The “R” Word

Some of you may know what “r” word I will be referring to, and for those of you who don’t, you’ll pick up on it. May 2017, I was home, waiting for my parents to leave the house so I’d be able to sneak out and go see a boy I had a crush on. I was 14 at the time and dumber than ever. It took 30 minutes to convince my parents that I’d be fine at home by myself and when they finally left, it felt like the biggest accomplishment I’d ever achieved. As they left the driveway, I quickly grabbed my phone and opened snapchat to tell the guy that he should start driving to my house. This was the first time I lied to my parents face like that. I hated it. I didn’t want to in the first place, but the guy convinced me we’d have a great time and I wouldn’t regret lying to them. He had my 14-year-old naive self convinced. He told me the plan was to jam out in his car and smoke some pot. A few minutes before he arrived, I texted our mutual friend whom also introduced the boy and I to each other and told her I was seeing him again. She immediately responded telling me to not see him and that I’m stupid for wanting to see him again. I kept asking her why and she never answered me. I was still texting her as I stepped into his car. I put my phone up and there wasn’t much talk at all, he just asked where to park and I led him to a dead end by my house. Once he parked, he pulled my shirt and shoved his lips on mine and bit my lip so hard I thought I was bleeding. Before I could even process what was happening he pulled me on top of him, he then unbuttoned his pants and said he liked the way I looked at it. He pushed my head down and wouldn’t stop until I was choking on him. He hit the right side of my back and butt multiple times, with me trying to scream every hit. He pulled me up and choked me with his hand. He whispered “this is what you get for making me wait to see you” He kept a tight hold on my neck until my eyes started to water. The said, “I want to stick my d*ck in you.” I closed my eyes and was waiting for me to wake up from this nightmare. I heard him keep calling me beautiful and wouldn’t stop trying to convince me to have sex with him. Before I said anything he told me to get in the back seat, already pushing through the space between the two front seats. Thinking back, I could have left then, I could have ran and none of what happened next would have happened. He took advantage of me. The whole time he switched from intercourse to oral on him. He was very forceful. He kept hitting my back and bottom every chance he got. I had bruises for days. He told me to call him daddy and talk dirty to him. When I refused, he choked me until my neck was sore. He told me to turn around with my back to him. He told me that he was going to put his penis into my butt. I finally got the courage to say “no, no, no, please, stop, I don’t want this, stop, it hurts, it hurts.” He didn’t even hesitate. he kept going. Somehow I eventually pushed him off. I started to cry. I could hear the anger and frustration in his voice. I knew to be careful. He kept saying that he was sorry and to let him finish. He kept trying to get me to swallow his semen. He tried to push my head on him but I resisted and shut my mouth. He grabbed my hair and forced my head in from of him and finished on my chest. I was so weak. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to breathe. I wish he would have brought a gun and killed me right then. He asked me if I was going to leave or just stay in his car like the lazy slut I was. I got out of the car and started to walk home, crying. As soon as I got home, I saw my parents. They asked me where I was and I told them I went for a walk. I quickly ran to my bathroom telling them that I slipped in mud and felt gross. I took a shower, even though I already took one earlier that day and scrubbed my body until my skin was red, but nothing seemed to rub the dirt he left that would be on my skin for the rest of my life.