Not Anymore...

I can't do this anymore. You take, and you take until there is nothing left of me to give. I hate this! I hate this! I hate that we reached a point where I can't breathe, I hate how I feel when I'm with you, and I hate who I am. If I'm honest, and I need to be honest, I haven't felt like me in so long. Every concern I bring you, you have a counter to it, and you make it sound so good at the time. You make it sound like it's me. I'm making too much out of this; it's not that big of a deal; your feelings count too,... can I be honest? I'm hearing less and less of me. I'm feeling less and less like me. There is this dark cloud in my home that wasn't there before. I never know what mood I'm going to get from one minute to the next. I'm walking on eggshells again. Wait, stop...this feels too familiar. I'm getting triggered on a daily and so is my daughter. Why? Because you feel familiar with something I've been through before, something and someone I swore I'd never go through or put my kids through again. I'm anxious, I'm jittery, I'm sick to my stomach all the time, I'm having headaches, my ears are ringing... "I can hear you spirit guides. I know I need to listen." You try to control me; you don't want me wearing certain things; you don't want me on my phone too much; you act as if you need to be with me all the time, even in the shower. I get no privacy, no room to breathe. I feel like even going to the doctor alone is a privilege now. I have tried to be understanding of your triggers, your trauma, but what I have to do is keep you stable, which isn't even really helping because you're still mad, you're still upset. What I'm doing, I realize, is actually shrinking myself to help you be big and take control of me, so your own insecurities feel better. Why do I have to shrink to make you feel better? You know what? I'm done! That's right. I can't watch my child cry because she doesn't want to go home to you, and I can't cry myself to sleep another night because I'm slowly dying. I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen again damnit! This will not happen! Burn it all down! Don't touch me! I'm done with my body, my feelings, my emotions, all being used to disarm a man's small mind and small dick! I am my own person, and I am whole without anyone. I know this, but for some reason, I forget. Be it trauma, ptsd, lies I've been told, and have come to believe, but I am done! Sisters, we need to gather together and get angry! Realize your worth! You are worth more than some man's ego. We are women. We give birth, we can tolerate more pain than any man, we calm the storms and the babies at night, we keep the peace, we can have 50 things on our plates, and yet we still get up and continue with the day. Why? Because we have a resilience that the Creator and Mother Nature instilled in us at the beginning of time. We can move mountains! Don't you dare let him bring you down! Don't burn with him; too many people have tried to burn our flames for centuries. Do not be his shadow. Don't dull yourself down. Shine bright and don't be afraid to do so, be happy. Choose you. Love doesn't always mean with a partner. Love can be with yourself, your pets, your children, nature, etc. Please realize this and burn anything down that's getting in the way of that!