New Beginnings

Most things happen for a reason, but we don't always see that when the issue negatively affects us. Sometimes it can take a long time to see this. For me, it was four months to see that such a traumatic event opened a lot of doors for me to a beginning of a new life. My new life.

Any type of sexual assault is life-changing and debilitating for any girl, boy, or in between at any age. It makes you lose trust. Not just in the assaulter, but in everyone. Even in yourself. It makes you lose control of your life. The control you once had of yourself and your life has just been taken away. It makes you feel weak. It makes you feel broken. It makes you feel so vulnerable and sick in your own skin. Nothing can compare to the feeling I felt when I realised what had happened. How much I cried. How much I wanted to rip my skin from my body. How much I just wanted to stop.

But I was not weak. And I was not broken. I had all this taken away from me by one of my closest friends. It made me physically unable to go to college, just to go into town, even just to get out of bed. It ruined me for four months. I couldn't be intimate with my partner. I couldn't hug anyone. Any physical contact made me squirm up. I isolated myself from everyone. I began to stop eating. I stopped talking as much. I didn’t want to do anything.

So three weeks before this assault happened to me, I had just moved out of home. When I was there I had no control. Everyone else controlled me. So when I moved out, I got control. And then having it taken away that fast made me feel like I shouldn’t have control. I was destined for everyone else just to tell me what to do. I should do it or I’d be punished. So that’s how I began to live my life again. I began telling people, “No.” I began to realise that I couldn’t be pushed around and that I shouldn’t be either. I stood up for myself. And I made sure that I can get what I want now.

Four months after the assault, I decided to up and move away from my county altogether. I moved four hours away from where it happened. And started a whole new life for myself. I am taking control back. I am no longer weak or broken. And I have trust back in some people. I got the courage to take my life back. Now I still have days where I don’t want to do anything or I can’t get up. But I can still gain control back bit by bit. I start with little things. Have one thing that is just your own that you control. I have a diary that is mine. No one looks in it. No one touches it. I control what goes in it, where it goes, and what colour pen I use in it. Gradually, I moved on to having control of cooking the dinner. That’s as far as I’ve gotten. But it’s far enough for me for now.

Now I know this will not be easy for everyone to do. All abuse is absolutely traumatizing, but there is a reason. And something good will come at the end. It may take so much time. But it is truly worth sticking out for. Go take back control of your life. Go show people you can do things. Go show them that you don’t need them constantly telling you what to do. You are able for this. You can do stuff for yourself.