of television shows, at first it was like going back in time, watching shows that were popular in the 70’s, such as “The Six Million-Dollar Man”. But, soon I discovered some Australian-made shows. My favorite was “Blue Heelers”, a show about constables (police) that was named after an Australian cattle dog (Blue Heeler) that was in the opening theme song.)

Eating Experiences:

-No Nachos: In Melbourne, you can find restaurants with excellent food from just about any country you can imagine—except you will be hard-pressed to find any Mexican food—they don’t border Mexico, after all. (I hadn't realized there existed a people on Earth who have never experienced nachos!) I also missed USA-style BBQ. I know what you're wondering: “But, isn’t Australia famous for their BBQ?” Yes, but I discovered it’s not the typical BBQ I was used to—red meats slathered with BBQ sauce. In Australia, BBQ is a more healthy version—using seafood: “Put another shrimp on the Barbie...” I knew I was in trouble when the BBQ I ordered came wrapped up in a banana leaf, like a fancy gift.

-It’s not on the menu: In the USA, I was so used to asking a restaurant to customize my order. There is no such thing as substituting your order, whether you’re ordering a meal or a coffee. Whenever I tried, I was always told: “That’s not on the menu.”

-No such thing as “doggie bags”: The first time I ate in a fancy restaurant, I asked if they could box up my leftovers so I could take them home. The waiter hid the box under his apron and nervously started shoving it into my purse, saying: “If my boss sees me giving you your leftovers, I could get sacked (fired)!” I discovered that there is no such thing as requesting “doggie bags” in Australia.

-I don’t get the appeal of “Vegemite”: The way I understand it, it’s the sludge leftover after making beer (and you know Aussie’s and their beer). They add some secret ingredients and it’s potently nutritional, Aussie’s claim. (Personally, I think it’s a brilliant marketing idea to devise a food product out of all that beer sludge they were throwing away!) Perhaps I tried to taste too much at a time—it is a condiment, after all. I was told that for many Aussie babies, Vegemite is the first solid food they taste. In fact, if a child is well-behaved to others, they are called a “Happy Little Vegemite”. If you’re familiar with the song: “Land Down Under” by ‘Men At Work’, you probably recall that it mentions a Vegemite Sandwich:

-Spiders, Meat Pies, Eggs, and Fries: In Australia was the first time I ever drank a spider. Don’t freak out… A “Spider” is like a root beer float, only made with something similar to Sprite or a Cream Soda. Meat Pies are also big in Australia. You won’t live there for long before eating a Meat Pie. Oh, and chips (fries) come with EVERYTHING. I found a Kentucky Fried Chicken (yes, sometimes you can find some USA fast food), and even though I ordered potatoes and gravy, I also got fries. Bonus! But, no ketchup. They expect you to eat chips either plain, or with vinegar (of all things).

-No such thing as buffet-style: The first time I invited guests over for a meal, I set everything up serve-yourself buffet-style, and none of my guests knew what to do. “What is this?” one asked me to explain. Aussie’s are totally unfamiliar with buffets! Every meal we were invited to in someone’s home was very fancy-schmancy; and that is the norm. Before I moved back to the USA, these guests got together and gave me an embroidered tablecloth, urging me: “Now, set your table and feed your family!” I went to a Convention and when it was time for lunch, attendees threw a tiny table cloth over their brief cases on which they set out their sack lunch—I kid you not!

At this point, I should clarify... Don’t get me wrong, I love Aussies—you’d be hard-pressed to find a friendlier people. I made some life-long Mates when we lived Down Under, and we still keep in touch from afar. Australia is a beautiful country—I’d go back in a heartbeat, if I could! My favorite excursions when here were seeing the little Fairy Penguins come ashore every night on Phillip’s Island, going to the #1 beach in the world on Whitsunday Island, driving the Great Ocean Road… But, is so much more to see… I wanted to go to an opera at the famous Sydney Opera House, tour Bethel, visit the underground city, Coober Pedy—built for opal mining, see the red crab migration on Christmas Island, see the unusual kangaroos on Kangaroo Island, and of course, visit Uluru (Ayers Rock) in he Outback. I recommend going to Australia. But if you do, be more prepared for the culture shock, than I was. I’m going to list some other culture shocks below; but first I want to share some flight tips for anybody considering flying to Australia.

