Using the Boyfriend Card Goes Against My Feminist Principles — Here’s Why I Use It Anyway

I was eighteen. He was closing on forty. And he couldn’t take no for an answer.

When he saw me waiting tables in a hotel, he decided I was “the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen”. He proceeded to write that on a slip and accompany the scribbling with an invite for dinner. He came over to me, gave me the slip, and went back to his table.

“Cute,” I thought. “He’s too old for me and not my type, but it’s kind of cute.” I went to his table after a while, said I wasn’t interested, thanked him for his gesture and declined the offer, as you do.

Apparently, it wasn’t enough.

As my shift ended an hour later and I was leaving the hotel, he was standing in front of the entrance door. As if he’d been waiting for me.

The moment he saw me, his eyes sparkled and he blurted out, “you’re so beautiful, please come have dinner with me, I’ve never seen someone so beautiful. Just one dinner, please.”

It stopped me in my tracks. I froze in place, completely baffled. Did I not just say I wasn’t interested? He was a foreigner, so maybe he misunderstood?

“I’m not interested,” I repeated clearly. “No, but thank you.”

“But why? Why not?”

“Because I’m not interested.”

“Why not have dinner with me? Just one dinner, I’ll take you out, it will be amazing, please!”

This went on for ten minutes. I kept declining, he kept begging. Until he finally forced my phone number out of me and let me go, puzzled and annoyed.

I don’t know why I even bothered responding to his texts afterward. Maybe I was just too polite and naive — I didn’t yet get to develop my no-bullshit attitude.

In any case, he ended up texting me, “maybe you don’t like me?”

“Yes, I don’t like you,” I replied. I was really frustrated at this point. Do I have to spell it out for him or what?

“You could say that before…”

Are you kidding me?!

Another waitress job, another city, another day.

One of my managers decided it’d be a great idea to ask me about my dating status every day — one uncomfortable question out of many. “What are you doing after your shift?” he’d ask. “Are you having a party? Can I come? Can I come home with you? Why are you single? What’s your type? Do you want to date this guy? What about this guy? What’s the route you take home?”

This went on for months. Asking the management to talk to him made it better only for a little bit.

And he wasn’t the only one. The cooks would tell me in their broken English, “Kate, darling, when you finish? You like dancing? Wanna go dancing with me?”

These men were about forty years old and had wives and children. Yet they thought, “why not hit on this single twenty-year-old who is obviously very uncomfortable?”

The thing is, all these men could be very sweet to me too. They made me special vegan curry, they never raised their voice at me (which is something I can’t say about all my part-time jobs) and they made me feel welcome in a way.

It’s just that I’d prefer not to be hit on whenever I enter the establishment. Not too much to ask, is it?

And then… the questions stopped. Suddenly, I was left alone for the most part.

Why?

Because I found myself a boyfriend. And told them about it.

I once saw a video of a girl saying you shouldn’t use having a boyfriend as an excuse when you decline a man’s offer to date. “If you’re single, why would you lie about it?” she said.

“Being another man’s possession shouldn’t be the sole reason a man leaves you be. Your decision not to date them is the main thing here. Say you’re not interested. Own it.”

So I did. I never used the boyfriend card when I was single, I always tried to express my refusal in a polite manner, and I ended up being frustrated and completely puzzled.

I was polite, and yet I had to literally spell out “I don’t like you” for a forty-year-old stranger to leave me alone. I was honest about my relationship status at work, and I ended up having to deal with uncomfortable questions and remarks on a daily basis.

It seems many men still don’t get it.

They think that if you’re not somebody else’s girlfriend, you can still be chased. You’re still in the game. Even if you’ve declined them thousand times over.

The complete lack of awareness, dignity and respect is honestly mind-blowing.

We have a long way to go before many men finally learn that no means no. When I say no, I’m not playing some dumb mind games with you — I’m being honest about my intentions.

In the meantime, though, it’s not your sole responsibility as a woman to change the world. You don’t always have to stick to your feminist principles if there’s an easier route to take.

I’m convinced the guy in the hotel would have left me alone straight away if I said I had a boyfriend. Would it be a lie? Yes. Would it go against my feminist beliefs? In a way, yes. Would it be the easy way out? Definitely.

Would it get me rid of a stranger who I honestly started being a little afraid of when he didn’t leave me alone for the longest time? Yes. A thousand times yes.

I also wouldn’t have to deal with all those sex-related remarks at work, which would definitely be a plus.

We shouldn’t have to lie to men about our relationship status so that they leave us be. It’s not the world I want to live in.

And yet, it’s the only world I have.

There might always be creeps who can’t wrap their heads around the idea of consent and respect. And if I can remove them from my life as fast as possible, I won’t feel bad about using the boyfriend card.

Sometimes, it’s more vital to keep yourself safe than sticking to your principles. How you define that ‘sometimes’ is up to you.

You know your own truth. There are many things to do in a day — I don’t know about you, but educating every single creep about feminism doesn’t always fit into my time schedule.

So, why not use the boyfriend card? It’s like a magic trick. You know your own refusal matters most of all, but if he can’t get on board and you want to get away from the situation, sprinkle in some magic.

It’s sad, but the boyfriend trick will probably make him disappear faster than you can say abracadabra.