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Who Am I?

The long road to finding out

By EstherPublished 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 5 min read
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Cox's Bay, Auckland

I don't recognise myself at the moment. That's not a bad thing, in fact, it's an amazing thing. I finally got into the police station and had my interview. It took me more than a decade to find the strength. To say it was hard, would be an understatement. Walking to the station seemed to take a lifetime. My insides were churning. I could feel myself going numb and dissociating from everything. I didn't want to do that, not this time. I knew that I had to let myself feel everything if I wanted to be free. I was nervous, which was obvious to the officer doing the interview. However, she, along with the rape counsellor, put me at ease. Every time I've thought about and shared my story, I've expected judgement. Mainly because I have judged and found myself guilty since the day it happened. Neither of these women was there to judge. They made it very clear that they were there for me. Re-living that evening, that moment, made me feel sick. I had to keep going over it, and over it, and over it. Finally, allowing myself to feel it. Only this time, there was no shame. There was no blame, not for me. I was asleep and he made his choices. Nothing I did or didn't say or do matters. Consent was not given, end of story.

Three hours after walking into that police station, I walked out. As I thanked both of these women and walked away, something inside me changed. I wanted to be in nature, so I walked home via the bays. For those not familiar with Auckland, I started in the city at the Viaduct and walked home via the beaches and reserves, ending in Cox's Bay. Where I took my shoes off and let the water lap over my feet as I contemplated my future, I couldn't stop smiling. I honestly think I was glowing, or people just thought I was nuts. Either way, I was happy. It's hard to describe how I've been feeling in the days since the interview. It's as if a huge weight has been lifted from me. I'm not smiling or being happy because I think I should be, but because I feel it within every fibre of my being. My jaw hurts from smiling so much. I could conquer the world right now. I want to keep that feeling. I don't know if it's possible, but I do know I'm going to give it a bloody good go.

For so long, I have existed in this world as a victim. For a brief moment, I was a survivor. I don't recognise either of those labels. They both have connotations that don't feel right to me anymore. I don't want to be either. I want to be me. The exciting part is I get to figure out who that is. It's my life, and I get to be whoever the hell I want to be. If I had to describe myself, I'd say I was strong, kind, funny as fuck, tenacious & passionate with a love of nature and adventure. Am I perfect? Far from it, but I am me. For the first time I can remember, I like who I am. I laugh as I write that, as I never thought I could say it and mean it.

I am not what happened to me. It will always be a part of me, but I refuse to be defined by it. Being a victim or a survivor gives those that hurt me far too much credit. They do not get to take credit for how I live my life and all the amazing things I have built for myself. I do. I get to be proud of walking into that police station and taking my life back. I do want justice for what happened to me, but that's not up to me. I have done everything in my power, and now it's with the police. They can do whatever they need to do, and the law will make the decisions it has to. Hoping for a particular result means I have to give my energy to the process, and I just don't want to. I will answer any questions asked of me, but I will not spend every day hoping and thinking about it. It's out of my hands, and it's with the people who can do something. It's their job to fight for me now.

I will never be able to explain the gratitude I feel towards everyone who will be asked to make a statement and all of the people who have supported me in getting to this place. I have been hurting for a long time and living behind a mask. To those that I have pushed away and hurt, I am genuinely sorry. It was the only way I knew how to feel safe, but that doesn't mean I had a right to hurt you.

It's a crazy feeling, but I finally feel worthy. It's as if life started when I walked out of that station. The darkness lifted, and now I choose to live and love my life every day. I am so excited for whatever life has in store for me. In answer to the question posed in the title, I am Esther, and I am so proud of that.

activism
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About the Creator

Esther

I have a love of writing that started with writing blog posts, which you can find here, https://honestlyesther.com/

I have just completed the first draft of my debut novel.

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