Flight Tips:

-You know how you can watch the progress of the flight on a monitor? ZOOM IN! Otherwise, you’ll fall asleep for a couple hours and when you wake up to check how far you’ve travelled, it’s so frustrating to see that you’ve only moved one or two freaking dots! (No matter how far you think it takes to get to Australia, it’s further!)

-Under no circumstances should you watch the TV Series “Lost” before you fly (since it starts off from Australia)… I found myself worrying how the plane could fly that far without a pit-stop to gas up!

-Speaking of planes, fly on an Airbus, for the best business class experience. (If at all possible, save up so you can fly business class, because it is not only uncomfortable flying in coach, it’s downright dangerous.) Walk around the plane often, to prevent blood clots. An Airbus has stairs to climb up and down from the upper level for business class passengers, so you can get that circulation going.

-Even if it’s during the day when you leave, if the flight attendant tells you it’s night time in Australia and they dim the overhead lights; try to sleep. It will help you to adjust to the jet lag better. After arrival, stay up as long as you can if it’s daytime there, no matter how tired you get. The quicker you try to adjust to the time zone Down Under, the quicker you’ll get over your jet lag.

Other Culture Shocks:

-Back to the Future: It blows everybody's mind that the date is one day ahead of what it is in the USA. Friends and family members from back in the USA thought it was great fun to call me to joke about it, saying things like: “Hey, we read the world is supposed to end tomorrow, and just wanted to see if you were still there, ha ha!” It was funny at first, but after about the fifth call like that, it got old. (It’s hard to find humor when they’ve woken you up in the middle of the night, because it’s daytime where they are.)

-Pajamas on the plane: My first shock in flying business class on a Quantas Airbus is that the flight attendant handed out a pairs of pajamas and slippers for everyone to change into! I was a little shy thinking about wearing pajamas in front of my fellow-passengers, but after watching well-seasoned travelers line up for the loo (that’s what they call the restroom), I figured I’d go along with the “Pajama Party”—and I’m glad I did! It was so much more comfortable for that long trip than wearing my regular clothes, for what seemed like two days in the air. This is no time to be self-conscious, I learned.

-No ice in your drinks: My second shock was when I ordered a soda pop on the plane, it came with no ice. I assumed the ice-maker on the Airbus was broken. But, once I was in Australia for a while, I discovered NOBODY has ice-makers! If you order a drink in a restaurant, it will come chilled, but without ice. (Don’t take ice for granted, because many countries don’t have it like we do in the USA.)

-There are no middle-of-the-road hotels: In Melbourne, the hotels were either luxurious $500+ per night, or disgusting backpacker hostels—there is nothing in-between, such as something like a Holiday Inn or Hampton Inn. (I had to get used to colored money, too. But, after I returned to the USA, I found it annoying to have to look at the numbers rather than the colors, for the amount.)

-Everything is SO expensive: In fact, whatever amount of money you think you’ll need, save up to take at least three—possibly five times as much! We had to realize that for locals, it doesn’t seem as expensive because salaries are much higher than they are in the USA. But for visitors, immigrants or expats (like me), it is shocking! I remember one day on the beach when an ice cream van (they call them vans, not trucks) sold us an ice cream cone for $3.50, we thought: “FINALLY, we bought something for under $5 bucks!”

-Rich or poor, majority of population live near the ocean: There is no infrastructure in much of the interior of Australia, so most everybody has an ocean view. The majority all live around the perimeter of the country. Our rent for the simple 2-bedroom flat (apartment) we found was $5,000.00 per month! This is common. (A similar flat for sale in our building sold for over a million dollars!) Unfortunately, the Aborigine population have retreated further into the Outback, because the government was still kidnapping their children to try to make them more "white" as recent as 1970. (See the movie: "Rabbit-Proof Fence" for an example of this.)

