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What I Was Most Afraid Of This Year

“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.” – Audre Lorde

By Emily BoyerPublished 3 years ago 6 min read
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What I Was Most Afraid Of This Year
Photo by Wynand Uys on Unsplash

It wasn't the virus or the police.

I have been afraid to take my stand. During the upheaval that has saturated most of this year, I have often noticed my fears of judgement, fears of saying, writing, or doing the wrong thing. How do I voice my piece? What do I need to say? Is what I write valuable? Who do I quote? What if I say it wrong? I don’t know what to say… What if I’m misunderstood?

I don’t always feel confident that my words will come out in a way that others will relate to, understand, or feel supported by. I care so much about people, but sometimes I feel discouraged by my inner-critic from expressing that care. I wonder if caring is enough. Are my prayers for peace, my cultivation of gratitude, my ways of finding contentment and ease in a world so full of mistrust and anger… are these enough to change the world for the better?

“You must be unintimidated by your own thoughts because if you write with someone looking over your shoulder, you’ll never write.”

― Nikki Giovanni

Mass media’s increased coverage of police brutality in the United States, and the apparently new awareness of systemic racism many white folks are facing or being reminded of, seems to have grasped the zeitgeist by the throat this year. I notice how this has shaken me, made me wonder if the world fueled by greed and hatred can make the changes I so desperately hope for: to heal our relationships with humans, animals, and the Earth.

By Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

I am also aware that my own feelings are privileged, since my perspective as a white person gives me only a limited glimpse of the systems of oppression and misguided personal feelings that have been killing Black people and Indigenous people and trans folx and other people of all sorts of identities. I know my suffering has been minimal compared with that of many who face and have faced the realities and impacts of racism in this country every day, for generations. I recognize how privileged I am that racially-motivated violence and many other forms of systemic oppression are concepts that I reckon with and empathize with, but are not experiences I know personally besides by accounts from other people.

I honor the many organizations and individuals who are fighting for justice at this time, and those throughout history who have been integral in realizing greater peace and justice for all people.

Being white and female has always been my experience, my reality. I can only see the world first-hand from my perspective, my own lens on reality. From here, I learn, acknowledge, and act. I don’t want to let my uncertainty, my insecurity, my fear of being judged for “saying something wrong” keep me from voicing my truth on powerful and relevant topics to address.

“Language and how we use language determines how we act, and how we act then determines our lives and other people’s lives.”

-Ntozake Shange

Publicly, I have been silent. Privately, I have lacked conviction, fearing negative repercussions.

I write now as an act of defiance, as well as acceptance. I defy my fear, refusing to let it induce apathy or complacency. I defy the negative powers that wish to silence those who speak out against their systems - systems which must be changed in order to grow a better, more harmonious world where people, animals, and Nature, all, are treated as precious. And I accept that I have the power to voice my truths, and that they may impact people in unforeseen ways.

By Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash

I feel that a lot needs to change in the world, in our political environments and our institutions. I acknowledge the needs for big changes, and am encouraged by the ripples that are made by dreaming big and building trust in and between communities.

I’ve learned that I can't change the whole world at once, but I can start with myself. I believe that when I change, and invite my friends and colleagues to join me in living harmoniously, that's how the world shifts.

“Unfortunately, most of the time, people get respect by their position not by their nature.”

― Sonal Takalkar

I understand that my position in this society as a young white woman and executive director for a nonprofit gives me greater ease of access to certain resources and forms of capital. I want to use my privileges to help spread those resources to people who will do good with them. And I don’t want to tell them how to do that. I trust that they know what they and their communities need, and I want to support them as well as I can.

I believe in equality, kindness, and sharing, and I want to change the systems of power so that further positive growth will be inevitable.

“Discomfort is always a necessary part of enlightenment.”

― Pearl Cleage

By Ralph Mayhew on Unsplash

I believe in courage and kindness. I will continue to sow seeds of trust, respect, and empathy, and hope that these will grow freely and profusely.

Our small, growing nonprofit is built on these values of trust, respect, accountability, and kindness. We believe in cultivating community to grow a more sustainable and harmonious world. By working with people who are natural leaders in their communities, who desire to do good for their loved ones, their neighbors, and the world, we are able to support their projects. They know what they are doing. We offer what service we can, from money, to time, to connections, and more. In this coming year, I hope we will grow deeper relationships with our project leaders across the U.S. and Latin America, continue to help them manifest success for the common good, as well as develop relationships with more people we are in a keen position to support. I will also strive to cultivate relationships with larger organizations and individuals who wish to support our work and allow us to continue helping these amazing community efforts.

This coming year, I am personally dedicating myself to truth, love, and trust. I desire to come into closer relationship with my personal truths through introspection and connection with others; help grow trust-based relationships between people; and release fear while growing more confident as I tune into truth.

I share this because I believe that vulnerability and transparency cultivate trust, and that doing things that feel scary catalyzes growth. I also believe that people should know the leaders of organizations who hold any amount of power, even if it’s not very much, so that these leaders and the organizations can be held accountable for their words and actions. I would love for you to recognize and share about your own personal truths, too, and grow more confident in your own voice.

Thank you for joining me in this journey to cultivate a more sustainable and harmonious world.

It’s amazing what we can do if we simply refuse to give up.”

― Octavia E. Butler

We’re doing it.

Let's grow our abilities to trust each other by coming together to honor each other's talents and dreams. And by recognizing our mutual impact. (Mutual doesn't necessarily mean equal impact, or same impact.) There is a lot to learn, and a lot of history to heal. But we can't do it alone, nor can we do it separately or with othered groups. In my ideal world, everyone gets to choose their boundaries, and my friends and I stand strong together for hope, healing, trust, kindness, transformation, and peace.

By Kien Do on Unsplash

activism
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About the Creator

Emily Boyer

Lover of life, writer of words, feeler of feelings.

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