The Female Struggle to Seek and Enjoy Success

About two years ago, I won a short-story contest in my city. They gave me some cash, a nice diploma, and they included my story in an anthology. In it, in big, bold letters, you can read my name and, right under it, the words “First Place.”

It was so embarrassing.

I did my best to keep it a secret. I seriously considered skipping the ceremony. I even thought about not telling my partner. In the end, I had to do it because he was going to notice the bunch of copies of the anthology the organizers insisted on giving me. I also had to tell my employer because I needed a bit of free time to collect my prize. Sadly for me, a few of my students found out and congratulated me.

The Horror!

I managed to say thank you and begged them not to tell anybody else. They must have noticed my anguish because they agreed to keep quiet.

Luckily, the whole thing died down quite soon.

The art of the self-deprecating comment

That was not the first time I had done something like that. When someone compliments my hair, in typical female fashion, I routinely add, “Thank you, but I do have some split ends.” You think I have done well at losing weight after years of struggling with food addiction? That’s so kind of you but, have I told you about my stretch marks? Some students think I’m a good teacher? Well, then I feel compelled to tell them about that time I lost my patience.

It never ends.

To accept that there might be good things about me feels essentially wrong. What kind of a person would I be if I accepted I’m capable of doing things right? Heck, what kind of a woman would I be if I talked about what makes me great?

As lots of people have told me, an arrogant one.

The origin of a bad habit

I have thought long and hard about how and when this started. I remember teachers telling me to be quiet because I always wanted to share what I had read about the topic at hand — yeah, I was that kid. I remember my father telling 8-year-old me not to think too much of myself if a dress looked nice on me.

Teachers, relatives, “friends”…they all seemed to be on the same page: do not draw too much attention to yourself. Otherwise, it will look as if you think you are better than everybody else.

Nowadays, all of that advice seems like a ton of crap. I agree that when someone makes it a point to constantly remind us of everything they have achieved, it gets tiresome soon enough. Still, there’s a big difference between not being an arrogant jerk and being so humble that people can barely notice you are there.

When we are kids, people are so busy telling us not to be too proud that they forget to let us know we have it in us to be amazing.

The woman who could have been The Boss

But I’m not the only one. A few years ago, a fellow teacher wanted to get a promotion. The opportunity to become the principal arose…but she decided she would settle to become the vice-principal. She didn’t want to look too ambitious.

She did some tests, created a whole project, and turned in a ton of paperwork. Once the results were in, you guessed it, it turned out she could have easily beaten out every single one of the guys who applied to be the principal, had she only applied.

Sadly, the story doesn’t end there.

Once she became vice-principal, she made it a point to be flawless. She stayed at school, late at night sometimes, to work on everything that needed to be fixed. The next day, she would get up very early to be the first person at school. Obviously, no one congratulated her on this.

Some of her “buddies” made it a point to remind her that it wasn’t okay to stop doing the things she did for other people just because she had a new job. She still had to be a good mom, wife, daughter, friend…all while working harder than ever.

Why? Because if she behaved as if her new job was that important and hard — which it was — then it would mean she thought too much of herself. She was to keep on struggling while still pleasing everybody.

Is it surprising that, a few months later, she decided to quit?

We are not superwomen

We know. We are only human. A good job, being a great mother — or deciding not to be one — professional accomplishments…they don’t make us better than everybody else.

We know.

Still, isn’t it about time it stopped being embarrassing to be awesome? Why can’t we proudly claim, “This is me, and what I do is important!” Why can’t we do it without being called a bitch, or even some patronizing names? Right, kiddo?

I constantly see guys talk about their achievements, not in an arrogant manner, but because it is pertinent to the conversation. Me? I keep doing my best to hide everything under the carpet.

So, in an effort to change this, I have decided to start slow. Step number one will be to stop adding a self-deprecating comment when someone compliments me. Step two? To claim my space, to take a chance at opportunities I keep passing on because it might make me look greedy to go after them.

Guess what? I’m not greedy. I am capable. And I’m coming for the success that belongs to me.

Originally published by me on GGYST.