-Great place to hide a body: If you venture into the interior, bring along extra cans of petrol (gasoline) because you will go miles and miles before you encounter a petrol station. Bring along camping equipment plus food and water, too; because you will need them. The interior is so isolated, locals joke that it’s a great place to hide a body. (At least I hope they are joking!)

-Going to the doctor is different: When I got sick, a man called me back from the waiting room. I assumed he was the nurse, because he took my info and entered it into the computer. But when he started to examine me, I realized the doctors do it all! He explained that the government doesn’t pay to have nurses in the clinics, just in the hospitals. (As an Expat, I had to get my own health insurance from Lloyds of London.) The clinic we went to prescribed a lot of holistic medicines. For instance, my husband was prescribed 10 cherries a day for gout inflammation.

-Holidays are not desired: The only people who decorated their houses for Christmas or other holidays were immigrants from the USA. Most Australians I encountered felt it was stupid to waste money on such things—and got quite angry that the shopkeepers were trying to push them to get on board with holiday spending, by TV commercials that were just starting to air. They’d rather travel than celebrate holidays, since they get 4 to 6 weeks vacation every year. A local explained it to me this way, “You have to realize Australia was settled by convicts. It’s hard to con a con.” (When I came back to the USA, I felt bombarded by all the holiday commercialism. It was a relief to get away from it for awhile, in Australia.)

-Homes are minimalistic because of outdoor activity: I hadn't realized how much clutter I have, until I people invited me into their homes in Australia. They are so minimalistic and orderly—because everybody lives outdoors! I also never felt so out-of-shape… With all the bike-riding, kite-surfing, and other outdoor activities that are part of daily life, Australians are in such better shape than people in the USA. They eat more fresh foods than we do, too. (And they dress nicer—no such thing as t-shirts that look like billboards.)

-Atheists or Jehovah’s Witnesses: Truth be told, the major “religion” in Australia seems to be sports; similar to how, in the USA, it seems to be politics. At first, I assumed older grownups in Australia were atheist because they believed in extreme evolution, but I was wrong. One of them explained to me that an entire generation turned atheist because of horrible child abuse from the Anglican and Catholic churches. (Institutional abuse was almost as bad as what was revealed in Ireland.) However, people still had a spiritual need… It shocked me to learn that even the Pope’s cousin had become one of Jehovah’s Witnesses! (Not the current Pope—the one who eventually resigned.) It surprised me that I encountered so many lovely YOUNG adults in the Melbourne area who had become Jehovah’s Witnesses.

-Who needs decent appliances: One thing I really missed about the USA was the bigger appliances. When I complained about my dishwasher and clothes dryer not working, my Mate (friend) said: “Who uses either of those in Australia, anyway?” Most do dishes by hand, and they hang-dry clothes.

-Weather worries: While most of the time weather is so pleasant, I giggled at people complaining how “cold” winter was while they were in their shorts, picking lemons off the lemon trees in their yards. (They wouldn’t survive freezing temps during blizzards in the midwest of the USA!) But, it seemed like the pleasant weather was always being interrupted by something scary. I thankfully did not experience the awful fires that erupt often during the summers; but we were there when a dam broke in another state, killing many. One morning I woke up to a gloomy day to find out ash from a volcano in South America had floated into the Australian atmosphere, causing all flights to be cancelled. When I was there, many Japanese women and children came to Australia temporarily after the awful tsunami they had, while their husbands stayed behind to help with clean-up. After a horrible earthquake in nearby Christchurch, New Zealand, I feared a tsunami where I lived, in Port Melbourne; but thankfully, we were spared. However, the Australian island state of Tasmania brags of having the cleanest air in the world! Speaking of natural disasters, I almost forgot we stopped into a farm supply store and I couldn’t help noticing posters detailing info about Locust Plagues!

Welp, now that we’ve come to Locust Plagues, I guess it’s time to end this. I wish I could return to Australia. The best part about it, for me, is the laid-back, lovely people. I embrace our differences!