“When I lose the weight, then I’ll take a cute Instagram picture.” “When I lose the wait, I’ll get this dress.” “When I lose the weight, then I’ll make a blog page and take pictures to promote it.” “When I lose the weight, then I’ll go talk to that cute guy I see all the time” “When I lose the weight…”
I think you get the picture.
For most of my life, this was the conversation that I had with myself when deciding on life decisions, talking about my accomplishments, or choosing a reason not to go for something or someone.
I have been relatively successful in my life (not to brag or anything... but I guess if I don’t talk myself up...who tf will?). Instead of focusing on my accomplishments, such as graduating from college, moving to multiple cities to teach, and receiving a promotion at work, I think of all the things and areas in my life that I am “lacking." I’m single, and most of my family/friends are dating someone seriously, or in the works to get married. I’m also considered “overweight," and have been ashamed to actually admit that. Since I focus most of time and energy on the fact that I am single and overweight, I don’t see the positives in my life and focus on the areas that I deem is “lacking.” I continue to put things I want to do to the side, because in my head the conversations I have is, “I’ll be happier when I lose weight.” “I’ll get a boyfriend when I lose the weight.” “I’ll be more confident to take more pictures when I lose the weight.”
It was always a conversation I had in my mind, but never actually admitted it or really sat down with myself long enough to understand the reasons behind it. Prior to starting this blog (and the “in the works” podcast), I’ve thought about this idea of how to get my voice out there and have important conversations. I thought maybe I wanted to become a counselor, since I’ve had such an amazing experience with mine. I’ve actually been talking about starting this blog for almost six months before just starting it.
Self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-love, and learning more about myself are seriously my passions. I love to write, I love talking with new people, and I love getting my story out in my own expressive way. I’m really proud of myself. I’ve pulled myself out of toxic friendships and relationships, put myself in therapy when I knew I needed help, and started finding much healthier ways to express myself. When I thought about what was holding me back from actually sitting down and starting this blog, my thought was “I’d have to post pictures of myself on social media regularly to promote it... and I don’t like looking at pictures of myself. I will start this when I lose the weight.” I heard it, recognized myself thinking that, and kind of had a mental break down in my little apartment. I realized that most of my life, I’ve had this excuse not to do things I want to do because of how I perceive I look, and that my weight had nothing at all to do with starting this project. I started questioning the amount of things I had put to the side or the men I didn’t go talk to because I deemed myself fat—and in my head, fat=bad and unworthy. That night I wrote my first blog post: “The Perfect Body.”
I didn’t post it quite yet but even just having a “URL” page with a piece of my work on it was amazing. I was so proud of myself. For the first time in a really long time, I was proud of myself for finally putting myself out there. From there, I gained more and more confidence in my words, skills, and posts.
I then wanted to start putting a face to the blog, and I started to promote my blog on social media. The only reason I never wanted to was: I hate taking pictures of myself and looking at my stomach in any capacity. That’s when I knew this is now the next “hurdle” in my healing process and body confidence issues that I need to face. I’ve been posting for a few weeks now, and I’m still working on posting for myself, not others, and not worrying about likes or follows. But it gets easier when I keep writing, keep sharing my story, and keep it real with people.