A Big Bad American Road Trip

"Go West, young man, go West and grow up with the country," Horace Greeley said in 1850, and who better than a dead guy to listen to when deciding your holiday plans?

After a long time parked at home in South Carolina, Shelby and I decided to take it upon ourselves to deliver our friend Madeline to pastures new in Salt Lake City. Our friend, Maxx, invited himself along on the trip we had invited ourselves along on. Then, each of our dogs invited themselves along. Thus completing our ragtag crew of scruffy hangers on with itchy feet (one of the dogs had fleas), intent on making hay while the sun still shined.

Greenville, SC to Nashville, TN (6hrs, 360 miles)

Car packed with essential items like a football and a tiny guitar, we hit the road to our first stopover, Music City. Shelby drove, like she would most of the trip, allowing me to work from the front seat with my dongle out.

Nashville, TN to Rogers, AR (8hrs, 550 miles)

We headed northwest after a night in Nashville to the small town of Rogers, Arkansas, where we would be staying with Maxx's family friends in a mansion near a golf course. Our pack of dogs immediately terrified our host's tiny Maltese, so she took us on a quick tour of the house to distract everyone. The tour included an en suite sauna, a gigantic cinema room, and a selection of racist artwork.

Despite Shelby and I sharing our bedroom with a truly spine-chilling selection of Victorian dolls, we slept well and were refreshed for our first excursion – Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art. This incredible art collection is funded by America's second richest woman, serial drink driver and Walmart checkout assistant, Alice Walton. Highlights include Buckminster Fuller Fly's Eye Dome and the Frank Lloyd Wright Bachman-Wilson House. There were also some pictures of nice things, challenging things and upsetting things, too. You know – it was an art gallery.

The next day, we squeezed in a visit to one of the famous Ozark lakes (which are all manmade – you're welcome, Mother Earth) and then it was time to leave Arkansas in the rearview.

Rogers, AR to Sioux Falls, SD (8hrs+, 580 miles)

Sioux Falls. Why didn't you catch her? Established towards the end of the 19th century by land developers hoping to snag a spot before anybody else. The highlight is the bustling Falls Park, where the Big Sioux River cascades over bright red rocks.

Sioux Falls, SD to Hill City, SD (5hrs +, 370 miles)

We took a quick detour to Corn Palace, which proudly claims to be the world's only palace made of corn (even though it's just a normal building with corn crudely stapled to the exterior that sells weird hats and smells odd), before arriving at the first National Park on our trip, Badlands.

Our caravan of cars slalomed down the winding park road through a landscape defined by its history as a vast and rugged ocean. What remains is row upon row of craggy rock and humps protruding from below and stretching as far as the eye can see. I kept expecting to see William Shatner hopping out with a phaser, but he's too busy in space.

In the middle of our first night camping, thunder crackled and lightning struck, accompanied by hailstones the size of grapes. When we clambered out of our soggy situation at first light, we were greeted with a big dent on the car, but not a scratch on the tent – explain that, scientists!

Escaping our sodden belongings, we drove to Custer State Park for the day. While the others set up hammocks among the trees, I decided to go for a wild swim, a hobby I started that very second. I headed out for a jumping rock, where I noticed a man leaping with some skill.

"This isn't your first rodeo," I said under my breath.

"What did you say?"

"Can I have a go? Can you show me the jump rock? If that's alright. Thanks."

He walked away and left me looking down into the water alone.

"Are you coming then?" He said and disappeared through a gap in the rocks. I followed after him, leaving his wife and child staring at us.

"Again, Tim? What the hell?"

I stood next to the man I then knew as Tim and looked down at the water far below.

"Just make sure you clear the rock,"

"Which rock?"

And he leapt out. Splash. Tim emerged from the deep with a big grin on his face. When he was safely back with his family, I ran and jumped into the water. Plop. It was a thrill. Adrenalin pumping, I wiped my eyes to see if my new friend had seen my prowess, but Tim had disappeared. Was he ever really there, or was he just a manifestation of my courage? Hang on, there he was being dragged back to his car by his wife.

I swam back to the rock and climbed up, only to find a nervous looking man in his 40s lingering around.

"Hey, do you know how to..."

"Follow me, kid," I said.

"I'm about ten years older than--"

"Are you coming then?" I disappeared into the rock.

To Be Continued...