You Don't Believe Me

You call me a liar.

I have the taped confessions.

I said, “No.”

He said, “You are too beautiful, and couldn’t help myself.”

“You compiled all of these things against me and love playing the victim”, he says.

In the courtroom, the judge asked me to relive everything for the EPO or the Emergency Protective Order and I didn’t expect that and I froze.

How can I go back to all that and give her what she wants?

I stood there and time kept moving. Nothing comes out of my mouth and I was re-victimized.

Every time I tell my side of the story I am re-victimized. I am not dealt with in compassionate way or thought of as someone who had been through something horrific.

I am pretty much called out to be drama queen starving for attention. I have his confessions of what he did. I cried. I said, “No, that I didn’t want it.”

I have sunk so low from all of this because no one believes me or the proof I have.

I had an attorney tell me that, “If it takes being raped to see your son then just fucking do it!”

I was humiliated and cried over the phone disgusted to what he just told me after I have been asking for help.

I have been told that by law it’s not legally rape it’s called coercion. Since I had to give in against my will for the sake of my child and my visit that it’s my fault. That I should have fought, screamed, clawed and so forth. What about the repercussions to my son?

What about him hearing his mother yelling out to her pleas? To her fighting and begging to stop. Wouldn’t that damage him more?

Women are silenced when they are persecuted and then called so many names and have this, “Get out jail free card” of saying, “I’m the victim. Poor me. Feel bad for me.”

That’s not the case. Why should women be hurt or violated?

Why isn’t “No” enough?

Isn’t it our body?

Don’t we have a say who touches us?

The judge wanted to move the case along so fast and not hear any of the taped confessions. These were allowed in to the case and she wanted to just to get it over with.

My attorney said, “We don’t have to do this.”

I said, “We are fighting and I will be heard.

I told her that she needs to have more sympathy for my case instead of treating me like another client.”

Why won’t the legal system do more for women? Do you know why many rapes aren’t reported? This exact reason. Being wounded all over again. Being tormented all over again and living that nightmare all over.

There was one time I finally got him for harassment but not rape. It was the fourth violation and they said jail time. His attorney dropped him because he wouldn’t listen to him.

I am a woman of faith and I felt that forgiveness was needed for all that happened. For the sake of our son and his future I wouldn’t press for jail. It weighed heavy on me that my decision would impact his life forever. What did I get in return for that? More assaults and more pleas for them to make it stop. I tried forgiveness and it back fired.

There are millions I would say that have gone un reported including mine. I tried but it got me no where. Unless there is physical proof the attorneys can’t win based on a he said, she said. It’s about the wins not about what happened to you physically or mentally.

Women have to stick up for other women and be a voice for the unheard because they just want to muzzle us. It’s like it’s okay for men to get by with doing wrong like a pat on the back saying, “Good boy.”

I won’t ever be quelled. I have a voice and I am a voice for the millions of women out there for many things we sustain. We aren’t alone and if they don’t believe you then I do. I try my best not to bash my sons father or taint his image but what he did to me and has done to me is wrong. It should have never happened. His taped confessions and text messages of guilt proves I’m not crazy but they don’t care.

As a mother protecting her son the decisions I had to make in those cases didn’t make me look like a legit rape victim and that’s fine. I saved my son from hearing his mother cry out, hearing a struggle, a fight or being confused or sad to what is going on. He has always been my focus. I will always protect him but I said, “No and to stop!”

You can judge me and say it’s my fault for getting myself in those situations but the thing is you don’t know what the circumstances were. You have no idea what I went through or why any of that happened but my son was used against me. I tried making him stop. I couldn’t. I have to live with that. I’m in counseling for all of what he has done to me as well as everything else I have been through.

It’s a cruel and savage world out there. We only have each other. People will constantly judge and make presumptions and they are allowed. I don’t need them in my circle. I only need supporters and people who encourage me and build me up. I hope I can help you in knowing that you are allowed to say, “No.” That you don’t have to be silenced. Take the muzzles off women and let’s speak up.

It just takes one voice.