Sexy isn't Shameful

There is nothing wrong with being confident with your body and who you are. However, as women, many of us have grown up with the notion that we have to be self-conscious and not stand out for fear of getting the wrong attention. We are conditioned to feel shame and guilt over what we wear, what we do, and what we say. From girls at school to women in the workplace, there is a constant worry about how one’s sexuality might accidentally excite or offend someone. We are discouraged from being sexy, from owning our looks and feeling confident because the implication is that to be sexual is to be trashy, easy, a slut or a whore, or plain old desperate. We get catcalled on the streets no matter what we wear, and shrivel up and walk faster to avoid being called on further. If we fight back unwanted advances, then we are called prudes, and if we give in, we are called sluts. If we drink too much, it’s not ladylike and apparently, we are also putting our body on a silver platter for men to use—but if we don’t drink at all, we are, once again, prudes. There is a clear double standard lingering over everything we do, with a strong emphasis on sexuality.

At a young, impressionable age, we are taught to feel guilt and shame over how we look so we can be seen as a “lady,” AKA a woman who keeps her mouth shut, sits still, looks pretty and agrees with whatever she is expected to agree with. We worry about how our outfit choices might tempt men and cause us to not be taken seriously. However, men are not taught otherwise. Most of them grow up in an environment were the sexualization of women is seen as something normal. We are told men are visual creatures, that is just the way they are, and that as women, we should be careful to not attract their wandering eyes and cover up. The idea that men are savages who can not control themselves is seen as normal and acceptable, as something women have to live with and either play into or hide from.

All these different messages we are bombarded with from a young age turn into voices in our heads, making us second guess everything we do, everything we wear or even what we say. We think twice about what swimsuit we wear at the beach because, if it shows a little too much skin, we are “asking for it”. Parents start worrying about their little girls and the way they dress, they tell us to cover up so we can stay safe and avoid predatory glances or unwanted attention. In school, girls start getting into trouble for not following the dress code because their skirts are too short, their spaghetti straps are showing their shoulders and, apparently, that can be too much for both boys and teachers to handle. There seems to be a constant pattern of blame and shame falling on women. If it’s a hot day and a girl wants to wear booty shorts and a tank top, she should be able to without men making her feel uncomfortable. It’s ironic how men being shirtless is normal but a women in booty shorts and a crop top can be deemed “inappropriate.” We should be able to embrace our sexuality, self-expression, fashion senses, and opinions without being diminished into an object.

To me, being sexual is empowering. As a woman, it is my way of owning my sexual expression while discarding the shame narrative that has been built up my whole life. It’s ridiculous how a woman can spend her whole life getting sexualized for what she wears, does, or posts and no one bats an eye because it’s “normal”, but the moment she decides to take control and embrace that sexuality on her own terms, it’s a problem. We shy away from embracing our sexuality and owning it because we get shamed, and it seems to be that the only acceptable way to be sexual is when it is tied to males, when they are the ones sexualizing us.

In my case I have been on the receiving end of basically every type of negative comment and remark possible for my posts on Instagram. Why? Because I am confident in my skin. I celebrate my body and everything it does for me with pictures I love. After years of battling with body image and not being happy with who I am, I have finally embraced every part of myself and accepted who I am, and I love it. But some people have a problem with me being comfortable and confident with who I am, with me feeling sexy and owning my sexuality. They are uncomfortable with me sharing my body and of course they sexualize it, shame it and guilt me into thinking it’s my problem for them perceiving me in the way they do. And to add on, I have a curvy body, so in many cases I don’t even have to be in a revealing outfit to get shamed, as long as the outfit clings to my curves that’s enough for me to be guilted into rethinking what I am wearing.

If I am feeling sexy and want to share, the conversation suddenly turns to why I want to receive “that” type of attention, the type of attention that implies that I am a sex object. It’s no longer about loving my look, feeling confident with who I am or the picture I want to post; it’s about why am I an attention whore, basically begging for it. Just because I am comfortable with who I am and my sexuality it doesn’t mean that I have to let people who are uncomfortable and suppressed with theirs affect me. I know my intentions and I cannot control what people think and perceive of me, but I do know that I do not have to be on the receiving end and let their negativity crumble me or affect how I dress or what I post, and neither should you.

I do not want to imply that the only way a women can feel sexy and confident is if she is naked or in a revealing outfit because that is simply not true. There is a quote I love that says, “nudity empowers some, modesty empowers others, different things empower different women and it’s not your place to tell her which on it is.” It’s also not your place to shame her for the choices she makes or the way that you are perceiving her. A women can feel empowered fully clothed or completely naked, and that is perfectly fine, no one gets to dictate otherwise.

We keep being guilted for our choices. We shouldn’t feel bad for wearing makeup, for wearing a new dress, or wearing crop tops and booty shorts, we should be able to do whatever we want because it’s not about getting attention, being sexualized or pleasing men, it’s about doing these things for us, because we want to and because it makes us feel happy, confident and empowered. I wish someone would have told me growing up that people’s perceptions and reactions to my body had nothing to do with me, it was not my problem—it was theirs. We should be able to feel sexy without being shamed or guilted. In the words of Emily Ratajkowski, “To me, "sexy" is a kind of beauty, a kind of self-expression, one that is to be celebrated, one that is wonderfully female. Why does the implication have to be that sex is a thing men get to take from women and women give up?“